離開(kāi)上海去日本之前在wordpress開(kāi)了一個(gè)小眾博客，雖然有著一個(gè)月一篇文的野心，堅(jiān)持了五六篇后也懶散下來(lái)，不過(guò)對(duì)于我來(lái)說(shuō)，碼字比看心理醫(yī)生還有效，所以繼續(xù)不溫不火的寫著。
我是在四月份結(jié)束日本生活回到重慶的，一年前去日本時(shí)我的目標(biāo)很明確，放縱六個(gè)月，好好沖刺語(yǔ)言，大半年之后找工作，安定下來(lái)，順其自然結(jié)個(gè)婚，不能自然就四五年后再?gòu)拈L(zhǎng)計(jì)議。但過(guò)去一年里家里大大小小出了不少事兒，我爸只干干脆脆的丟了三個(gè)字“你自私”！為了維持我和這臺(tái)永久牌ATM的關(guān)系，年初回家時(shí)立了保證書(shū)，畫(huà)押（震得墻都裂了）。
周圍的朋友都說(shuō)對(duì)比中國(guó)目前越來(lái)越冷的家庭觀，我這一舉動(dòng)是大孝，但提到日本的父母與子女關(guān)系，那是真的冰霜。我的那位快七十仍在教書(shū)的日文老師，自曝和她女兒同住屋檐下卻是二十年沒(méi)有真正交流；另一位三十歲時(shí)髦活潑的日本女性友人，大學(xué)離家后維持著和家人一年僅僅一通電話的頻率。這不是特例，而是日本的普遍社會(huì)現(xiàn)狀。相反國(guó)內(nèi)個(gè)個(gè)看似酷到不行的朋友，每年都牽著爸媽東走走西晃晃，在日本人看來(lái)應(yīng)該反而是騷擾了彼此吧。
日本最基本的生活原則就是“不要給別人添麻煩”。去銀行申請(qǐng)開(kāi)戶，如果對(duì)自己的日文沒(méi)有足夠的信心，那請(qǐng)你叫上日文好的朋友，否則就會(huì)給銀行的工作人員“添麻煩”，耽誤所有人的時(shí)間。去失物招領(lǐng)處取回遺忘在地鐵里的錢包時(shí)，除了謝謝，你還得說(shuō)對(duì)不起，給你添麻煩了-- 不光麻煩了那位撿到你錢包送過(guò)來(lái)的人，還麻煩了這位幫你保管的朋友。電影正片看完之后你得傻傻的耐心的靜靜的坐到整個(gè)演職人員名單，主題曲，插曲，贊助商全部播放完畢之后才可起身走人，不然又是給別人“添麻煩”的行為。日本的文化里，即使是父母也是別人，相比中國(guó)家庭四個(gè)老人圍著孫子孫女轉(zhuǎn)的情況，在日本要請(qǐng)老人幫忙帶小孩，那也就是一件“給別人添麻煩”的事。大概是崇尚集體主義的日本人年輕時(shí)沒(méi)有太多自己的時(shí)間，現(xiàn)在好不容易退休解放了，怎么能被第三代綁架呢？所以日本的老人們生活都非常繁忙，有的直到80歲還在繼續(xù)工作（老齡化問(wèn)題使日本60歲退休后老人仍可繼續(xù)少量的工作），有的熱衷于園藝，嚴(yán)謹(jǐn)?shù)陌才胖鶕?jù)不同植物生長(zhǎng)周期的作戰(zhàn)表，有的就流連于小鋼珠和居酒屋瀟灑人生了，反正也不用擔(dān)心兒子女兒的學(xué)費(fèi)生活費(fèi)，因?yàn)槟嵌嫉煤⒆觽冏约捍蚬べ崱?/p>
我和我爸的關(guān)系一度也是這樣不聞不問(wèn)，小時(shí)候家里窮，我們?nèi)胰诤投胰谝约盃敔斈棠蹋?個(gè)人一起住在一個(gè)80平方米不到的地方，那時(shí)候跑來(lái)跑去也并不覺(jué)得擁擠。全家以八路軍爺爺為中心進(jìn)行著食不言寢不語(yǔ)的軍事化生活，導(dǎo)致劉家的小孩全部都是挨打挨過(guò)來(lái)的。由于爸爸忙著掙錢，一年到頭也看不到幾眼，能記住的都是被教訓(xùn)的時(shí)刻。記憶的高潮就是反叛期的我，一度被我爸一根筋的認(rèn)定有了早戀的苗頭，早戀就要扼殺！隱約感覺(jué)那段時(shí)間有人跟蹤了我兩個(gè)禮拜，但那時(shí)諜戰(zhàn)片沒(méi)現(xiàn)在這么普遍，所以見(jiàn)識(shí)少的我完全沒(méi)有還手的機(jī)會(huì)，只能祈禱著考上最遠(yuǎn)的大學(xué)，離家。不過(guò)真走了之后，我也有過(guò)由于想家躲在宿舍廁所里嚎啕大哭的經(jīng)歷，心也隨之軟了下來(lái)。大概是大三回家過(guò)年時(shí)，發(fā)現(xiàn)老爸開(kāi)始喜歡追憶往事，眼里閃的光除了柔也還是柔，這應(yīng)該就是人開(kāi)始變老的時(shí)候吧（如果你的口頭禪也變成了，你還記得我們以前...... hello 老人）！加上受到太多洋片和洋文學(xué)“愛(ài)要及時(shí)說(shuō)出口”的影響，我開(kāi)始大踏步向爸媽靠近，主動(dòng)匯報(bào)，主動(dòng)分享，我爸還在男朋友的問(wèn)題上對(duì)我諄諄教誨，一針見(jiàn)血的指出不能只找?guī)浀模蚧@球打得好的。我還是奔著臉蛋去了。
爸媽退休后我非常義正嚴(yán)辭的督促他們多學(xué)習(xí)，多栽花種草，趁著能走多嘗試新的挑戰(zhàn)。我這人對(duì)自己不嚴(yán)格，對(duì)身邊親近的人反而非常嚴(yán)苛。我爸在我的嘮叨下火了，野心爆棚的趕往鄉(xiāng)下一心一意的搞什么夢(mèng)想農(nóng)場(chǎng)，有豬有鴨，還要打造自釀酒窖，已經(jīng)差不多快兩個(gè)月沒(méi)看到他；我媽則選擇沉迷于書(shū)的海洋——網(wǎng)絡(luò)穿越小說(shuō)，把每個(gè)男主角都幻想成陳偉霆，活得比我還少女。
看看父母，想想一晃過(guò)了1/3的我的人生，腦海中飄過(guò)一篇去年讀過(guò)的文章，想要跟大家分享。大意就是如果我們能幸運(yùn)的活到90歲，一生的時(shí)間用圖形表示出來(lái)，按年看是這樣：
按月看是這樣（每一橫行代表36個(gè)月，3年）：
按天看就是這樣（每?jī)尚幸荒辏慷问辏?/p>
那我們能和父母在一起的剩下的時(shí)間（文章作者以自己為例，今年34歲，假設(shè)高中畢業(yè)前每天與父母見(jiàn)面，上大學(xué)之后平均每年與父母見(jiàn)面10天，活到60歲時(shí)父母仍健在）
所以，當(dāng)我們步入大學(xué)校園時(shí)，就已經(jīng)用掉了差不多93%能和父母相處的時(shí)間，現(xiàn)在，正消耗著臨近結(jié)束的5%的時(shí)間......心突然疼了吧？把父母換成生命中其他對(duì)你重要的人再想想，兄弟姐妹，你的發(fā)小，你遠(yuǎn)在天涯的摯友，雖然并不是再也見(jiàn)不了面，只是我們和他們每次見(jiàn)面的時(shí)間也已經(jīng)慢慢接近了最后一面的邊緣。
時(shí)光流逝，光陰荏苒，我們能盡力做到的也只有：
1. 定居在一個(gè)有你愛(ài)的人的城市；
2. 把更多的時(shí)間留給你認(rèn)為重要的人；
3. 記住上面的插圖，好好珍惜每一次相聚的時(shí)光。
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I started a blog a year ago before my departure to Osaka. I was updating it once a month in average at the beginning, until my level of ambitious got tempered by an urge to truly embrace the comforts of Japan - I was too comfortable to write. Words have always been therapeutic for me; therefore, I am about to load and unload again...
I got back to my hometown Chongqing this April. I had immense clarity and perspective before I chose to take a sabbatical in Japan. Balance and build in rest, master the language, settle down and maybe get married; relocate to somewhere else after 4 or 5 years if I am still not married off by then. But last year was pretty rough for me and my family, lots of unpredictable changes. My dad had called me SELFISH to my face at some point which was a kick in the head - do I really want to upset my permanent ATM? NOT A CHANCE. Without any hesitation, I signed this "Moving back to Chongqing" unequal treaty.
Well, they say my act was rare given nowadays very few children in China care about their parents. Lately a survey indicates that Japan has weakest parent-child relationships among Trumpland, South Korea and China. My 60 years old Japanese teacher and his daughter stopped communicating 20 years ago despite they live under the same roof. Another stylish Japanese friend of mine, said she only calls her family once a year after leaving for college. Look around my Chinese friends, 90% of whom would make time to travel with their parents every year. Who said we don't care?
As for Japan, DO NOT cause troubles for someone else is the ultimate rule living in this country. Don't go to the bank or post office alone if your Japanese is not good enough, you will end up causing troubles for the staff and others waiting in the line. When you go retrieving your lost item at the Lost & Found centre, besides "arigatou", an apology is also necessary since you troubled the person who found your item as well as the one who handed back to you. In Japanese schools, teaching children self control is as important as teaching academic content. You need to possess unnatural patience to "stay out of trouble" when going to a movie in Japan, no one leaves their seats until the entire credits sequence rolled up after the movie ends. In Japanese culture, parents are considered "someone else". Compared to Chinese grandparents who "lean in" holding the baby in order to help their children pursue professional goals, Japanese grandparents refused to let that baby hijack their own lives. They might keep working (labor shortages due to its shrinking population), concentrate on that gardening project which was supposed to be done 30 years ago, or chill in the pachinko place, get buzzed and happy. After all they got nothing to worry about, their kids are paying their own way through college once they turned 18.
My dad and I used to be that "indifferent". Our family of three, my uncle's family of three, plus my grandparents, eight living human beings shared an apartment of 80 square meters big. It was awesome (hurdling was the major sports in the house). We lived by the Confucianism 101: Do not speak at the feeding or sleeping time and believed in Tiger Parenting. I had to run down 4 floors one time to pick up the bun skin that I threw out after attacking the meat inside when my grandpa caught me in action… I wasn't a sharp kid. Like every other family in China at 80s, the father had to provide. I barely saw my dad when growing up since he was always out. Yet he still managed to have me followed cuz he was convinced that I fell in love with some bad boy during my teen rebellion period. It might look funny now. But I was really hurt at that time. I stopped talking him and my only wish was to stay far far away. As a matter of fact, emotional abuse is the worst kind. Some tips for today's kids, you have seen The Bourne Identity or Mission Impossible, there are many better approaches to lose a tail!
I can't remember exactly since when things started to change between dad and I. Perhaps it was around my junior year spring break, my dad somehow admitted how he felt sorry that he wasn't there for me when I needed him. I suddenly noticed a deep tenderness sparkling in his eyes. I couldn't help giving him a real hug and told him I am ok now. Yes, all those cheesy "express your love before it's too late" lines in rom-coms I had watched way more had affected me. We began to talk more and trust each other more. He even gave me advice on boyfriend - enjoy boys for who they are, not because they play basketball well or look pretty. Dah!
Since my parents got retired this year, I have successfully transformed into a hovering helicopter by rushing them to come up with a retirement plan, not only the want-to-do list, but also the detailed how-to-do agenda. I wasn't always hard on myself but I was always super hard on people closest to me. Thanks for that, my dad is cultivating his dream farm in the countryside, building up the pigsty and fixing a mini rice wine factory every day. Great, I haven't seen him for two months already. My mom? Following my advice of reading more books, she is now addicted to the time travel romance novels on the internet and obsessed with handsome young actors in the time travel TV series.
As I am writing, I thought of this article that I had read before. I think it is worth sharing here as it reminds us a very important part of life. If we can live to 90, visually it my look like this by years:
By months:
By days:
And the days of our in-person parent time (let's say you are as old as the author, 34, hypothetically having both parents alive into his 60s, and the average of his in-person parent time after leaving home for college is 10 days per year)
It turns out that when we went to university, we had already used up 93% of our in-person parent time. We are likely now enjoying the last 5% of that time. WE ARE TOWARDS THE END. Mind you, it's a similar story with our sisters, cousins, and dear always-on-the-same-thought-wave-length friends. Despite not being at the end of your life, you may very well be nearing the end of your time with some of the most important people in your life.
What we do with all these negative energy? Time is fleeting and I don't think we will all live to 90, for that reason, you may want to consider these three things:
1. Living in the same place as the people you love matters.
2. Priorities the remaining face time with people that truly matters to you.
3. Keep those charts in mind and cherish every minute when you are together.
原創(chuàng)文章，請(qǐng)勿隨意轉(zhuǎn)載
