去年的年末總結，我寫，“My 2016 was all about the unimaginable, yet it was what I had truly gone through.”
2016對于我來說是翻天覆地的一年。2017，對比來講，看起來似乎挺平淡。
一切都歸于正軌，我好像也對每次五千公里的長途飛行習以為常。只是兩年里我在進行不同的掙扎，第一年是還沒斷奶的小鳥初次離巢，第二年是飛到半空中的小鳥掙扎著向南方遷徙。
一月份我曾多次進行self-therapy，因為我知道，今年不會像去年的后半段那樣輕松自在了。也許以后回想起來會好笑吧，畢竟上山的路總是越走越險。但我的確對中四的一年抱著太大太大的期望，于是這滿到溢出來的期望就慢慢凝成了帶著激動的恐懼。
Term 1和 Term 2總體來說是安穩(wěn)度過的，without tangible threats materializing. 除了mid-year化學的fiasco把我打了個措手不及，但當時的我也知道，只是現(xiàn)在看得更清楚，波動是必然的，只是當時我過度繃緊的神經好像已經把這些真實的小細節(jié)給忽略了，于是當它們蹦到我眼前時，才會這么吃驚。
Term 3，鋪天蓋地的Oral Practice，然而我并沒有覺得自己達到了英文表達的巔峰。只是覺得很驚奇，當時是怎么在last chem/english prelim, Bio Olympiad 和 English Oral的三重混亂之中安穩(wěn)度過的。我想我大概不會忘記XYZ那一堆一堆的口試材料，不會忘記在我破罐子破摔時她們給我的鼓勵，不會忘記考完口試大家都feel like shit，卻還是告訴我You’ll impress the examiner.雖然我最后也feel like shit, if not worse than that. Term 3好像那是我哭的最頻繁的一段時間，衛(wèi)生間的小隔間，關燈后的被窩里，有的時候莫名其妙想起什么眼眶就開始酸脹。挺慶幸，自己在宿舍沒像去找Mr Aiman一樣把持不住當場淚奔出來。
這畢竟是我自己的事啊，然后九月份咩的到來似乎又溫柔地把一切都歸回正軌。在Somerset Bencoolen拿到回家機票的那個下午，我忽然覺得非常安心，即使還沒拿到Prelim 2的成績，即使還有不知會如何的兩個月，也覺得，好像看到了這條隧道的盡頭，看見了灑進來的日光。
Term 4，出乎意料的平淡。以為會痛苦異常的兩周準備，也就在滿滿的schedule中過去了。開始考試的第一科E-Math Paper 1把我緊張的不行，還在擔心這種心態(tài)明天英語可怎么考呀。英語也算是稀里糊涂地考完了吧，發(fā)現(xiàn)審錯題懊惱了一晚上，但是到第二周開始接二連三的出問題之后就麻木了。我覺得考O-Level的自己像是拿著一個放大鏡沒完沒了地審視著自己在考場上坐著的那一兩個小時，能不看出問題？考完Geog那天晚上multiple whammy的猛烈攻擊反而讓我釋然，好像是一鍋煮沸騰的開水已經溢出了大半杯：來啊，快活啊，你再氣氣我，看我能不能爆炸。
現(xiàn)在想想那個晚上，有點難過，但更多的是覺得搞笑，氣到頭了，怎么好像一下子就都不在意了，而且也不是破罐子破摔，有一種“眾人皆醉我獨醒”的大徹大悟。
然后就這么接著稀里糊涂地過了hell week，過了等待中華文學的空窗周，過了考完中華文學的解放前夕，然后，Bio MCQ的主考官拿著麥克說“OK Time’s up. Stop writing.”
我盯著大屏幕上的“17 November 2017”，不想哭也不想笑，沒有激動，沒有涕泗橫流，沒有熱淚盈眶，沒有悵然若失，就是，“哦?？纪炅??！?/p>
考完了。想不起來那天是和誰一起回的家，好像是一貫歡脫加吐槽的Jade，路過她給我安利的那家飲品店我還想去買，結果沒開門，傷心了幾分鐘。
考完了。回去收拾箱子，把一摞書搬給太學妹，出去取公交卡，吃2017在坡的最后一頓hawker centre，買和兩年前一樣的cupcake，還有，扔書。
我站在recycle corner堆成山的廢紙前面，小心翼翼地把我的教科書放在桌子上。
“Don’t you want to throw them away?”
打醬油的Jade興致勃勃地提議。
我想了想，嘗試著抓起一本練習冊，掄圓了胳膊后松開手，望著它單薄的身軀在空中劃過一道歪歪扭扭的拋物線，砰一聲落在大垃圾桶里，揚起紛紛揚揚的灰塵。
“It’s so sad.”我說。
“No you should feel happy.”
“I’ve been using them for two years and now I’m throwing them away.”
“Now they are useless.”
于是，我一本接一本地扔書，直到我低頭，看見空空如也的小推車。我沒有什么可以扔的了。我的書也沒了，力氣也沒了，兩年多少個日日夜夜的寫寫畫畫，收拾了一周后就收的收，扔的扔，歸置一下，也什么都沒了。書架空了，床腳兩摞書沒有了，床底的一排書消失了，什么都沒了。
然后我腦海里忽然蹦出唐山大地震里徐帆的話：沒了，才知道啥叫沒了。伴隨著唐山腔，涌上一種不合時宜的喜感。我沒笑出來，嗓子里一陣干澀，說不出來話。
搬箱子的時候，小推車的輪子把我的腳趾蓋撞破了，我卻渾然不知。拖著流血的腳趾，我看著一半空蕩、一半狼藉的，住了兩年的宿舍，對自己說，“I’m gonna be a man for now.”
五點十五，抹上粉底眼線唇膏，穿上禮服裙高跟鞋，卻沒有想象中那么激動了。期盼了很久很久的畢業(yè)舞會,羨慕了很久很久的學姐們光彩照人的合影，也只是看起來很美而已。
我想，我一直等的只是交最后一科卷子的那一瞬間，等那一瞬間的放下和釋然，等扔書時那種帶著不舍的暢快，等看到房間清空時心里空落落的欣慰，等那一刻我可以清楚地看到，I have given it all that I have.
走之前，我看到電腦里自己在Pei DSA成功那天，寫給她卻從未發(fā)出的信。我抱著電腦，看著宿舍邊上那條灑滿落葉的林蔭小道，看著在夕陽下閃著粼粼微光的Kallang River。一整天下來，只是在那么一瞬間，有點想哭。
是挺難過，卻也挺驕傲的想哭，為她驕傲，也為我自己驕傲。不管是怎么樣，就這么過來了，因為這件事讓我慢慢學著不再那么幼稚的依賴別人，慢慢學著不焦慮kiasu的東瞅細看，慢慢學著走自己覺得對的路。
這封信，她也許不會看到。我也不知道我是否希望她看到。與其說是寫給她，不如說是寫給我自己。雖然我總是不愿在結果明了之前妄下結論，雖然我不知道明年的我還能不能像今天說的這樣“你記得也好/最好你忘掉”一樣豁達，雖然，我不能假定未來，也不敢假定未來。
只是我知道這個2017，有她，有Yinuo, 有B0510，更有我自己，起碼今天的我回想起來，覺得很滿足。
這是在一群人的成長中，我的轉變。摔碎了的玻璃心，被剝下來的粘人蟲，以后都再不會有了。
2018，繼續(xù)野蠻地生長。
Dear Penny,
I believe today would be a day to remember for you, and I am really heartened by it. I feel immensely happy for you, for all your efforts that have not come to nought. I have witnessed it all, or maybe you did hide it well, but I saw so much of your stress and anxieties, your uncertainties and fears, those that are observable, or carefully disguised, or diligently hidden. Erhu classes, Chemistry Olympiad, Biology Olympiad, you have persevered through them and managed to welcome all your commitments. Definitely, I know that this piece of good news today does not befall upon you by chance. You deserve it, and you always do.
The only thing is, I have yet learned to accept myself, and you have already (involuntarily?) become an essential part of my life. The problem with doing everything conscientiously is that you cannot simply let go of any sign of imperfection. I know that many a time I have expected too much, when I was not paying the effort that is commensurate with what I wanted - I have always taken a lot of things for granted. I have always prioritized one thing over another, and it might turn out to be a dangerous bet. We all are afraid to admit our ambitions, because we are all so vain deep inside. Our achievements are never just for ourselves, and I have already realized that while I was applying for the scholarship. I mean, this vanity may push us very far, but it can be confusing, exhausting, and blinding. I have yet to learn to strike a balance, and to feed myself a healthy dose of ambition.
But I’m certain that what I am pursuing today is not a mirage. It is something concrete that I know clearly I want, and math tells me there is indeed a high probability that i will be able to clinch it. The only concern is that, I need to learn to be patient and keep my cool. This is a suspended agony, and my ability to actually divert this possibility to something else makes it all the more grueling. I hope you can understand, and empathize with me. Please give me more time to clarify, understand, and accept everything that is happening at such a dramatically fast pace.
This letter may never find you, but it doesn’t matter; we need some time to agonize over something, to feel a bit uncomfortable and be laid down, so that we can struggle and get up and stand tall even more. Maybe this is the time for me to break my shell from inside.
