writer作者：Alice Sebold艾麗斯·西伯德
cast演播：underage未成年吖
Chapter Two
When I first entered heaven I thought everyone saw what I saw. That in
everyone’s heaven there were soccer goalposts in the distance and lumbering women throwing shot put and javelin. That all the buildings were like suburban northeast high schools built in the 1960s.
剛到天堂時，我以為每個人看到的都和我一樣：橄欖球球門豎立在遠處，粗壯的女學生在投擲鉛球和標槍，所有建筑物看起來都像六十年代興建的高中學校。
Large, squat buildings spread out on dismally landscaped sandy lots, with overhangs and open spaces to make them feel modern. My favorite part was how the colored blocks were turquoise and orange, just like the blocks in Fairfax High. Sometimes, on Earth, I had made my father drive me by Fairfax High so I could imagine myself there.
這些坐落在鎮(zhèn)子東北郊的學校，校區(qū)內(nèi)沒什么花草樹木，方方正正的整排教室散布在操場四周，教室的屋頂高挑，空間寬闊，看起來頗具現(xiàn)代感。我最喜歡青綠色與橙橘色相間的石板，費爾法克斯高中就有這樣的石板地，我在世時經(jīng)常纏著爸爸帶我到費爾法克斯高中逛逛，我常想象自己在那里上課的模樣。
Following the seventh, eighth, and ninth grades of middle school, high school would have been a fresh start. When I got to Fairfax High I would insist on being called Suzanne. I would wear my hair feathered or up in a bun. I would have a body that the boys wanted and the girls envied, but I’d be so nice on top of it all that they would feel too guilty to do anything but worship me. I liked to think of myself – having reached a sort of queenly status – as protecting misfit kids in the cafeteria. When someone taunted Clive Saunders for walking like a girl, I would deliver swift vengeance with my foot to the taunter’s less-protected parts. When
the boys teased Phoebe Hart for her sizable breasts, I would give a speech on why boob jokes weren’t funny. I had to forget that I too had made lists in the margins of my notebook when Phoebe walked by: Winnebagos, Hoo-has, Johnny Yellows. At the end of my reveries, I sat in the back of the car as my father drove. I was beyond reproach. I would overtake high school in a matter of days, not years, or, inexplicably, earn an Oscar for Best Actress during my junior year.
初中畢業(yè)之后，高中將是個全新的開始。等我上了費爾法克斯高中，我要堅持大家叫我“蘇姍”，我要梳個披肩發(fā)，或是扎個馬尾辮，我要有個讓男生垂涎、讓女生忌妒的身材。最重要的是，我要對每個人都非常好，好到大家不得不崇拜我，不然會良心不安。我喜歡想象自己受到像女王般的尊崇，而且還保護那些在學校餐廳受欺負的同學。有人譏笑克里弗·桑德斯走路像女孩子時，我會對那人狠狠地踹一腳；男孩子嘲笑菲比·哈特發(fā)育良好的胸部時，我會大聲告訴他們大胸脯的笑話一點都不好笑。其實菲比走過我身旁時，我也在筆記本的邊緣偷偷寫下“大胸部”、“廂型車”等字眼，當然我必須不經(jīng)意地“忘記”自己也如此幼稚。我坐在車子后座，爸爸一邊開車，我一邊做白日夢，想到后來幾乎得意忘形。我想象自己短短的幾天就征服了費爾法克斯高中，說不定高二時還莫名其妙地拿到了奧斯卡女主角獎。
These were my dreams on Earth.
這些就是我在人間的夢想。
After a few days in heaven, I realized that the javelin-throwers and the shot?putters and the boys who played basketball on the cracked blacktop were all in their own version of heaven. Theirs just fit with mine – didn’t duplicate it precisely, but had a lot of the same things going on inside.
在天堂待了幾天之后，我發(fā)現(xiàn)投擲鉛球、標槍的運動員，以及那些在龜裂的柏油路上打籃球的男孩都有各自的天堂。我和他們的天堂雖然不完全一樣，但其中有很多相同之處，所以我才能在我的天堂里看到他們。
I met Holly, who became my roommate, on the third day. She was sitting on the swing set. (I didn’t question that a high school had swing sets: that’s what made it heaven. And no flat-benched swings – only bucket seats made out of hard black rubber that cradled you and that you could bounce in a bit before swinging.) Holly sat reading a book in a weird alphabet that I associated with the pork-fried rice my father brought home from Hop Fat Kitchen, a place Buckley loved the name of, loved so much he yelled “Hop Fat!” at the top of his lungs. Now I know Vietnamese, and I know that Vietnamese is not what Herman Jade, who owned Hop Fat, was, and that Herman Jade was not Herman Jade’s real name but one he adopted when he came to the U.S. from China. Holly taught me all this.
在天堂的第三天，我遇見哈莉，她后來成了我的室友。第一次見面時，她坐在秋千上看書。（我沒問為什么高中里還有秋千，你要什么，就有什么，這就是天堂。秋千的座位可不是普通的木板，而是厚實的黑橡膠圈。蕩秋千之前，你可以舒服地縮在橡膠圈里，或是在上面跳一跳。）哈莉坐著看書，書上的文字奇形怪狀，我不知道那是什么。爸爸有時從“合發(fā)小館”帶肉絲炒飯回家，我在外帶盒子上曾看過類似的文字。巴克利非常喜歡這家餐廳的名字，他每次都扯著嗓門大喊：Hot Fat！我現(xiàn)在知道什么是越南文，也知道合發(fā)小館的老板赫曼·杰德不是越南人，我還知道老板不叫赫曼·杰德，這只是他從中國移民到美國時取的名字，這些都是哈莉告訴我的。
“Hi,” I said. “My name is Susie.”
“嗨，”我說，“我叫蘇茜?！?/p>
Later she would tell me she picked her name from a movie, Breakfast at
Tiffany’s. But that day it rolled right off her tongue.
哈莉后來告訴我，她從電影《蒂芬尼早餐》里選了這個名字，那天她未加思索，脫口就說她叫哈莉。
“I’m Holly,” she said. Because she wanted no trace of an accent in her heaven, she had none.
“我叫哈莉?！彼f。因為她想說一口標準的英文，所以在她的天堂里，她講話不帶任何口音。
I stared at her black hair. It was shiny like the promises in magazines. “How long have you been here?” I asked.
我瞪著她的黑發(fā)，黑發(fā)閃爍著絲綢般的光芒，就像時裝雜志里的廣告所許諾的那樣?！澳阍谶@里多久了？”我問道。
“Three days.”
“三天了。”
“Me too.”
“我也是?！?/p>
I sat down on the swing next to her and twisted my body around and around to tie up the chains. Then I let go and spun until I stopped.
我在她旁邊的秋千上坐下來，我不停地轉(zhuǎn)圈，將鐵鏈纏繞成一團，鐵鏈纏繞到頂端之后我才松手，秋千轉(zhuǎn)了又轉(zhuǎn)，過了一會兒才停住。
“Do you like it here?” she asked.
“你喜歡這里嗎？”她問道。
“No.”
“不喜歡?！?/p>
“Me either.”
“我也不喜歡?！?/p>
So it began.
我們就這樣成了好朋友。
We had been given, in our heavens, our simplest dreams. There were no
teachers in the school. We never had to go inside except for art class for me and jazz band for Holly. The boys did not pinch our backsides or tell us we smelled; our textbooks were Seventeen and Glamour and Vogue.
And our heavens expanded as our relationship grew. We wanted many of the same things.
在天堂里，我們最單純的夢想都會實現(xiàn)。學校里沒有老師。我上美術(shù)課，哈莉參加爵士樂團，除此之外，我們不必進教室。學校里的男孩子不會偷掐我們的臀部，也不會說我們有狐臭。我們的教科書是《十七歲》、《魅力》和《時尚》雜志。哈莉和我有許多相同的夢想，我們的感情越來越好，天堂也不斷擴充。
Franny, my intake counselor, became our guide. Franny was old enough to be our mother – mid-forties – and it took Holly and me a while to figure out that this had been something we wanted: our mothers.
輔導員弗妮成了我們的良師。四十幾歲的弗妮，年紀足以當我們的媽媽。哈莉和我過了一段時間才想清楚，原來我們一直想要媽媽。
In Franny’s heaven, she served and was rewarded by results and gratitude. On Earth she had been a social worker for the homeless and destitute. She worked out of a church named Saint Mary’s that served meals to women and children only, and she did everything there from manning the phones to swatting the roaches – karate-chop style. She was shot in the face by a man looking for his wife.
在弗妮的天堂里，她勤奮工作，努力有了成果，也得到應(yīng)得的感激。她在世時是個協(xié)助游民和貧民的社會工作者，她在圣瑪麗教堂工作，教堂只提供婦女和小孩膳食，弗妮負責接電話、打蟑螂，大小事情一手包辦。有一天，一個男人到教堂找太太，他一槍射中弗妮的臉，弗妮當場斃命。
Franny walked over to Holly and me on the fifth day. She handed us two Dixie Cups of lime Kool-Aid and we drank. “I’m here to help,” she said.
I looked into her small blue eyes surrounded by laugh lines and told her the truth. “We’re bored.”
在天堂的第五天，弗妮走到我和哈莉面前，她遞給我們兩杯青檸檬果汁，我們接過杯子，喝了果汁?！拔襾砜纯茨懿荒軒偷蒙厦??！彼f。我望著弗妮笑紋密布的藍色小眼睛，實話對她說：“我們好無聊?！?/p>
Holly was busy trying to reach her tongue out far enough to see if it had
turned green.
哈莉伸長舌頭，忙著看舌頭有沒有變綠。
“What do you want?” Franny asked.
“你想要什么？”弗妮問道。
“I don’t know,” I said.
“我不知道?！蔽艺f。
“All you have to do is desire it, and if you desire it enough and understand why – really know – it will come.”
“想清楚自己要什么就行了。只要想得清清楚楚，而且明白理由，你的夢想就會成真?！?/p>
It seemed so simple and it was. That’s how Holly and I got our duplex.
聽起來很簡單，做起來也不難；我和哈莉就這樣得到了復(fù)式公寓。
I hated our split-level on Earth. I hated my parents’ furniture, and how our
house looked out onto another house and another house and another – an echo of sameness riding up over the hill. Our duplex looked out onto a park, and in the distance, just close enough to know we weren’t alone, but not too close, we could see the lights of other houses.
我不喜歡我在人間住的錯層式房子，也不喜歡我爸媽的家具。我們家看得到鄰居家，鄰居家也看得到隔壁鄰居，基本上，山坡上的每棟房子看起來都一樣。哈莉和我的復(fù)式公寓看出去是個公園，還可以隱約看到其他房子的燈火，這個距離剛剛好：我們知道有其他鄰居，但又不會離得太近。
Eventually I began to desire more. What I found strange was how much I
desired to know what I had not known on Earth. I wanted to be allowed to grow up.
到后來我想要的東西越來越多。奇怪的是，我發(fā)現(xiàn)自己特想知道在世時從不知道的事情。我希望能夠長大。
“People grow up by living,” I said to Franny. “I want to live.”
“活著才會長大，”我對弗妮說，“我想活著?！?/p>
“That’s out,” she said.
“不行?！备ツ菡f。
“Can we at least watch the living?” asked Holly.
“最起碼我們可以觀看活人吧？”哈莉問道。
“You already do,” she said.
“你們已經(jīng)這么做了?！备ツ菡f。
“I think she means whole lives,” I said, “from beginning to end, to see how they did it. To know the secrets. Then we can pretend better.”
“我想哈莉是說想看看凡人怎么過一輩子，”我說，“從出生看到去世，看看大家怎么度過一生。我們想知道他們的秘密，這樣我們才能假裝好過一些。”
“You won’t experience it,” Franny clarified.
“你還是沒辦法體驗到的?！备ツ菝鞔_地說。
“Thank you, Brain Central,” I said, but our heavens began to grow.
“謝謝你，聰明人?！蔽艺f，我們的天堂依然變得越來越熱鬧了。
There was the high school still, all the Fairfax architecture, but now there were roads leading out.
天堂高中里的建筑物和費爾法克斯高中的一樣，只是多了通往各方的道路。
“Walk the paths,” Franny said, “and you’ll find what you need.”
“出去走走吧，”弗妮說，“你們會看到想找尋的東西?！?/p>
So that’s when Holly and I set out. Our heaven had an ice cream shop where, when you asked for peppermint stick ice cream, no one ever said, “It’s seasonal”; it had a newspaper where our pictures appeared a lot and made us look important; it had real men in it and beautiful women too, because Holly and I were devoted to fashion magazines. Sometimes Holly seemed like she wasn’t paying attention, and other times she was gone when I went looking for her. That was when she went to a part of heaven we didn’t share. I missed her then, but it was an odd sort of missing because by then I knew the meaning of forever.
因此，我和哈莉啟程一探究竟。我們發(fā)現(xiàn)天堂里有個冰淇淋店，你點薄荷冰淇淋時，沒有人會告訴你：“對不起，現(xiàn)在不是薄荷冰淇淋的季節(jié)。”天堂里有份報紙時?？俏覀兊恼掌?，讓我們覺得自己成了大人物。因為哈莉和我都喜歡時裝雜志，因此報上還出現(xiàn)了時尚名人、美女等真實人物。哈莉有時顯得心不在焉，有些時候我去找她，發(fā)現(xiàn)她不知道到哪里去了，這時我就知道哈莉去了她的小天地，那里沒我的份。每當這時我就想念她，我知道我們永遠會在一起，但她離開一會兒，我居然還會想她，這種思念的心情有點奇怪。
I could not have what I wanted most: Mr. Harvey dead and me living. Heaven wasn’t perfect. But I came to believe that if I watched closely, and desired, I might change the lives of those I loved on Earth.
我希望哈維先生以死贖罪，也希望自己還活著，這是我最企盼的夢想，但卻無法實現(xiàn)。天堂畢竟不是十全十美，但我相信只要我仔細觀看，認真期盼，說不定能改變凡間我所愛的人的生活。
My father was the one who took the phone call on December ninth. It was the beginning of the end. He gave the police my blood type, had to describe the lightness of my skin. They asked him if I had any identifying features. He began to describe my face in detail, getting lost in it. Detective Fenerman let him go on, the next news too horrible to interrupt with. But then he said it: “Mr. Salmon, we have found only a body part.”
十二月九日接電話的是爸爸，自此揭開了悲劇的序幕。他告訴警方我的血型，還向警方描述我光潔的皮膚。警方問他我還有什么特征，他便仔細地描述我的臉部，講到后來幾乎說不下去了。費奈蒙警探?jīng)]有打斷爸爸的話，他還有一個非常悲慘的消息要告訴爸爸，卻不知道如何開口。后來他終于開了口：“沙蒙先生，我們只找到一塊尸體。”
My father stood in the kitchen and a sickening shiver overtook him. How could he tell that to Abigail?
爸爸站在廚房里，悲傷令他忍不住顫抖，他怎能告訴媽媽這個消息呢？
“So you can’t be certain that she’s dead?” he asked.
“這么說，你們無法確定蘇茜已經(jīng)死了？”他問道。
“Nothing is ever certain,” Len Fenerman said.
“沒有什么事是百分之百確定的?！辟M奈蒙警探說。
That was the line my father said to my mother: “Nothing is ever certain.”
爸爸就這么告訴媽媽：“沒有什么事是百分之百確定的?！?/p>
For three nights he hadn’t known how to touch my mother or what to say.
Before, they had never found themselves broken together. Usually, it was one needing the other but not both needing each other, and so there had been a way, by touching, to borrow from the stronger one’s strength. And they had never understood, as they did now, what the word horror meant.
一連三個晚上，爸爸不知道該對媽媽說什么，或是怎么安慰她。在這之前，他們兩人從來沒有同時崩潰，通常都是一方安撫另一方，從來不曾同時需要彼此的慰藉。以前總有一方比較堅強，遇到難過的事，兩人互相抱抱，比較軟弱的一方便可感受到對方的力量，心情也會好過一點。他們從來不了解什么叫做“恐懼”，此刻才初嘗“驚恐”的滋味。
“Nothing is ever certain,” my mother said, clinging to it as he had hoped she might.
“沒有什么事是百分之百確定的……”媽媽喃喃自語，爸爸希望她聽得進這句話，她也緊抓著這句話不放。
My mother had been the one who knew the meaning of each charm on my bracelet – where we had gotten it and why I liked it. She made a meticulous list of what I’d carried and worn. If found miles away and in isolation along a road, these clues might lead a policeman there to link it to my death.
媽媽知道我銀手鐲上所有小飾物代表什么，她記得我們在哪里買到銀手鐲，也知道我為什么這么喜歡它。她列了一張表，毫無遺漏地寫下我身上的服飾，如果有人在遠處或大馬路的偏僻地點發(fā)現(xiàn)我身上的東西，警方說不定能借著這些線索，找到殺害我的兇手。
In my mind I had wavered between the bittersweet joy of seeing my mother name all the things I carried and loved and her futile hope that these things mattered. That a stranger who found a cartoon character eraser or a rock star button would report it to the police.
我看著媽媽仔細地列出我的穿戴及喜愛的東西，心中充滿溫情，卻又帶著陣陣苦楚。她明知機會極為渺茫，卻仍抱著一絲希望。她依然希望那些撿到卡通人物造型橡皮擦或是搖滾明星徽章的陌生人，能將這些東西交給警方。
After Len’s phone call, my father reached out his hand and the two of them sat in the bed together, staring straight in front of them. My mother numbly clinging to this list of things, my father feeling as if he were entering a dark tunnel. At some point, it began to rain. I could feel them both drinking the same thing then, but neither of them said it. That I was out there somewhere, in the rain. That they hoped I was safe. That I was dry somewhere, and warm.
和費奈蒙警探通過電話之后，爸爸伸手握住媽媽的手，兩人坐在床上，一言不發(fā)地瞪著前方發(fā)呆。媽媽麻木地緊握著手上的單子，爸爸覺得有如置身黑暗的隧道。過了一會兒，天上飄起雨絲，雖然他們都沒說話，但我可以感覺到他們想著同一件事：下雨了，蘇茜卻一個人孤零零地在雨中；他們都希望我沒事，安全地躲在一個溫暖干燥的地方。
Neither of them knew who fell asleep first; their bones aching with exhaustion, they drifted off and woke guiltily at the same time. The rain, which had changed several times as the temperature dropped, was now hail, and the sound of it, of small stones of ice hitting the roof above them, woke them together.
他們不知道誰先入睡，兩人筋疲力盡，不知不覺就睡著了。雨勢忽大忽小，氣溫也不停下降，到后來下起冰雹，小小的冰球敲打在屋頂上，激起陣陣聲響。他們被冰雹的聲音吵醒，兩人同時醒來，心中都充滿了罪惡感。
They did not speak. They looked at each other in the small light cast from the lamp left on across the room. My mother began to cry, and my father held her, wiped her tears with the pad of his thumbs as they crested her cheekbones, and kissed her very gently on the eyes.
他們沉默不語，房間另一端的燈還亮著，他們在微弱的燈光中看著對方，媽媽失聲痛哭，爸爸把她抱在懷里，用大拇指抹去她的淚痕，輕撫她的臉頰，雙唇輕柔地蓋上她的雙眼。
I looked away from them then, as they touched. I moved my eyes into the
cornfield, seeing if there was anything that in the morning the police might find.The hail bent the stalks and drove all the animals into their holes. Not so deep beneath the earth were the warrens of the wild rabbits I loved, the bunnies that ate the vegetables and flowers in the neighborhood nearby and that sometimes, unwittingly, brought poison home to their dens. Then, inside the earth and so far away from the man or woman who had laced a garden with toxic bait, an entire family of rabbits would curl into themselves and die.
他們輕觸彼此，這時我不再看著他們，而把視線移到玉米地，看看警方隔天早晨能不能在地里找到什么東西。冰雹打彎了玉米莖，也把小動物全趕進了洞穴。離地面不深的洞穴里住著一群我喜歡的野兔，野兔常跑到附近人家的花園里偷吃蔬菜，人們在花園里放了毒藥，有時某只不知情的兔子把毒藥帶回家，結(jié)果在這個遠離花園的洞穴里，整個野兔家族蜷伏在一起，靜靜地同歸于盡。
On the morning of the tenth, my father poured the Scotch down the kitchen sink. Lindsey asked him why.
十日早上，爸爸把整瓶威士忌倒進廚房水槽里，琳茜問他為什么把酒倒掉。
“I’m afraid I might drink it,” he said.
“我怕我會把酒喝光?！彼f。
“What was the phone call?” my sister asked.
“昨晚那電話是什么事？”我妹妹問道。
“What phone call?”
“哪個電話？”
“I heard you say that thing you always say about Susie’s smile. About stars exploding.”
“我聽到你說星星爆裂的光芒，每次提到蘇茜的笑容，你總是這么說?！?/p>
“Did I say that?”
“是嗎？”
“You got kind of goofy. It was a cop, wasn’t it?”
“沒錯，聽起來怪怪的，是警察打電話來，對不對？”
“No lies?”
“你要聽實話？”
“No lies,” Lindsey agreed.
“我要聽實話?！绷哲缈隙ǖ卣f。
“They found a body part. It might be Susie’s.”
“警方找到一塊尸體，他們說可能是蘇茜的。”
It was a hard sock in the stomach. “What?”
琳茜覺得有人狠狠地朝胃部打了一拳：“你說什么？”
“Nothing is ever certain,” my father tried.
“沒有什么事情是百分之百確定的?！卑职衷噲D解釋。
Lindsey sat down at the kitchen table. “I’m going to be sick,” she said.
琳茜坐在餐桌旁說：“我覺得我快吐了?！?/p>
“Dad, I want you to tell me what it was. Which body part, and then I’m going to need to throw up.”
“爸，我要你告訴我：警方找到的是哪一部分的尸體，然后請你準備好，我八成會吐?！?/p>
My father got down a large metal mixing bowl. He brought it to the table and placed it near Lindsey before sitting down.
爸爸拿出一個大金屬盆，他把盆子拿到桌邊，擺到琳茜身旁，然后坐了下來。
“Honey?”
“寶貝兒，你還好嗎？”
“Okay,” she said. “Tell me.”
“好吧，”她說，“告訴我?！?/p>
“It was an elbow. The Gilberts’ dog found it.” He held her hand and then she threw up, as she had promised, into the shiny silver bowl.
“警方說是一只臂肘，吉伯特家的狗發(fā)現(xiàn)的。” 說完爸爸握住琳茜的手，正如先前所說，琳茜果然吐在那個閃閃發(fā)亮的金屬盆里。
Later that morning the weather cleared, and not too far from my house the police roped off the cornfield and began their search. The rain, sleet, snow, and hail melting and mixing had left the ground sodden; still, there was an obvious area where the earth had been freshly manipulated. They began there and dug.
當天上午，天氣逐漸轉(zhuǎn)晴，警察把離我家不遠的玉米地圍起來，開始進行搜索。雨水、冰霜，再加上融化的積雪與冰雹，使整片玉米地泥濘不堪，但仍看得出有個地方剛被動過，警方由這里開始挖掘。
In places, the lab later found, there was a dense concentration of my blood mixed with the dirt, but at the time, the police grew more and more frustrated, plying the cold wet ground and looking for girl.
根據(jù)后來的化驗報告顯示，那里的泥土多處混雜著我的血跡。警察不斷地翻尋干硬的田地，試圖找尋失蹤的女孩，但越挖越覺得沮喪。
Along the border of the soccer field, a few of my neighbors kept a respectful distance from the police tape, wondering at the men dressed in heavy blue parkas wielding shovels and rakes like medical tools.
在靠近足球場的地邊，好幾位鄰居遠遠地站在警戒線的外邊，他們看著玉米地里站了一群身穿厚重藍色冬衣、手執(zhí)鐵鏟和類似醫(yī)療器具的男人，大家都不知道出了什么事。
My father and mother remained at home. Lindsey stayed in her room. Buckley was nearby at his friend Nate’s house, where he spent a lot of time these days. They had told him I was on an extended sleepover at Clarissa’s.
爸媽待在家里，琳茜在她房里，巴克利留在他朋友奈特家。奈特住在附近，接下來這一段日子里，巴克利經(jīng)常待在他家。大家告訴巴克利說我去克萊麗莎家玩，過一陣子才會回來。
I knew where my body was but I could not tell them. I watched and waited to see what they would see. And then, Like a thunderbolt, late in the afternoon, a policeman held up his earth-caked fist and shouted.
我知道我的尸體在哪里，但卻沒辦法告訴任何人，我只能悄悄觀察，等著看大家會找到什么。當天傍晚，如同晴天霹靂一般，有個警察突然舉起沾滿泥土的拳頭，高聲喊叫。
“Over here!” he said, and the other officers ran to surround him.
“快來這里！”他大喊，其他警察馬上跑過去圍住他。
The neighbors had gone home except for Mrs. Stead. After conferring around the discovering policeman, Detective Fenerman broke their dark huddle and approached her.
除了史泰德太太之外，其他的鄰居都回家了。搜尋人員圍著發(fā)現(xiàn)東西的警察，費奈蒙警探穿過擁擠的人墻，走向史泰德太太。
“Mrs. Stead?” he said over the tape that separated them.
“史泰德太太嗎？”他隔著警戒線問道。
“Yes.”
“我是?！?/p>
“You have a child in the school?”
“你有個上學的小孩，是不是？”
“Yes.”
“是的?！?/p>
“Could you come with me, please?”
“請跟我過來，好嗎？”
A young officer led Mrs. Stead under the police tape and over the bumpy,
churned-up cornfield to where the rest of the men stood.
一名年輕的警員帶領(lǐng)史泰德太太進入警戒區(qū)，他們穿過凹凸不平、被翻得亂七八糟的玉米地，走到大家站的地方。
“Mrs. Stead,” Len Fenerman said, “does this look familiar?” He held up a
paperback copy of To Kill a Mockingbird. “Do they read this at the school?”
“史泰德太太，”費奈蒙警探說，“這個東西看起來眼熟嗎？”他邊說邊舉起一本平裝小說《梅崗城的故事》（殺死一只知更鳥），“孩子們在學校讀這本書嗎？”
“Yes,” she said, her face draining of color as she said the small word.
“是的?！彼÷暤鼗卮穑樕涎M失。
“Do you mind if I ask you …” he began.
“你介不介意我請問您……”他展開探訊。
“Ninth grade,” she said, looking into Len Fenerman’s slate blue eyes. “Susie’s grade.” She was a therapist and relied on her ability to hear bad news and discuss rationally the difficult details of her patients’ lives, but she found herself leaning into the young policeman who had led her over. I could feel her wishing that she had gone home when the other neighbors had left, wishing that she was in the living room with her husband, or out in the backyard with her son.
“九年級，”她凝視著費奈蒙警探湛藍的雙眼說，“蘇茜今年九年級?！彼龔氖滦睦碜稍?，向來自認能承受壞消息，也能理智地和患者討論各種難以處理的問題，但現(xiàn)在她卻發(fā)現(xiàn)自己撲倒在帶她過來的年輕警察的懷里，我可以感覺到她真巴不得在其他鄰居回家時，她也跟著離開，現(xiàn)在和先生坐在客廳里，或是和兒子待在后院里。
“Who teaches the class?”
“誰是這門課的老師？”
“Mrs. Dewitt,” Mrs. Stead said. “The kids find it a real relief after Othello.”
“迪威特太太，”史泰德太太說，“讀了《奧賽羅》之后，孩子們覺得讀《梅崗城的故事》輕松多了。”
“Othello?”
“《奧賽羅》？”
“Yes,” she said, her knowledge of the school suddenly very important right now – all the policemen listening. “Mrs. Dewitt likes to modulate her reading list, and she does a big push right before Christmas with Shakespeare. Then she passes out Harper Lee as a reward. If Susie was carrying around To Kill a Mockingbird it means she must have turned in her paper on Othello already.”
“是的，”她說，史泰德太太知道一些學校的事情，這些訊息忽然變得非常重要，所有警察都在仔細傾聽，“迪威特太太喜歡隨時調(diào)整閱讀書目，圣誕節(jié)之前，她決定逼緊一點，規(guī)定大家讀莎士比亞的作品，她把《梅崗城的故事》當作獎品，如果蘇茜有本《梅崗城的故事》，這表示她已經(jīng)交了《奧賽羅》的讀書報告。”
All of this checked out.
這些訊息后來都得到了證實。
The police made calls. I watched the circle widen. Mrs. Dewitt had my paper. Eventually, she sent it back to my parents, unmarked, through the mail. “Thought you would want to have this,” Mrs. Dewitt had written on a note attached to it. “I’m so very very sorry.” Lindsey inherited the paper because it was too painful for my mother to read. “The Ostracized: One Man Alone,” I had called it. Lindsey had suggested “The Ostracized,” and I made up the other half. My sister punched three holes down the side of it and fastened each carefully handwritten page into an empty notebook. She put it in her closet under her Barbie case and the box that held her perfect-condition Raggedy Ann and Andy that I’d envied.
警察打電話查證。我看著受到波及的圈子逐漸擴大。迪威特太太確實已收到我的讀書報告，她后來把報告原封不動地寄還給爸媽，“我想你們一定想保留這份報告，”迪威特太太附了一張紙條，上面寫道：“我深感抱歉?！眿寢岆y過得看不下去，所以琳茜把報告收了起來。我給報告起了“被放逐者：獨行俠”的標題，“被放逐者”是琳茜的點子，我再加上“獨行俠”三個字。琳茜在報告邊緣打了三個洞，把每一頁仔細手寫的紙張夾進空白的活頁筆記本，她把筆記本壓在衣柜里的芭比娃娃盒下面，盒里放了幾乎全新、讓我眼紅的紅發(fā)安安和安迪娃娃。
Detective Fenerman called my parents. They had found a schoolbook, they believed, that might have been given to me that last day.
費奈蒙警探打電話給爸媽，他說警方找到一本筆記本，他們相信我遇害當天帶著這本筆記本。
“But it could be anyone’s,” my father said to my mother as they began
another restless vigil. “Or she could have dropped it along the way.”
“誰都可能有這種筆記本。”爸爸對媽媽說。兩人又徹夜守候，“說不定這是蘇茜哪天上學時丟掉的?！?/p>
Evidence was mounting, but they refused to believe.
證據(jù)越來越多，但他們依然拒絕接受事實。
Two days later, on December twelfth, the police found my notes from Mr.
Botte’s class. Animals had carried off the notebook from its original burial site – the dirt did not match the surrounding samples, but the graph paper, with its scribbled theories that I could never understand but still dutifully recorded, had been found when a cat knocked down a crow’s nest. Shreds of the paper were laced among the leaves and twigs. The police unbraided the graph paper, along with strips of another kind of paper, thinner and brittle, that had no lines.
兩天之后，也就是十二月十二日，警方找到我在伯特先生課堂上的筆記。紙張上的泥土和周遭所采集到的泥土不符，因此警方研判紙張可能被小動物從命案現(xiàn)場叼到別處。伯特先生在課堂上講了一大堆理論，雖然有些我多半永遠無法理解，但我依然很盡心地在方格紙上做筆記。有只小貓?zhí)叻藶貘f的巢穴，這些方格紙的碎條就夾雜在樹葉和細枝之間。警方仔細地挑出紙張，發(fā)現(xiàn)除了方格紙外，還有一些比較薄、易碎、上面沒有格線的紙片。
The girl who lived in the house where the tree stood recognized some of the handwriting. It was not my writing, but the writing of the boy who had a crush on me: Ray Singh. On his mother’s special rice paper Ray had written me a love note, which I never read. He had tucked it into my notebook during our Wednesday lab. His hand was distinct. When the officers came they had to piece together the scraps of my biology notebook and of Ray Singh’s love note.
在自家樹下發(fā)現(xiàn)我的筆記的女孩，認出那些紙張上的字有些不是我的筆跡，而是雷·辛格的筆跡。雷在他媽媽特制的稻草紙上，寫了一些悄悄話給我，但我卻沒有機會看到他的情書。星期三上實驗課時，他把紙條夾在我的筆記本里，他的筆跡，一看就認得出來。警方取回這些紙條，拼湊出我的生物筆記和雷·辛格的情書。
“Ray is not feeling well,” his mother said when a detective called his house and asked to speak to him. But they found out what they needed from her. Ray nodded to her as she repeated the policeman’s questions to her son. Yes, he had written Susie Salmon a love note. Yes, he had put it in her notebook after Mr. Botte had asked her to collect the pop quiz. Yes, he had called himself the Moor.
一名警探打電話到辛格家找雷問話，他媽媽對警探說：“雷有點不舒服?！钡綇乃抢锏玫搅怂麄兯南?。警探在電話里提出問題，她重復(fù)說給兒子聽，雷聽了逐一回答：是的，他寫了一封情書給蘇茜·沙蒙；是的，伯特先生請?zhí)K茜收小考考卷，他趁機把紙條夾在蘇茜的筆記本里；是的，他曾說自己是摩爾人。
Ray Singh became the first suspect.
雷·辛格成了頭號嫌犯。
“That sweet boy?” my mother said to my father.
“那個討人喜歡的男孩是嫌犯？”當天晚上吃飯時，我媽問我爸。
“Ray Singh is nice,” my sister said in a monotone at dinner that night.
“雷·辛格人不錯。”晚餐時琳茜語調(diào)平平地說。
I watched my family and knew they knew. It was not Ray Singh.
我看著我的家人，我知道大家都很清楚雷·辛格絕不是兇手。
The police descended on his house, leaning heavily on him, insinuating things. They were fueled by the guilt they read into Ray’s dark skin, by the rage they felt at his manner, and by his beautiful yet too exotic and unavailable mother. But Ray had an alibi. A whole host of nations could be called to testify on his behalf.
警方突然造訪雷·辛格家，他們仔細地訊問雷，話語中帶著強烈暗示。雷黝黑的膚色，以及憤怒的神情，再加上他美麗、頗具異國情調(diào)、莫測高深的母親，更加深了警方的猜疑。但雷有不在場證明，一群不同國籍的學生可以證明他的清白。
His father, who taught postcolonial history at Penn, had urged his son to
represent the teenage experience at a lecture he gave at the International House on the day I died.
雷的父親在賓州大學教授后殖民地歷史，兇殺案發(fā)生當天，他在賓大的國際學生中心演講，并鼓勵雷當場講述了自己的青春期經(jīng)驗。
At first Ray’s absence from school had been seen as evidence of his guilt, but once the police were presented with a list of forty-five attendees who had seen Ray speak at “Suburbia: The American Experience,” they had to concede his innocence. The police stood outside the Singh house and snapped small twigs from the hedges. It would have been so easy, so magical, their answer literally falling out of the sky from a tree. But rumors spread and, in school, what little headway Ray had made socially was reversed. He began to go home immediately after school.
起初，事發(fā)之時雷不在學校，使警方把這點視為證據(jù)，將他當成嫌犯，后來警察取得一張參加“郊區(qū)生活：美國經(jīng)驗談”演講的名單，名單上四十五名成員都看到雷站在講臺上演講，警方只好承認雷是清白的。警察站在辛格家門外，隨手折斷樹籬上的小樹枝，他們以為已經(jīng)不費吹灰之力就捉到了兇手，好像變魔術(shù)一樣，兇手從高高的樹上掉到他們面前，但結(jié)果卻并非如此。雖然雷是清白的，但學校里已經(jīng)謠言滿天飛，同學們才剛剛開始接受他，現(xiàn)在所有的進展全被一筆抹殺。自此之后，他一放學馬上回家，不再多作停留。
All this made me crazy. Watching but not being able to steer the police toward the green house so close to my parents, where Mr. Harvey sat carving finials for a gothic dollhouse he was building. He watched the news and scanned the papers, but he wore his own innocence like a comfortable old coat. There had been a riot inside him and now there was calm.
這些事情讓我急得發(fā)狂。哈維先生的綠色房子就在我家旁邊，他在屋里裁剪尖型塔，拼建一座哥特式的玩具屋，我看在眼里，卻不能把警察引進哈維先生家，心里真是著急。哈維先生看電視新聞，翻閱報上的消息，坦然地擺出無辜的樣子，先前他心中曾經(jīng)波濤洶涌，現(xiàn)在他已平靜下來了。
I tried to take solace in Holiday, our dog. I missed him in a way I hadn’t yet let myself miss my mother and father, my sister and brother. That way of missing would mean that I had accepted that I would never be with them again; it might sound silly but I didn’t believe it, would not believe it. Holiday stayed with Lindsey at night, stood by my father each time he answered the door to a new unknown. Gladly partook of any clandestine eating on the part of my mother. Let Buckley pull his tail and ears inside the house of locked doors.
我試著從小狗“假日”身上尋求慰藉。我不讓自己太想念爸爸、媽媽、妹妹和弟弟，但我告訴自己：想念“假日”沒關(guān)系。我覺得想念家人等于默認自己永遠不能和他們在一起，聽來或許有點愚蠢，但我不相信、也不接受我已經(jīng)和他們分開了?！凹偃铡蓖砩洗诹哲缟砼?；每次爸爸開門，面對另一個未知的新情況時，它總是站在爸爸身旁；它靜靜地分享媽媽的悲傷；在大門緊閉的家中，它也乖乖地讓巴克利拉扯它的尾巴和雙耳。想念它，就如同想念親人一樣。
There was too much blood in the earth.
泥土里有太多血跡。
On December fifteenth, among the knocks on the door that signaled to my family that they must numb themselves further before opening their house to strangers – the kind but awkward neighbors, the bumbling but cruel reporters – came the one that made my father finally believe.
這些日子以來，陌生人不時上門造訪。好心卻顯得不知所措的鄰居，假裝關(guān)心卻毫不留情的記者。家里不時有人敲門，一聽到敲門聲，家人都得先麻痹自己，以免情緒受到影響。十二月十五日又有人敲門，這次爸爸終于接受了事實。
It was Len Fenerman, who had been so kind to him, and a uniform.
敲門的是賴恩·費奈蒙和一名穿著制服的警察，這些日子以來，費奈蒙警探對爸爸一直很好。
They came inside, by now familiar enough with the house to know that my mother preferred them to come in and say what they had to say in the living room so that my sister and brother would not overhear.
他們走進屋子，他們現(xiàn)在對我家已經(jīng)很熟，也知道媽媽認為大家在客廳里談話比較恰當，警方若有話必須和爸媽說，大家在客廳里講，琳茜和巴克利才聽不到。
“We’ve found a personal item that we believe to be Susie’s,” Len said. Len was careful. I could see him calculating his words. He made sure to specify so that my parents would be relieved of their first thought – that the police had found my body, that I was, for certain, dead.
“警方找到一樣東西，我們認為是蘇茜的。”賴恩小心翼翼地說。我可以感覺到他考慮再三之后開口，他知道爸媽一聽到他的話，第一個念頭一定是警方找到了我的尸體，確定了我的死訊，他必須把話說清楚，爸媽才不會這么想。
“What?” my mother said impatiently. She crossed her arms and braced for another inconsequential detail in which others invested meaning. She was a wall. Notebooks and novels were nothing to her. Her daughter might survive without an arm. A lot of blood was a lot of blood. It was not a body. Jack had said it and she believed: Nothing is ever certain.
“什么東西？”媽媽急切地問道，她雙臂交握，等著聽另一個微小卻引人猜疑的消息。她很固執(zhí)，警方找到的筆記本和小說對她都不具意義，她甚至覺得女兒少了一只手臂也活得下來，血跡再多也只是血，而不是尸體。誠如她丈夫所言：沒有什么事是百分之百確定的。她相信這話是對的。
But when they held up the evidence bag with my hat inside, something broke in her. The fine wall of leaden crystal that had protected her heart – somehow numbed her into disbelief – shattered.
但當警察舉起裝著我的帽子的物證袋，媽媽忽然崩潰了。她心頭的最后一道防線開始動搖，她再也無法麻痹自己，拒絕接受事實。
“The pompom,” Lindsey said. She had crept into the living room from the
kitchen. No one had seen her come in but me.
“啊，絨球?！绷哲缯f，她偷偷從廚房溜進客廳，除了我之外，沒有人看到她溜進來。
My mother made a sound and reached out her hand. The sound was a metallic squeak, a human-as-machine breaking down, uttering last sounds before the whole engine locks.
媽媽伸出雙手，發(fā)出金屬破裂般的尖叫，她如機械般頑固的心慢慢地破碎，似乎想在完全崩潰之前說出最后幾句話。
“We’ve tested the fibers,” Len said. “It appears whoever accosted Susie used this during the crime.”
“我們對纖維做了測試，”賴恩說，“不管是誰誘拐了蘇茜，他在行兇時似乎用了這頂帽子。”
“What?” my father asked. He was powerless. He was being told something he could not comprehend.
“你說什么？”爸爸問道，他周身無力，完全無法理解警方告訴他的事情。
“As a way to keep her quiet.”
“兇手用這頂帽子阻止蘇茜喊叫?！?/p>
“What?”
“什么意思？”
“It is covered with her saliva,” the uniformed officer, who had been silent until now, volunteered. “He gagged her with it.”
“帽子上沾滿了她的唾液?！贝┲品木煺f，他一直安靜地站在一旁，到現(xiàn)在才說話，“兇手用帽子堵住蘇茜的嘴?！?/p>
My mother grabbed it out of Len Fenerman’s hands, and the bells she had sewn into the pompom sounded as she landed on her knees. She bent over the hat she had made me.
媽媽從賴恩·費奈蒙手上奪下帽子，她親手縫在絨球上的鈴鐺發(fā)出聲響。媽媽頹然跪倒在地，她親手為我編織的帽子平躺在面前。
I saw Lindsey stiffen at the door. Our parents were unrecognizable to her;
everything was unrecognizable.
我看到琳茜呆站在門口，她認不出爸媽，也認不出周遭的一切。
My father led the well-meaning Len Fenerman and the uniformed officer to the front door.
爸爸把好心的賴恩·費奈蒙和穿制服的警察帶到大門口。
“Mr. Salmon,” Len Fenerman said, “with the amount of blood we’ve found, and the violence I’m afraid it implies, as well as other material evidence we’ve discussed, we must work with the assumption that your daughter has been killed.”
“沙蒙先生，”賴恩·費奈蒙說，“我們發(fā)現(xiàn)大量血跡，下手的人恐怕相當兇暴，再加上我們討論過的一些證據(jù)，我們必須假設(shè)你女兒已經(jīng)遇害，我們打算把此事當成兇殺案來偵辦?！?/p>
Lindsey overheard what she already knew, had known since five days before, when my father told her about my elbow. My mother began to wail.
琳茜偷聽到她已經(jīng)知道的事情，五天前爸爸告訴她警方找到我的臂肘，從那時她就知道我已經(jīng)不在人世。媽媽開始嚎啕大哭。
“We’ll be working with this as a murder investigation from this point out,”
Fenerman said.
“從現(xiàn)在開始，我們會以兇殺案來偵辦?！辟M奈蒙說。
“But there is no body,” my father tried.
“但我們還沒有看到尸體?！卑职忠廊徊环艞壪Ｍ?。
“All evidence points to your daughter’s death. I’m very sorry.”
“所有證據(jù)都顯示你女兒已經(jīng)遇害，我真的非常抱歉?！?/p>
The uniformed officer had been staring to the right of my father’s pleading eyes. I wondered if that was something they’d taught him in school. But Len Fenerman met my father’s gaze. “I’ll call to check in on you later today,” he said.
那個穿著制服的警察一直沒有正眼面對爸爸哀求的眼神，我懷疑警察學校是否教他們這么做。但賴恩·費奈蒙雙眼直勾勾地面對爸爸的注視，“我晚一點再打電話給你們，看看大家情況如何?！彼f。
By the time my father turned back to the living room, he was too devastated to reach out to my mother sitting on the carpet or my sister’s hardened form nearby. He could not let them see him. He mounted the stairs, thinking of Holiday on the rug in the study. He had last seen him there. Into the deep ruff of fur surrounding the dog’s neck, my father would let himself cry.
爸爸頹然地走回客廳，他傷心得沒辦法安慰坐在地毯上的媽媽，或是安撫呆站在一旁的妹妹，他不能讓她們看到自己這副模樣。他蹣跚地走上二樓，心想“假日”臥在書房的地毯上，他剛才還在書房看到它。等看到“假日”，他把頭埋在小狗濃密的頸毛里，此時，他才讓自己盡情痛哭。
That afternoon the three of them crept forward in silence, as if the sound of footsteps might confirm the news. Nate’s mother knocked on the door to return Buckley. No one answered. She stepped away, knowing something had changed inside the house, which looked exactly like the ones on either side of it. She made herself my brother’s co-conspirator, telling him they would go out for ice cream and ruin his appetite.
那天下午，爸爸、媽媽和妹妹躡手躡腳地走動，好像害怕腳步聲會引來更多壞消息。奈特的媽媽送巴克利回家，她敲敲門，卻無人應(yīng)答，等了一會兒后她只好悄悄離開。雖然我家大門和左鄰右舍看起來完全相同，但她知道屋里已起了變化。父母都不喜歡小孩吃零食，但此時她決定和巴克利一起犯規(guī)，她問巴克利想不想吃冰淇淋，然后兩人一起去吃冰淇淋，吃得小弟晚上沒胃口吃飯。
At four, my mother and father ended up standing in the same room
downstairs. They had come in from opposite doorways.
四點鐘時，爸爸和媽媽來到樓下的一個房間，他們從不同方向走過來，結(jié)果在同一個房間碰頭。
My mother looked at my father: “Mother,” she said, and he nodded his head. He made the phone call to my only living grandparent, my mother’s mother, Grandma Lynn.
媽媽看著爸爸說：“我媽?！卑职致犃它c點頭，然后打電話給我惟一還活著的隔代長輩，琳恩外婆。
I worried that my sister, left alone, would do something rash. She sat in her room on the old couch my parents had given up on and worked on hardening herself. Take deep breaths and hold them. Try to stay still for longer and longer periods of time. Make yourself small and like a stone. Curl the edges of yourself up and fold them under where no one can see.
妹妹孤零零地被拋在一旁，我真擔心她會一時沖動做出傻事。她坐在她房里一張爸媽不要的舊沙發(fā)上，拼命告訴自己要堅強。深深吸一口氣，屏住呼吸；盡量長時間地挺直腰板；縮起身子，讓自己像小石頭一樣；把身體縮成一團，蜷在沒有人看得到的角落。
My mother told her it was her choice whether she wanted to return to school before Christmas – there was only one week left – but Lindsey chose to go.
離圣誕節(jié)只剩下一星期，媽媽讓琳茜自己決定是不是繼續(xù)上學校，琳茜決定回去上課。
On Monday, in homeroom, everyone stared at her as she approached the front of the classroom.
星期一早晨，她在大家的注目下走向教室門口。
“The principal would like to see you, dear,” Mrs. Dewitt confided in a hush.
“親愛的，校長想找你談?wù)??！钡贤靥那膶λf。
My sister did not look at Mrs. Dewitt when she was speaking. She was
perfecting the art of talking to someone while looking through them. That was my first clue that something would have to give. Mrs. Dewitt was also the English teacher, but more importantly she was married to Mr. Dewitt, who coached boys’ soccer and had encouraged Lindsey to try out for his team. My sister liked the Dewitts, but that morning she began looking into the eyes of only those people she could fight against.
琳茜開口說話，眼睛卻沒有看著迪威特太太，她趁機練習，希望自己能夠視而不見地與人交談。這是我第一次發(fā)現(xiàn)琳茜放棄了一些東西。迪威特太太是英文老師，更重要的是，迪威特先生是男孩們的橄欖球教練，他一直鼓勵琳茜加入他的球隊，琳茜也非常喜歡迪威特夫婦。但從那天早晨起，琳茜決定不再正視關(guān)心的眼神，只有面對那些她想吵架的人時，她才會直視對方。
As she gathered her things, she heard whispers everywhere. She was certain that right before she left the room Danny Clarke had whispered something to Sylvia Henley. Someone had dropped something near the back of the classroom. They did this, she believed, so that on their way to pick it up and back again, they could say a word or two to their neighbor about the dead girl’s sister.
她慢慢收拾桌上的東西，她聽到教室四處傳來竊竊私語。她確定她離開教室之前，丹尼·克拉克對施薇亞·亨妮說了什么。她相信有人故意把東西放在教室后面，這樣大家走到后面拿回東西時，才可以順便和同學們談?wù)撘呀?jīng)過世的姐姐。
Lindsey walked through the hallways and in and out of the rows of lockers – dodging anyone who might be near. I wished I could walk with her, mimic the principal and the way he always started out a meeting in the auditorium: “Your principal is your pal with principles!” I would whine in her ear, cracking her up.
琳茜穿過走廊，她穿梭于成排的寄物柜中，小心翼翼地躲避可能碰見的人。我真希望能和她走在一起，邊走邊模仿校長走路的姿勢和在校會上講話的樣子。每次在禮堂集合開校會時，校長總喜歡說：“你們的校長就像是一個有原則的朋友！”我每次都在琳茜耳邊學校長說話，逗得她忍不住大笑。
But while she was blessed with empty halls, when she reached the main office she was cursed with the drippy looks of consoling secretaries. No matter. She had prepared herself at home in her bedroom. She was armed to the teeth for any onslaught of sympathy.
她很慶幸走廊上沒什么人，但她一走進行政中心，馬上面臨秘書們同情的眼光。沒關(guān)系，她在家中自己的房間里已經(jīng)練習好了，她已裝備齊全準備應(yīng)付眾人的同情。
“Lindsey,” Principal Caden said, “I received a call from the police this morning. I’m sorry to hear of your loss.”
“琳茜，”校長凱定先生說，“今天早上我接到警方的電話，我為你的失去感到難過?！?/p>
She looked right at him. It was not so much a look as a laser. “What exactly is my loss?”
她直視著他，眼神有如激光般尖銳，“我到底失去了什么？”
Mr. Caden felt he needed to address issues of children’s crises directly. He walked out from behind his desk and ushered Lindsey onto what was commonly referred to by the students as The Sofa. Eventually he would replace The Sofa with two chairs, when politics swept through the school district and told him, “It is not good to have a sofa here – chairs are better. Sofas send the wrong message.”
凱定先生覺得他必須直截了當?shù)赜懻撨@個悲劇。他起身走過書桌，帶琳茜一起坐在學生們口中的“校長室沙發(fā)”上。后來校方對一些問題變得比較敏感，有人建議說：“沙發(fā)容易讓人產(chǎn)生錯覺，在校長室里擺張沙發(fā)不太好，椅子比較恰當?！眲P定先生聽了之后才把“校長室沙發(fā)”搬走，換上了兩把椅子。
Mr. Caden sat on The Sofa and so did my sister. I like to think she was a little thrilled, in that moment, no matter how upset, to be on The Sofa itself. I like to think I hadn’t robbed her of everything.
凱定先生和琳茜坐在“校長室沙發(fā)”上，我希望不管她多么生氣，坐在這張大名鼎鼎的沙發(fā)上，仍會覺得有點興奮。我不愿自己剝奪了她所有的快樂。
“We’re here to help in any way we can,” Mr. Caden said. He was doing his best.
“我們會盡全力幫助你?！眲P定先生說，他真是盡了全力。
“I’m fine,” she said.
“我很好?！绷哲缯f。
“Would you like to talk about it?”
“你想不想談?wù)劊俊?/p>
“What?” Lindsey asked. She was being what my father called “petulant,” as in, “Susie, don’t speak to me in that petulant tone.”
“談什么？”琳茜問道，她露出爸爸所謂的“傲慢”神情，爸爸有時對我說：“蘇茜，你別用這種傲慢的口氣和我說話?！?/p>
“Your loss,” he said. He reached out to touch my sister’s knee. His hand was like a brand burning into her.
“你所失去的?！毙ｉL說。他伸手碰碰琳茜的膝蓋，他的手有如烙印一般，燙了她一下。
“I wasn’t aware I had lost anything,” she said, and in a Herculean effort she made the motions of patting her shirt and checking her pockets.
“我不覺得自己失去了什么?！彼f，同時鼓起勇氣，強作鎮(zhèn)定地拍拍襯衣，檢查一下衣袋。
Mr. Caden didn’t know what to say. He had had Vicki Kurtz fall apart in his arms the year before. It had been difficult, yes, but now, in hindsight, Vicki Kurtz and her dead mother seemed an artfully handled crisis. He had led Vicki Kurtz to the couch – no, no, Vicki had just gone right over and sat down on it – he had said, “I’m sorry for your loss,” and Vicki Kurtz had burst like an overinflated balloon. He held her in his arms as she sobbed, and sobbed, and that night he brought his suit to the dry cleaner’s.
凱定先生不知道該說什么。一年以前他和維琪·克茲談話時，維琪哭倒在他的懷里，當時情況確實有點棘手，但現(xiàn)在看來，維琪·克茲似乎成功地克服了喪母的打擊。當時他把維琪·克茲帶到沙發(fā)旁，嗯，其實是維琪自己走到沙發(fā)旁，徑自坐了下來，“我為你的失去感到抱歉。”話一出口，維琪·克茲馬上像爆破的氣球一樣嚎啕大哭，他把她擁入懷中，她哭了又哭，當天晚上，他把西裝送去干洗了。
But Lindsey Salmon was another thing altogether. She was gifted, one of the twenty students from his school who had been selected for the statewide Gifted Symposium. The only trouble in her file was a slight altercation early in the year when a teacher reprimanded her for bringing obscene literature – Fear of Flying – into the classroom.
但琳茜·沙蒙是個完全不同的女孩，她天資聰穎，學校選派了二十名天才生，代表學校出席全州“天才生研討會”，琳茜就是其中之一。她檔案中惟一的小問題是今年年初她帶了一本黃色內(nèi)容的小說《害怕飛行》到課堂上，結(jié)果受到老師的申誡。
“Make her laugh,” I wanted to say to him. “Bring her to a Marx Brothers
movie, sit on a fart cushion, show her the boxers you have on with the little devils eating hot dogs on them!” All I could do was talk, but no one on Earth could hear me.
“想辦法逗她開心吧，”我真想對校長說，“帶她去看麥克斯兄弟的電影，試試看坐了會發(fā)出像放屁聲音的椅墊，讓她看看你那幾件上面印著小魔鬼吃熱狗的短褲！”我只能不停地說話，但凡間的人卻聽不到我說什么。
The school district made everyone take tests and then decided who was gifted and who was not. I liked to suggest to Lindsey that I was much more pissed off by her hair than by my dumbo status. We had both been born with masses of blond hair, but mine quickly fell out and was replaced with a grudging growth of mousy brown. Lindsey’s stayed and acquired a sort of mythical place. She was the only true blonde in our family.
學校讓每個學生接受測驗，借此決定誰是、誰不是天才生，我常對琳茜說，雖然我有點不高興自己不是天才生，但更讓我惱火的是琳茜的金發(fā)。我們姐妹生來都有一頭金發(fā)，但我的發(fā)色越來越淡，到后來變成一頭不聽話的灰褐發(fā)；琳茜仍是一頭金發(fā)，而且閃耀著神秘的光澤，她是家里惟一地道的金發(fā)女孩。
But once called gifted, it had spurred her on to live up to the name. She
locked herself in her bedroom and read big books. When I read Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret, she read Camus’s Resistance, Rebellion, and Death. She might not have gotten most of it, but she carried it around, and that made people – including teachers – begin to leave her alone.
獲選為天才生后，琳茜發(fā)憤圖強，一心想成為名副其實的優(yōu)等生。她閉門苦讀，而且專看重頭書，我看《你在那里嗎？上帝；是我，瑪格麗特》之類的青少年讀物，她則研讀卡謬的《抵抗》、《反叛》和《死亡》，雖然她或許讀不透這些作品，但她把書本帶在身邊，同學甚至老師們看了都對她敬畏三分。
“What I’m saying, Lindsey, is that we all miss Susie,” Mr. Caden said.
“我的意思是，我們都想念蘇茜?！眲P定先生說。
She did not respond.
琳茜默不作聲。
“She was very bright,” he tried.
“她是個非常聰明的女孩?！眲P定先生試著安慰琳茜。
She stared blankly back at him.
琳茜面無表情地回瞪他一眼。
“It’s on your shoulders now.” He had no idea what he was saying, but he
thought the silence might mean he was getting somewhere. “You’re the only Salmon girl now.”
“現(xiàn)在你得負起責任嘍，”他不知道自己在說些什么，但琳茜始終保持沉默，讓他覺得自己或許說中了什么，“你是沙蒙家惟一的女孩了?！?/p>
Nothing.
琳茜依然毫無反應(yīng)。
“You know who came in to see me this morning?” Mr. Caden had held back his big finish, the one he was sure would work. “Mr. Dewitt. He’s considering coaching a girls’ team,” Mr. Caden said. “The idea is all centered around you. He’s watched how good you are, as competitive as his boys, and he thinks other girls would come out if you led the charge. What do you say?”
“你知道今天上午誰來找我嗎？”凱定先生一直保留這個大消息，他確定這件事一定能引發(fā)琳茜的反應(yīng)。“迪威特先生早上來找我，他想組織一個女子球隊?！眲P定先生繼續(xù)說，“你是其中的靈魂人物，他看到你表現(xiàn)得那么好，簡直和他隊里的男選手一樣杰出，他覺得如果由你領(lǐng)頭的話，其他女孩一定踴躍參加，你覺得怎么樣？”
Inside, my sister’s heart closed like a fist. “I’d say it would be pretty hard to play soccer on the soccer field when it’s approximately twenty feet from where my sister was supposedly murdered.”
妹妹的心房有如拳頭般緊閉，她面無表情地回答：“據(jù)說我姐姐在離球場大約二十英尺的地方遭到謀殺，我想我恐怕很難在這里踢球。”
Score!
這話說到了點子上！
Mr. Caden’s mouth opened and he stared at her.
凱定先生目瞪口呆地看著琳茜。
“Anything else?” Lindsey asked.
“還有什么事嗎？”琳茜問道。
“No, I …” Mr. Caden reached out his hand again. There was a thread still – a desire to understand. “I want you to know how sorry we are,” he said.
“沒事了，我……”凱定先生再度伸出手，他還抱著一絲希望，指望琳茜能夠理解他的用心。“我希望你知道，大家都很難過。”
“I’m late for first period,” she said.
“我第一堂課快遲到了?！彼f。
In that moment she reminded me of a character in the Westerns my father loved, the ones we watched together on late-night TV. There was always a man who, after he shot his gun, raised the pistol to his lips and blew air across the opening.
在那一刻，她讓我想起西部片中的一個角色。爸爸喜歡西部片，我們父女三人常一起看深夜播出的影片，片中總有一個男人，開槍射擊之后把手槍舉到唇邊，吹一口氣，將煙霧吹向荒野。
Lindsey got up and took the walk out of Principal Caden’s office slow. The walks away were her only rest time. Secretaries were on the other side of the door, teachers were at the front of the class, students in every desk, our parents at home, police coming by. She would not break. I watched her, felt the lines she repeated over and over again in her head. Fine. All of it is fine. I was dead, but that was something that happened all the time – people died. As she left the outer office that day, she appeared to be looking into the eyes of the secretaries, but she was focusing on their misapplied lipstick or two-piece paisley crêpe de
chine instead.
琳茜站起來，慢慢走出校長辦公室，這是她惟一可以喘息的時刻，秘書們聚集在校長室外，老師們在教室里，學生們坐在課桌后，爸媽在家里，警察時來時往。她絕不崩潰，我看著她，感覺得到她在心里不斷重復(fù)：很好，一切都很好。沒錯，我死了，但這種事情隨時都會發(fā)生，人總是難免一死，不是嗎？那天她走過校長室外面的辦公室，她看起來好像在直視秘書們的眼睛，其實她看的是秘書們擦得不好的口紅，以及她們的縐紗上衣。
At home that night she lay on the floor of her room and braced her feet under her bureau. She did ten sets of sit-ups. Then she got into push-up position. Not the girl’s kind. Mr. Dewitt had told her about the kind he had done in the Marines, head-up, or one-handed, clapping between. After she did ten push-ups, she went to her shelf and chose the two heaviest books – her dictionary and a world almanac. She did bicep curls until her arms ached. She focused only on her breathing. The in. The out.
當天晚上，她躺在自己房間的地上，雙腳伸到衣柜下方，做了十下仰臥起坐。然后翻身繼續(xù)做俯臥撐，她做的可不是女孩子通常做的，而是迪威特先生教的陸戰(zhàn)隊操式：抬頭、單手著地，或是兩下之間合掌拍擊。做了十下俯臥撐之后，她走到書柜旁取下兩本最重的書，一本是大辭典，另一本是世界年鑒。她一手拿一本練習舉重，舉到手臂發(fā)酸才停下來。她只專注于自己的呼吸：吸氣，吐氣；吸氣，吐氣。
I sat in the gazebo in the main square of my heaven (our neighbors, the
O’Dwyers, had had a gazebo; I had grown up jealous for one), and watched my sister rage.
鄰居歐垂爾家有個陽臺，我從小就羨慕他們家的陽臺。天堂的廣場上也有個大陽臺，此時，我坐在陽臺上看著滿懷怒氣的妹妹。
Hours before I died, my mother hung on the refrigerator a picture that
Buckley had drawn. In the drawing a thick blue line separated the air and ground. In the days that followed I watched my family walk back and forth past that drawing and I became convinced that that thick blue line was a real place – an Inbetween, where heaven’s horizon met Earth’s. I wanted to go there into the cornflower blue of Crayola, the royal, the turquoise, the sky.
我過世幾小時前，媽媽在冰箱上貼了一張巴克利的畫，圖畫里有條粗粗的藍線，將天空與地面隔成兩半。我死后的那些日子里，我看著家人在畫前走來走去，到后來我相信天堂和凡間，真的有這么一條粗粗的藍線，那是所謂的陰陽界，天堂與人間的地平線在此處交疊，色澤有如藍紫的矢車菊、寶藍的土耳其玉及湛藍的天空，我真希望置身于這片深藍之中。
Often I found myself desiring simple things and I would get them. Riches in furry packages. Dogs.
我有些單純的夢想，這些夢想通常也會成真。我想要一些毛茸茸的小動物，我要有小狗作伴。
Every day in my heaven tiny dogs and big dogs, dogs of every kind, ran
through the park outside my room. When I opened the door I saw them fat and happy, skinny and hairy, lean and hairless even. Pitbulls rolled on their backs, the nipples of the females distended and dark, begging for their pups to come and suckle them, happy in the sun. Bassets tripped over their ears, ambling forward, nudging the rumps of dachshunds, the ankles of greyhounds, and the heads of the Pekingese. And when Holly took her tenor sax, set herself up outside the door that looked onto the park, and played the blues, the hounds all ran to form her chorus. On their haunches they sat wailing. Other doors opened then, and women stepped out from where they lived alone or with roommates. I would step
outside, Holly would go into an endless encore, the sun going down, and we would dance with the dogs – all of us together. We chased them, they chased us. We circled tail to tail. We wore spotted gowns, flowered gowns, striped gowns, plain. When the moon was high the music would stop. The dancing stopped. We froze.
于是，在我的天堂里，每天早上會有各種大大小小的狗、在門外的公園奔馳，我一開門就看到這些快樂的小狗，有些瘦小多毛，有些強壯結(jié)實，甚至有些是無毛狗。比特犬在地上打滾，母狗的乳頭膨脹、黝黑，拼命把小狗趕過來吃奶，一家大小快樂地在陽光下嬉戲。巴薩特矮腳長耳犬被自己的耳朵弄得磕磕絆絆的，小跑著在德國獵犬及大灰狗的腳踝間和京巴的腦袋邊穿梭前進。哈莉拿出高音薩克斯風，在門外坐正，對著公園吹奏藍調(diào)音樂，所有大灰狗都圍在她身旁，坐在地上隨著樂聲低嚎。鄰居們打開了大門，獨居的女人或是有室友的女孩紛紛出來觀望。我會走出大門，哈莉在大家熱烈的呼聲中，不停地再奏一曲。夕陽逐漸西下，我們穿著小碎花、斑點、條紋或是花色簡單的睡衣和小狗隨著樂聲起舞，大家都非常高興。我們追著小狗跑，小狗們也反過來追我們，大家繞著圈子追來追去，當明月高掛天際時，樂聲告一段落，我們也停下來，靜靜地站著。
Mrs. Bethel Utemeyer, the oldest resident of my heaven, would bring out her violin. Holly tread lightly on her horn. They would do a duet. One woman old and silent, one woman not past girl yet. Back and forth, a crazy schizoid solace they’d create.
此時，天堂里年紀最大的貝賽兒·厄特邁爾太太拿出小提琴，哈莉腳下打著拍子，吹奏薩克斯風，兩人開始二重奏。她們兩人一個年長而沉默，一個還不到青春期，樂聲你來我往，交織出撫慰人心的歡快樂章。
All the dancers would slowly go inside. The song reverberated until Holly, for a final time, passed the tune over, and Mrs. Utemeyer, quiet, upright, historical, finished with a jig.
隨著音樂起舞的聽眾逐漸走進屋內(nèi)，樂聲在空中回蕩，哈莉終于示意厄特邁爾太太接手，沉默、嚴肅、上了年紀的厄特邁爾太太以一曲輕快的三拍吉格舞，畫下了休止符。
The house asleep by then; this was my Evensong.
此時四下一片沉寂，這就是我的晚禱。
