-*-
106
我和埃利奧諾拉，還有三個孩子一起逛街，我心里非常舒服，即使是她拿著一把刀子刺我，我估計也不會感到疼。尼諾的妻子看到我那么興高采烈，而且對她很熱情，她對我不再有敵意。她贊美黛黛和艾爾莎，說她們太乖了，她向我坦白說，她很欣賞我。她丈夫跟她講了所有關(guān)于我的事情，我的學(xué)業(yè)，還有我后來怎么成為一位成功的小說家。她承認(rèn)說：“我有點兒嫉妒你，不是因為你很厲害，而是因為你一直都認(rèn)識他，而我沒有。我希望我在他小時候也能認(rèn)識他，那我會知道，他十歲是什么樣子，十四歲是什么樣子，他變聲期之前的聲音是什么樣子，他小時候是怎么笑的。她說，現(xiàn)在幸好我有阿爾伯特，他和他爸爸一模一樣?！?/p>
I went out with Eleonora and the three
? children in a state of such well-being that even if she had stuck a knife in
? me I would not have felt bad. Nino’s wife, besides, in the face of my
? euphoria and the many kindnesses I showed her, stopped being hostile, praised
? Dede and Elsa’s good behavior, confessed that she admired me. Her husband had
? told her everything about me, my studies, my success as a writer. But I’m a
? little jealous, she admitted, and not because you’re clever but because
? you’ve known him forever and I haven’t. She, too, would like to have met him
? as a girl, and know what he was like at ten, at fourteen, his voice before it
? changed, his laughter as a boy. Luckily I have Albertino, she said, he’s just
? like his father.
我看著那個孩子，但我并沒有看出尼諾的影子，可能他以后會顯示出來吧。黛黛馬上非常自豪地說：“我像我爸爸?！卑瑺柹又f：“我更像媽媽?！边@時候，我想起了西爾維亞的兒子米爾科，他倒是和尼諾一模一樣。當(dāng)時在馬麗婭羅莎的家里，我把他抱在懷里，哄他讓他停止啼哭時，我是多么愉悅啊！那時候的我離結(jié)婚生子還很遙遠(yuǎn)，我當(dāng)時想在那個孩子身上，得到什么樣的感覺？我還不知道詹納羅是斯特凡諾的孩子時，我在他身上尋找什么？現(xiàn)在我是黛黛和艾爾莎的母親，我在阿爾伯特的身上尋找什么？為什么我那么關(guān)注地看著他？我覺得，尼諾一定不會想到米爾科，就我所知，他對詹納羅也從來沒表現(xiàn)出任何興趣。這些男人被快感和高潮沖昏了頭腦，他們漫不經(jīng)心，隨處播種，讓女人懷孕。他們進(jìn)入女人內(nèi)部，然后抽身而出，給女人留下的是他們的幽靈，像遺失的物品一樣，埋在肉里。阿爾伯特是他想要的、有意要的孩子嗎？或者說，眼前這個年輕的母親抱在懷里的孩子，尼諾并沒有覺得和他有什么關(guān)系？心里想著這些，我告訴埃利奧諾拉說，她兒子和他父親小時候一模一樣，我為自己的這句謊言感到高興。然后，我用一種溫情柔和的語氣，跟她仔細(xì)講述了尼諾小學(xué)時的樣子，就是奧利維耶羅老師和校長組織競賽的那個階段；還有高中時期，談到了加利亞尼老師以及我們和其他朋友在伊斯基亞一起度假的事兒。我的講述在這里就打住了，盡管她就像一個小孩一樣，不停地問我：“后來呢？”
I observed the child, but it didn’t seem
? to me that I saw signs of Nino, maybe they would appear later. I look like
? Papa, Dede exclaimed suddenly, proudly, and Elsa added: I’m more like my
? mamma. I thought of Silvia’s son, Mirko, who had seemed identical to Nino.
? What pleasure I had felt holding him in my arms, soothing his cries in
? Mariarosa’s house. What had I been looking for at that time, in that child,
? when I was still far from the experience of motherhood? What had I sought in
? Gennaro, before I knew that his father was Stefano. What was I looking for in
? Albertino, now that I was the mother of Dede and Elsa, and why did I examine
? him so closely? I dismissed the idea that Nino remembered Mirko from time to
? time. Nor did I think he had ever demonstrated any interest in Gennaro. Men,
? dazed by pleasure, absent-*-mother without Nino’s feeling that he had had
? anything to do with it? I roused myself, I said to Eleonora that her son was
? the image of his father and was content with that lie. Then I told her in
? detail, with affection, with tenderness, about Nino at the time of elementary
? school, at the time of the contests organized by Maestra Oliviero and the
? principal to see who was smartest, Nino at the time of high school, about
? Professor Galiani and the vacation we had had on Ischia, with other friends.
? I stopped there, even though she kept childishly asking: And then?
聊著聊著，她對我越來越友好了，而且越來越信任我。我們進(jìn)到一家商店里，假如我喜歡一件衣服，試了之后沒買，我會發(fā)現(xiàn)在出來時，埃利奧諾拉已經(jīng)買下送給我了。她也想給黛黛和艾爾莎買衣服。在餐廳吃飯時，也是她付錢。她花錢叫了一輛出租車，讓司機(jī)先把我和兩個女兒送回家，然后再送他們母子倆回賓館，她拎著很多袋子。我們告別了，我和兩個女兒一直在招手，直到汽車消失在街角。我想，她代表著那不勒斯的另一面，但距離我的體驗很遠(yuǎn)。她花錢如流水，就好像那些錢沒有任何價值，那些錢一定不是尼諾掙的，我排除了這種可能。她父親是律師，祖父也是，她母親是一位銀行家的女兒。我想，這些資產(chǎn)階級的財富和索拉拉家的財富有什么差別。我想，那些錢在變成律師的高工資，還有奢華的生活之前，經(jīng)過了多少秘密的周轉(zhuǎn)。我想起了我們城區(qū)的那些男孩子，他們靠裝卸走私的貨物、在公園里砍樹、在工地上勞動來掙口飯吃。我想到了安東尼奧、帕斯卡萊和恩佐，為了掙口飯吃，他們從小就吃盡苦頭。那些工程師、建筑師、律師、銀行家卻都是另一回事兒，他們的錢是從哪兒來的？盡管經(jīng)過了千層過濾，但那些錢還是來自于黑暗的交易，同樣的骯臟，有一些甚至成了我父親的小費，成了我上學(xué)的錢。那些臟錢變成干凈的錢，或者相反，其中的界限在哪里？埃利奧諾拉興致勃勃，她在佛羅倫薩這一天里出手大方，花的錢到底有多干凈？她簽的支票，給我買的衣服，我?guī)Щ丶业倪@些禮物，和米凱萊付給莉拉的錢有多大差別？這個下午，我和兩個女兒都在鏡子前炫耀我們收到的禮物。那些都是好東西，顏色鮮艷，讓人賞心悅目。有一件暗紅色的、四十年代風(fēng)格的裙子，尤其適合我，我希望尼諾看到我穿那條裙子的樣子。
The more we talked, the more she liked
? me; she became attached to me. If we went into a shop and I liked something,
? tried it on but then decided against it, I discovered on leaving that
? Eleonora had bought it, as a present for me. She also wanted to buy clothes
? for Dede and Elsa. At the restaurant she paid. And she paid for the taxi in
? which she took me home with the children, and then had herself driven to the
? hotel, loaded with packages. We said goodbye, the children and I waved until
? the car turned the corner. She’s another piece of my city, I thought. Outside
? my field of experience. She used money as if it had no value. I ruled out
? that it was Nino’s money. Her father was a lawyer, also her grandfather, her
? mother was from a banking family. I wondered what difference there was
? between their bourgeois wealth and that of the Solaras. I thought of how many
? hidden turns money takes before becoming high salaries and lavish fees. I
? remembered the boys from the neighborhood who were paid by the day unloading
? smuggled goods, cutting trees in the parks, working at the construction
? sites. I thought of Antonio, Pasquale, Enzo. Ever since they were boys they
? had been scrambling for a few lire here, a few there to survive. Engineers,
? architects, lawyers, banks were another thing, but their money came, if
? through a thousand filters, from the same shady business, the same
? destruction, a few crumbs had even mutated into tips for my father and had
? contributed to allowing me an education. What therefore was the threshold
? beyond which bad money became good and vice versa? How clean was the money
? that Eleonora had heedlessly spent in the heat of a Florentine day; and the
? checks with which the gifts that I was taking home had been bought, how
? different were they from those with which Michele paid Lila for her work? All
? afternoon, the girls and I paraded in front of the mirror in the clothes we
? had been given as presents. They were nice things, pretty and cheerful. There
? was a pale red, forties-style dress that looked especially good on me, I
? would have liked Nino to see me in it.
但是，薩拉托雷全家回那不勒斯去了，離開前，我們沒能再次碰面。但時間并不像我想象的那么難熬，相反卻很愉快地過去了。尼諾會再回來的，這一點可以肯定，他會和我談?wù)撐覍懙臇|西。為了避免發(fā)生不必要的爭執(zhí)，我給彼得羅的寫字臺上也放了一份自己的作品。我確信自己寫得不錯，我給馬麗婭羅莎打電話，用一種自信、愉悅的語氣跟她說，我把之前跟她談到的那些東西整理出來了。她讓我馬上發(fā)給她。在幾天之后，她就打電話給我了，她非常熱情地問我，她能不能把我寫的那些東西翻譯成法語，發(fā)給一個在南泰爾的朋友，這個法國朋友擁有一家小出版社。我很高興地答應(yīng)了，但事情并沒有就此結(jié)束。幾個小時之后，我婆婆給我打了電話，她用一種假裝的慍怒對我說：
But the Sarratore family returned to
? Naples without our having a chance to see them again. Unpredictably, time
? didn’t collapse; rather, it began to flow lightly. Nino would return, that
? was certain. And he would talk about my writing. To avoid unnecessary
? friction I put a copy of my work on Pietro’s desk. Then I called Mariarosa
? with the pleasant certainty that I had worked well and told her I had managed
? to put in order that tangle I had talked to her about. She wanted me to send
? it immediately. A few days later she called me excitedly, asked if she could
? translate it herself into French and send it to a friend of hers in Nanterre
? who had a small publishing house. I agreed enthusiastically, but it didn’t
? end there. A few hours later my mother-*-law called pretending to be
? offended.
“現(xiàn)在你寫了東西會讓馬麗婭羅莎看，反倒不給我看了，這是怎么回事？”
“How is it that now you give what you
? write to Mariarosa and not to me?”
“我擔(dān)心你對這些東西不感興趣，我就寫了七十多頁，不是小說，我自己都不知道是什么?！?/p>
“I’m afraid it wouldn’t interest you.
? It’s just seventy pages, it’s not a novel, I don’t even know what it is.”
“當(dāng)你不知道自己寫了什么，那就意味著，你寫得不錯，無論如何，你要讓我決定，我是不是感興趣?！?/p>
“When you don’t know what you’ve written
? it means you’ve worked well. And anyway let me decide if it interests me or
? not.”
我給她也發(fā)去了一份，我并沒有把這件事兒放在心上。正好就是我把那份稿子發(fā)出去的那天，在中午的時候，尼諾出乎預(yù)料地從火車站給我打電話，說他已經(jīng)到了佛羅倫薩。
I sent her a copy. I did it almost
? casually. The same morning Nino, around midday, called me by surprise from
? the station, he had just arrived in Florence.
“我過半個小時，就能到你那兒，我放下行李，然后去圖書館。”
“I’ll be at your house in half an hour,
? I’ll leave my bag and go to the library.”
“你不吃點兒東西嗎？”我故作自然地問他。在經(jīng)過那么漫長的歷程之后，我們走到這一步，他來我家里住，我感覺很正常。在他洗澡的時候，我給他弄了點兒吃的，然后我們一起吃飯——我、他還有我的兩個女兒，這時候，彼得羅在大學(xué)給學(xué)生考試。
“You won’t eat something?” I asked with
? naturalness. It seemed to me normal that he—arriving after a long
? journey—should come to sleep at my house, that I should prepare something for
? him to eat while he took a shower in my bathroom, that we should have lunch
? together, he and I and the children, while Pietro was giving exams at the
? university.
-*-
107
尼諾足足待了十天。這期間我的狀態(tài)和我之前有一段時間，狂熱地想吸引男人的狀態(tài)全然不同。我不和他開玩笑，我沒有嗲聲嗲氣和他說話；我沒有對他表現(xiàn)出任何殷勤討好的態(tài)度；我沒有像我大姑子那樣，扮演一個解放的新女性；我沒有對他有所暗示；我沒有用含情脈脈的目光注視他；我沒有在他坐在桌前，沙發(fā)上，或者電視前時，靠著他坐下。我沒有衣冠不整地出現(xiàn)在家里；我沒有創(chuàng)造機(jī)會單獨和他在一起；我沒有用胳膊肘碰著他的胳膊肘，手臂碰到他的手臂，腿碰到腿，或者和他碰個滿懷。我當(dāng)時很害羞，很克制，話很少，照顧他吃好，不讓兩個孩子吵到他，讓他覺得自在。我不是故意這么做的，因為我不可能表現(xiàn)出別的樣子。他和彼得羅、黛黛，還有艾爾莎經(jīng)常開玩笑，但他一轉(zhuǎn)向我，就會變得非常嚴(yán)肅，好像在斟詞酌句，就好像我們之間沒有那么多年的交情，所以我對他也很嚴(yán)肅。我很高興能在家里接待他，但我感覺，我沒有任何必要做出親昵的動作和語氣。事情正好相反，我喜歡站得遠(yuǎn)遠(yuǎn)的，避免和他直接接觸。我覺得自己就像一張蜘蛛網(wǎng)上的雨滴，我很小心，避免自己滑落。
Nino stayed for ten days. Nothing of what
? happened in that time had anything to do with the yearning for seduction I
? had experienced years earlier. I didn’t joke with him; I didn’t act
? flirtatious; I didn’t assail him with all sorts of favors; I didn’t play the
? part of the liberated woman, modeling myself on my sister-*-law; I didn’t
? tenderly seek his gaze; I didn’t contrive to sit next to him at the table or
? on the couch, in front of the television; I didn’t go around the house
? half-dressed; I didn’t try to be alone with him; I didn’t graze his elbow
? with mine, his arm with my arm or breast, his leg with my leg. I was timid,
? restrained, spoke concisely, making sure only that he ate well, that the
? girls didn’t bother him, that he felt comfortable. And it wasn’t a choice, I
? couldn’t have behaved differently. He joked a lot with Pietro, with Dede,
? with Elsa, but as soon as he spoke to me he became serious, he seemed to
? measure his words as if there were not an old friendship between us. And it
? seemed right to me to do the same. I was very happy to have him in the house,
? and yet I felt no need for confidential tones and gestures; in fact, I liked
? staying on the edge and avoiding contact between us. I felt like a drop of
? rain in a spiderweb, and I was careful not to slide down.
我們只深談過一次，是圍繞著我的那篇稿子。他剛到家里時，馬上就和我說起了我的手稿，說得非常深入，分析很敏銳。尤其是，伊始和伊始阿的那段讓他印象很深。他問我：“對于你來說，在圣經(jīng)故事里，女人來自于男人，是來自男人本身？”我說，夏娃不能獨立存在，也不知道如何獨立，她在亞當(dāng)之外，沒有自己存在的支撐。她的好和壞，都是亞當(dāng)說了算，夏娃是亞當(dāng)女性的一面。上帝的創(chuàng)造是這么完美，她不知道自己是什么，她的外形是可以塑造的，她不擁有自己的語言，她沒有自己的精神和邏輯，她隨時都會變形。“這是非?？膳碌奶幘??！蹦嶂Z評論說。我非常不安，我用余光瞄著他，想知道他是不是在和我開玩笑。沒有，他不是在開玩笑，正好相反，他一點兒諷刺或開玩笑的意思都沒有。他提到了幾本我不知道的書，討論的都是相關(guān)內(nèi)容。他又一次強(qiáng)調(diào)說，那篇稿子可以出版。我聽他說著這些，并沒有表現(xiàn)得心滿意足，最后我只是說：“這篇稿子，馬麗婭羅莎也很喜歡?！边@時，他問了我大姑子的情況，他贊揚(yáng)了馬麗婭羅莎，無論是從學(xué)者的角度，還是她對弗朗科的照顧，說完他就去圖書館了。
We had a single long exchange, focused
? entirely on my writing. He spoke about it immediately, upon arriving, with
? precision and acuteness. He had been struck by the story of Ish and Isha’h,
? he questioned me, he asked: for you, the woman, in the Biblical story, is no
? different from the man, is the man himself? Yes, I said. Eve can’t, doesn’t
? know how, doesn’t have the material to be Eve outside of Adam. Her evil and
? her good are evil and good according to Adam. Eve is Adam as a woman. And the
? divine work was so successful that she herself, in herself, doesn’t know what
? she is, she has pliable features, she doesn’t possess her own language, she
? doesn’t have a spirit or a logic of her own, she loses her shape easily. A
? terrible condition, Nino commented, and I nervously looked at him out of the
? corner of my eye to see if he was making fun of me. No, he wasn’t. Rather, he
? praised me without the slightest sarcasm, he cited some books I didn’t know
? on relevant subjects, he repeated that he considered the work ready to be
? published. I listened without showing any satisfaction, I said only, at the
? end: Mariarosa also liked it. Then he asked about my sister-*-law, he spoke
? well of her both as a scholar and for her devotion to Franco, and went off to
? the library.
除了那次之外，我們都沒有深談。他每天早上和彼得羅一起出去，晚上比他晚回來。有很少的幾次，我們所有人一起出去。比如有一次他帶我們?nèi)ル娪霸海匆粓鰧ｉT給兒童看的電影。尼諾坐在彼得羅旁邊，我坐在兩個女兒的中間。當(dāng)我意識到，他笑時我也會笑起來，但我馬上就停止笑。中間休息時，他想給黛黛、艾爾莎，當(dāng)然還有我們幾個大人買冰淇淋，我柔聲責(zé)怪了他。我說，我不要，謝謝。他開了幾句玩笑，說冰淇淋很美味，我不吃，那是我的損失，他讓我嘗一點，我就嘗了?？傊?，都是一些很細(xì)小的事情。有一天下午，我們在散步，我、他、黛黛，還有艾爾莎。我們談到了很多問題，尼諾一直在和兩個孩子說話，但我們走的路線讓我印象非常深刻，到現(xiàn)在我還能指出我們當(dāng)時走過的每條街道，停留過的每個角落。天氣很炎熱，城里的人很多。他不停地和別人打招呼，有人對他用尊稱，他向他的朋友介紹我，用了很多溢美之詞。讓我驚異的是他的名氣，有那么多人認(rèn)識他。有一個非常有名的歷史學(xué)家贊揚(yáng)了我的兩個女兒，就好像她們是我和尼諾生的。沒發(fā)生什么特別的事兒，除了忽然間，因為無法解釋的原因，他和彼得羅的關(guān)系發(fā)生了變化。
Otherwise he left every morning with
? Pietro and returned at night after him. On very rare occasions we all went
? out together. Once, for example, he wanted to take us to the movies to see a
? comedy chosen just for the girls. Nino sat next to Pietro, I between my
? daughters. When I realized that I was laughing hard as soon as he laughed, I
? stopped laughing completely. I scolded him mildly because during the
? intermission he wanted to buy ice cream for Dede, Elsa, and naturally for the
? adults, too. For me no, I said, thank you. He joked a little, said that the
? ice cream was good and I didn’t know what I was missing, he offered me a
? taste, I tasted. Small things, in other words. One afternoon we took a long
? walk, Dede, Elsa, he and I. We didn’t say much, Nino let the children talk.
? But the walk made a deep impression, I could point out every street, the
? places where we stopped, every corner. It was hot, the city was crowded. He
? constantly greeted people, some called to him by his last name, I was
? introduced to this person and that, with exaggerated praise. I was struck by
? his notoriety. One man, a well-known historian, complimented him on the
? children, as if they were our children. Nothing else happened, apart from a
? sudden, inexplicable change in the relations between him and Pietro.
-*-
108
一切都是從一天晚飯時他們的一場對話開始的。彼得羅用欣賞的語氣跟尼諾談到了一位那不勒斯教授，一個當(dāng)時備受矚目的人物。這時候，尼諾說：“我都敢打賭，你喜歡那混蛋?！蔽艺煞蛴行┦Т?，他的微笑有些迷茫，但尼諾加重了語氣，他繼續(xù)取笑我丈夫說，他太容易被表象欺騙了。這種情況仍在持續(xù)，第二天早餐時還發(fā)生了一件令人不快的事。我不記得事情是怎么開始的，尼諾又提到了我和宗教老師之間因為圣靈問題發(fā)生的沖突。彼得羅并不知道這件事情，他表示想知道。尼諾這時候不是對他，而是對著兩個小姑娘講起了她們的媽媽小時候的豐功偉績。
It all began one evening at dinner.
? Pietro spoke to him with admiration of a professor from Naples, at the time
? quite respected, and Nino said: I would have bet that you liked that asshole.
? My husband was disoriented, he gave an uncertain smile, but Nino piled it on,
? making fun of him for how easily he had let himself be deceived by
? appearances. The next morning after breakfast there was another incident. I
? don’t remember in relation to what, Nino referred to my old clash with the
? religion professor about the Holy Spirit. Pietro, who didn’t know about that
? episode, wanted to know, and Nino, addressing not him but the girls,
? immediately began to tell the story as if it were some grandiose undertaking
? of their mother as a child.
我丈夫表揚(yáng)了我，說：“你當(dāng)時真勇敢?！钡麑祺旖忉尅捎玫恼Z氣，就像電視上有人在胡說八道，他感覺有必要向女兒說清楚事情的真相——他跟我們的女兒講了十二使徒的故事，還有五旬節(jié)那天早上發(fā)生的事兒：像風(fēng)一樣的聲音，像火一樣蔓延，讓世界上所有人——說任何語言的人都明白了。這時候，我丈夫非常投入地對我和尼諾談到了那些染了病的使徒，他提到了先知約珥說的話：“我會把我的精神傳遞到所有肉體上”。他說，圣靈是一個必不可少的象征，讓我們可以反思，那些不同的東西如何對照，找到共同點。尼諾一直讓我丈夫往下說，但是他臉上的表情越來越諷刺。最后，他感嘆了一句：“我都敢打賭說，你心里藏著一個神父。”他打趣地對我說：“你是他的妻子，還是他的圣母？”彼得羅臉紅了，他有些不知所措。彼得羅一直都喜歡談?wù)撟诮虇栴}，我覺得他有些難受，最后他說：“對不起，我浪費了你們的時間，我們?nèi)ド习喟伞！?/p>
My husband praised me, he said: You were
? very courageous. But then he explained to Dede, in the tone he took when
? stupid things were being said on television and he felt it his duty to
? explain to his daughter how matters really stood, what had happened to the
? twelve apostles on the morning of Pentecost: a noise as of wind, flames like
? fire, the gift of being understood by anyone, in any language. Then he turned
? to me and Nino speaking with passion of the virtus that had pervaded the
? disciples, and he quoted the prophet Joel, I will spread my spirit over every
? flesh, adding that the Holy Spirit was an indispensable symbol for reflecting
? on how the multitudes find a way of confronting each other and organizing
? into a community. Nino let him speak, but with an increasingly ironic
? expression. At the end he exclaimed: I bet there’s a priest hiding in you.
? And to me, in amusement: Are you a wife or a priest’s housekeeper? Pietro
? turned red, he was confused. He had always loved those subjects, I felt that
? he was upset. He stammered: I’m sorry, I’m wasting your time, let’s go to
? work.
類似這樣的時刻越來越多了，并沒有一個特別明顯的原因。我和尼諾之間保持原樣，非常注意禮貌、很客氣也很疏遠(yuǎn)，但他和彼得羅之間突破了防線。就像早餐時那樣，在吃晚飯時，客人對家里的男主人越來越不恭敬了，幾乎到了冒犯的地步，就是那種表面上很友好，但實際上讓你很屈辱的做法，他嘴上掛著一抹微笑，讓你沒有辦法反抗，否則會顯得很小氣。那是我熟悉的語氣，就是在我們城區(qū)里那些聰明人用在笨人身上的口吻，讓他們屈服，讓他們無話可說，成為大家取笑的對象。彼得羅很不適應(yīng)，他覺得很困惑：他和尼諾在一起感覺很好，他欣賞尼諾，因此他沒做出反抗。他搖了搖頭，裝出一副開玩笑的樣子，有時候他好像在問：我到底做錯了什么。他希望他們之間能恢復(fù)到之前的樣子，用那種溫和投契的語氣說話。但尼諾還是不動聲色，堅持自己的方式，話的分量越來越重，他轉(zhuǎn)向我，轉(zhuǎn)向兩個孩子，想獲取我們的認(rèn)同。這時候，兩個孩子會笑著點頭，有時候我也會。但我想：他為什么要這么做，假如彼得羅生氣，那他們的關(guān)系就毀了。彼得羅沒有生氣，他只是不明白，但一天天地，尼諾越來越惹他心煩，他的臉色看起來很疲憊，那些年刻苦學(xué)習(xí)的痕跡又出現(xiàn)了，他滿眼憂慮，眉頭緊皺。我想，我應(yīng)該采取行動，要馬上采取行動，但我什么都沒有做，正好相反，我很難抑制我對尼諾的欣賞，還有內(nèi)心的亢奮——是的，是亢奮。我看到、聽到艾羅塔家的人——非常有文化的彼得羅，正在失去自己的領(lǐng)地，他變得迷惘。他在用一些軟綿綿的話，來應(yīng)對尼諾那些輕快、精彩，甚至有些殘忍的抨擊，而尼諾·薩拉托雷是我的朋友、我的同學(xué)，像我一樣，一個出生在那不勒斯老城區(qū)的人。
Such moments increased and for no obvious
? reason. While relations between Nino and me remained the same, attentive to
? form, courteous and distant, between him and Pietro the dikes broke. At both
? breakfast and dinner, the guest began to speak to the host in a crescendo of
? mocking remarks, just bordering on the offensive, humiliating but expressed
? in a friendly way, offered with a smile, so that you couldn’t object without
? seeming petulant. I recognized that tone; in the neighborhood the swifter
? party often used it to dominate the slower one and push him wordlessly into
? the middle of the joke. Mainly, Pietro appeared disoriented: he liked Nino,
? he appreciated him, and so he didn’t react, he shook his head, pretending to
? be amused, while at times he seemed to wonder where he had gone wrong and
? waited for him to return to the old, affectionate tone. But Nino continued,
? implacable. He turned to me, to the children, he exaggerated in order to
? receive our approval. And the girls approved, laughing, and I, too, a little.
? Yet I thought: Why is he acting like this, if Pietro gets mad their relations
? will be ruined. But Pietro didn’t get mad, he simply didn’t understand, and
? as the days passed his old nervousness returned. His face was tired, the
? strain of those years reappeared in his worried eyes and his lined forehead.
? I have to do something, I thought, and as soon as possible. But I did
? nothing; rather, I struggled to expel not the admiration, but the
? excitement—maybe yes, it was excitement—that gripped me in seeing, in
? hearing, how an Airota, an extremely well-educated Airota, lost ground, was
? confused, responded feebly to the swift, brilliant, even cruel aggressions of
? Nino Sarratore, my schoolmate, my friend, born in the neighborhood, like me.
-*-
109
在尼諾回那不勒斯的前幾天，發(fā)生了兩件尤其讓人不舒服的事兒。有一天下午，阿黛爾給我打了電話，她對我寫的東西非常滿意。她讓我馬上把手稿發(fā)給出版社，他們可以加緊做一個小冊子，和法語版本同時出版，假如不能同時出版，前后出版也可以。在晚餐時，我談到了這件事情，尼諾恭維了我，說了很多贊美的話。他對兩個孩子說：
A few days before he returned to Naples,
? there were two especially unpleasant episodes. One afternoon Adele
? telephoned; she, too, was very pleased with my work. She told me to send the
? manuscript right away to the publisher—they could make a small volume to
? publish simultaneously with the publication in France or, if it couldn’t be
? done in time, right afterward. I spoke of it at dinner in a tone of
? detachment and Nino was full of compliments, he said to the girls:
“你們有一個非常棒的媽媽?！比缓笏麊柋说昧_：
“You have an exceptional mamma.” Then he
? turned to Pietro: “Have you read it?”
“你看了嗎？”
“I haven’t had time.”
“我沒時間看?！?/p>
“Better for you not to read it.”
“你最好不要看了?！?/p>
“Why?”
“為什么？”
“It’s not stuff for you.”
“那不是你看的東西?！?/p>
“That is?”
“也就是說？”
“It’s too intelligent.”
“太過于犀利了?！?/p>
“What do you mean?”
“你什么意思？”
“That you’re less intelligent than
? Elena.”
“你沒有埃萊娜聰明?！?/p>
And he laughed. Pietro said nothing, Nino
? pressed him:
他笑了，彼得羅什么話都沒有說。尼諾還在刺激他：
“Are you offended?”
“你生氣了？”
He wanted him to react, in order to
? humiliate him again. But Pietro got up from the table, he said:
他還想繼續(xù)羞辱彼得羅，但彼得羅從飯桌前站了起來。他說：
“Excuse me, I have work to do.”
“對不起，我要工作?！?/p>
I murmured:
我嘟囔了一句：
“Finish eating.”
“吃完飯再去吧。”
He didn’t answer. We were eating in the
? living room, it was a big room. For a few seconds it seemed that he wished to
? cross it and go to his study. Instead he made a half turn, sat down on the
? couch, and turned on the television, raising the volume. The atmosphere was
? intolerable. In the space of a few days it had all become complicated. I felt
? very unhappy.
他不回答。我們在客廳里吃飯，客廳很大。剛開始，他好像真要穿過客廳，把自己關(guān)在書房里。但他轉(zhuǎn)了一圈，最后坐在了沙發(fā)上，把電視打開了，聲音開得很大。當(dāng)時的氣氛讓人難以忍受，在短短幾天時間里，一切都變得非常復(fù)雜，我感覺很不開心。
“Lower it a bit?” I asked him.
“你能不能把聲音放小一點兒？”我對他說。
He answered simply:
他簡潔明了地回答說：
“No.”
“不?！?/p>
Nino gave a little laugh, finished
? eating, helped me clear. In the kitchen I said to him:
尼諾笑了一下，他吃完飯，幫著我收拾桌子。
“Excuse him, Pietro works a lot and
? doesn’t sleep much.”
在廚房里，我對他說：
He answered with a burst of rage:
“別生他的氣，彼得羅工作很多，他睡得很少?！?/p>
“How can you stand him?”
他忽然氣憤地對我說：
I looked at the door in alarm, luckily
? the volume of the television was still loud.
“你怎么能受得了他?！?/p>
“I love him,” I answered. And since he
? insisted on helping me wash the dishes I added: “Go, please, otherwise you’re
? in the way.”
我很警惕地看著門口，還好電視聲音很大，沒人聽到我們。
The other episode was even uglier, but
? decisive. I no longer knew what I truly wanted: now I hoped that this period
? would be over quickly, I wished to return to familiar habits, watch over my
? little book. Yet I liked going into Nino’s room in the morning, tidying up
? the mess he left, making the bed, thinking as I cooked that he would have
? dinner with us that evening. And it distressed me that it was all about to
? end. At certain hours of the afternoon I felt mad. I had the impression that
? the house was empty in spite of the girls, I myself was emptied, I felt no
? interest in what I had written, I perceived its superficiality, I lost faith
? in the enthusiasm of Mariarosa, of Adele, of the French publisher, the
? Italian. I thought: As soon as he goes, nothing will make sense.
“我愛他?！蔽一卮鹫f。他堅持要幫我洗盤子，我說：“你去吧，拜托了，別給我添亂了?！?/p>
I was in that state—life was slipping
? away with an unbearable sensation of loss—when Pietro returned from the
? university with a grim look. We were waiting for him for dinner, Nino had
? been back for half an hour but had immediately been kidnapped by the children.
? I asked him kindly:
另一件事情要更糟糕，也是決定性的。我不知道，我自己到底想要什么：我已經(jīng)開始希望那個階段盡快結(jié)束，我想回到之前的日常生活，完成我的小書。但同時，我喜歡早上進(jìn)入到尼諾的房間里，把他弄亂的房間收拾整潔，給他鋪好床，做飯的時候，想著他晚上會和我們一起吃飯，但同時我又擔(dān)憂，所有一切正在結(jié)束。在下午有些時刻，我覺得自己像一個瘋子，盡管兩個孩子都在家，我覺得家里空蕩蕩的。我感覺很空虛，我對自己寫的東西失去了興趣，我覺得那些東西很浮淺，我對馬麗婭羅莎、阿黛爾的熱情，還有法國和意大利的出版社失去了信心。我想，尼諾離開之后，所有這一切都失去了意義。我當(dāng)時就處于那種狀態(tài)：生命在流逝，我無法忍受那種失去的感覺。彼得羅從大學(xué)回來，比平時更加陰郁。我們都等著他吃晚飯，尼諾比他早回來半個小時，馬上就被兩個孩子纏住了。我很溫和地問我的丈夫：
“Did something happen?”
“發(fā)生了什么事兒？”
He muttered:
他脫口而出：“你再也不要讓你娘家的那些人來家里?！?/p>
“Don’t ever again bring to this house
? people from your home.”
我一下子僵住了，我想，他可能指的是尼諾。這時候，尼諾也探進(jìn)頭來，他身后跟著黛黛和艾爾莎，他應(yīng)該也覺得彼得羅指的是他，他臉上浮現(xiàn)出一個挑釁的微笑，就好像在等著彼得羅爆發(fā)。但彼得羅說的是其他事情，他用那種非常鄙夷的語氣——通常他確信，已經(jīng)涉及一些需要捍衛(wèi)的基本原則時，他會采用的語氣：
I froze, I thought he was referring to
? Nino. And Nino, too, who had come in trailed by Dede and Elsa, must have
? thought the same thing, because he looked at him with a provocative smile, as
? if he expected a scene. But Pietro had something else in mind. He said in his
? contemptuous tone, the tone he used well when he was convinced that basic
? principles were at stake and he was called to defend them:
“今天警察又來找我了，他們給我看了幾張照片，給我說了他們要找的人的名字。”
“Today the police returned and they named
? some names, they showed me some photographs.”
我深深舒了一口氣。我知道，對那個用槍指著他的學(xué)生，他沒有收回指控，這使得學(xué)生和老師當(dāng)中有更多的積極分子都鄙視他，警察的到訪會讓他們斷定：彼得羅是個告密者。我確信，他是因為這個才變得心情很壞。我打斷了他，埋怨他說：
I breathed a sigh of relief. I knew that,
? after he refused to withdraw the charges against the student who had pointed
? a gun at him, the visits of the police—even more than the scorn of many
? militant youths and not a few professors—weighed on him, as they treated him
? as an informer. I was sure that was why he was angry and I interrupted him,
? bitterly:
“這是你的錯，你不應(yīng)該那么做，我已經(jīng)跟你說過了?，F(xiàn)在，你沒法擺脫這些警察了?！?/p>
“Your fault. You shouldn’t have acted
? like that, I told you. Now you’ll never get rid of them.”
尼諾插了一句，用很不客氣的語氣問彼得羅：
Nino intervened, he asked Pietro,
? mockingly:
“你把誰告發(fā)了？”
“Who did you report?”
彼得羅沒有回頭看他，他是生我的氣，他想和我吵架。他對我說：
Pietro didn’t even turn to look at him.
? He was angry with me, it was with me he wanted to quarrel. He said:
“我已經(jīng)盡力了，我今天不得不那么做。我什么話都沒有說，因為中間涉及你?！?/p>
“I did what was necessary then and I
? should have done what was necessary today. But I was silent because you were
? in the middle of it.”
這時候，我明白問題不在警察身上，而是他們說的話。我嘟囔了一句：
At that point I realized that the problem
? was not the police but what he had learned from them. I said:
“這跟我有什么關(guān)系？”
“What do I have to do with it?”
他的聲音變了：
His voice changed:
“帕斯卡萊和娜迪雅難道不是你朋友嗎？”
“Aren’t Pasquale and Nadia your friends?”
我很迷惑地重復(fù)了一句：
I repeated obtusely:
“帕斯卡萊和娜迪雅？”
“Pasquale and Nadia?”
“警察給我看的那些恐怖分子的照片，里面就有他們?！?/p>
“The police showed me photographs of
? terrorists and they were among them.”
我啞口無言，也說不出話來。所以，我當(dāng)時想象的事情是真的，彼得羅的話確認(rèn)了這一點。我的眼前閃過了帕斯卡萊用槍指著吉諾的樣子，他打斷菲利普的腿，這時候，娜迪雅——是娜迪雅而不是莉拉，她走上臺階，敲了敲布魯諾的門，進(jìn)去朝他的臉上開了槍。太可怕了！但我覺得，當(dāng)時彼得羅的語氣很不得體，就好像他要通過這個消息，說明一件我不想說的事兒，讓我在尼諾面前下不來臺。尼諾馬上就插話了，他揶揄彼得羅說：
I didn’t react, words failed. What I had
? imagined was true, then; Pietro in fact was confirming it. For a few seconds
? the images returned, of Pasquale firing the gun at Gino, kneecapping Filippo,
? while Nadia—Nadia, not Lila—went up the stairs, knocked on Bruno’s door, went
? in and shot him in the face. Terrible. And yet at that moment Pietro’s tone
? seemed out of place, as if he were using the information to make trouble for
? me in Nino’s eyes, to start a discussion that I had no wish to have. In fact
? Nino immediately interrupted again, continuing to make fun of him:
“這樣看來，你真是警察的眼線？你居然干這個？你揭發(fā)那些人？你父親知道這事兒嗎？你母親呢？你姐姐呢？”
“So are you an informer for the police?
? What are you doing? Informing on comrades? Does your father know? Your
? mother? Your sister?”
我很無力地說了一句：“我們吃飯吧。”我馬上對尼諾說：“別這樣說，什么眼線！”我用一種客氣的方式，也是為了避免他繼續(xù)提到彼得羅的家庭出身以便刺激他。然后，我有些凌亂地對尼諾說，帕斯卡萊·佩盧索來找我了，我不知道他還記不記得，就是我們城區(qū)的一個小伙子，一個好小伙子。因為各種機(jī)緣，帕斯卡萊和娜迪雅走在一起了，他一定會記得娜迪雅，是加利亞尼老師的女兒，就是她。這時候，我停了下來，因為尼諾開始笑了起來。他感嘆說：“娜迪雅，我的天哪，娜迪雅！”他轉(zhuǎn)向了彼得羅，還是用那種譏諷的語氣說：“只有你和那些遲鈍的警察，會覺得娜迪雅·加利亞尼是武裝斗爭隊伍里的人，真是太瘋狂了。娜迪雅是我認(rèn)識的最好心、最熱情的人，意大利是怎么啦，我們?nèi)コ燥埌伞，F(xiàn)在，對既定秩序的維持，離開你，也沒什么大不了的。”然后，他叫黛黛和艾爾莎一起去飯桌邊，我開始布置飯菜，確信彼得羅隨后會來吃飯。
I said weakly: Let’s go and eat. But
? right afterward I said to Nino, politely making light of it, and to get him
? to stop goading Pietro by bringing up his family: Stop it, what do you mean,
? informer. Then I alluded vaguely to the fact that some time ago Pasquale
? Peluso, maybe he remembered him, from the neighborhood, a good kid who had
? ended up getting together with Nadia, he remembered her, naturally, Professor
? Galiani’s daughter. And there I stopped because Nino was already laughing. He
? exclaimed: Nadia, oh good Lord, Nadia, and he turned again to Pietro, even
? more mockingly: only you and a couple of idiot police could think that Nadia
? Galiani is part of the armed struggle, it’s madness. Nadia, the best and
? nicest person I’ve ever known, what have we come to in Italy, let’s go and
? eat, come on, the defense of the established order can do without you for
? now. And he went to the table, calling Dede and Elsa, as I began to serve,
? sure that Pietro was about to join us.
但他沒有出現(xiàn)，我想他可能去洗手了，他在拖延，因為他想平靜下來。我坐在我的位子上，很激動，我希望能有一個安靜祥和的夜晚，能順利結(jié)束我們共同生活的這些天。但直到兩個孩子已經(jīng)吃完了，他還都沒出來。這時候，尼諾也顯得很不安：
But he didn’t. I thought he had gone to
? wash his hands, that he was delaying in order to calm down, and I sat in my
? place. I was agitated, I would have liked a nice calm evening, a quiet ending
? to that shared life. But he didn’t come, the children were already eating.
? Now even Nino seemed bewildered.
“吃飯吧，”我說，“要不然飯就涼了?！?/p>
“Start,” I said, “it’s getting cold.”
“你開始吃，我才吃。”
“Only if you eat, too.”
我有些猶豫，也許我應(yīng)該去看看我丈夫，看看他在做什么，看看他是否平靜下來了。但我不想去，他的表現(xiàn)讓我很心煩。通常，他都不說這些事兒，為什么他不把警察到訪的事藏在心里。他自己的事情從來都不對我講。為什么他當(dāng)著尼諾的面，要對我說出那樣的話：你再也不要讓你娘家的那些人來家里。他為什么急著把這件事情提出來，他可以等等，他可以在晚些時候，在我們關(guān)上房門時，再發(fā)泄出來。他生我的氣，這是問題所在。他想破壞這個夜晚，他對于我所做的，我想要的根本就不在乎。
I hesitated. Maybe I should go and see
? how my husband was, what he was doing, if he had calmed down. But I didn’t
? want to, I was annoyed by his behavior. Why hadn’t he kept to himself that
? visit from the police, usually he did with everything of his, he never told
? me anything. Why had he spoken like that in Nino’s presence: Don’t ever again
? bring to this house people from your home. What urgency was there to make
? that subject public, he could wait, he could have an outburst later, once we
? were in the bedroom. He was angry with me, that was the point. He wanted to
? ruin the evening for me, he didn’t care what I did or what I wanted.
我開始吃飯了，我們四個人一起吃，第一道菜、第二道菜，還有我準(zhǔn)備的甜點。彼得羅一直都沒有出現(xiàn)，我變得出離憤怒。彼得羅不想吃飯嗎？好吧，那就別吃了，很明顯他肚子不餓。他是不是想自己待著？好吧，房子很大，沒他的話，氣氛就不會那么緊張。很明顯，問題并不在于，在我們家里出現(xiàn)了一次的那兩個人，恰好是武裝分子。問題在于，他沒有足夠的智慧，他沒辦法承受男性之間的那種爭斗，他覺得很痛苦，所以生我的氣。但你，還有你的猥瑣小氣，和我有什么關(guān)系。我大聲說，我待會兒收拾桌子！就好像給自己下令，為了理清頭緒。然后我打開電視，和尼諾還有兩個孩子坐在沙發(fā)上看電視。
I began to eat. The four of us ate, first
? course, second, and even the dessert I had made. Pietro didn’t appear. At
? that point I became furious. Pietro didn’t want to eat? All right, he didn’t
? have to eat, evidently he wasn’t hungry. He wanted to mind his own business?
? Very well, the house was big, without him there would be no tension. Anyway,
? now it was clear that the problem was not simply that two people who had once
? showed up at our house were suspected of being part of an armed gang. The
? problem was that he didn’t have a sufficiently quick intelligence, that he
? didn’t know how to sustain the skirmishes of men, that he suffered from it
? and was angry with me. But what do I care about you and your pettiness. I’ll
? clean up later, I said aloud, as if I were issuing an order to myself, to my
? confusion. Then I turned on the television and sat on the sofa with Nino and
? the girls.
經(jīng)過了漫長、折磨人心的一刻。我覺得尼諾有些不自在，但又覺著很有趣。黛黛說：“我去叫爸爸?！彼燥柫硕亲樱_始操心彼得羅。你去吧，我說。她是踮著腳尖回來的，她在我耳邊說：“他躺在床上，睡著了?！蹦嶂Z也聽見了，他說：
A long time passed, filled with tension.
? I felt that Nino was uneasy and yet amused. I’m going to call Papa, said
? Dede, who, with her stomach full, was now worried about Pietro. Go, I said.
? She came back almost on tiptoe, she whispered in my ear: He went to bed, he’s
? sleeping. Nino heard her anyway, he said:
“明天我就走了?！?/p>
“I’m leaving tomorrow.”
“你工作做完了？”
“Did you finish your work?”
“沒有?！?/p>
“No.”
“你留下來吧?！?/p>
“Stay a little longer.”
“我不能?！?/p>
“I can’t.”
“彼得羅是一個好人。”
“Pietro is a good person.”
“你護(hù)著他嗎？”
“You defend him?”
護(hù)著他？在誰面前，護(hù)著他？我不明白，我?guī)缀跻嶂Z的氣了。
Defend him from what, from whom? I didn’t
? understand, I was on the point of getting mad at him, too.
-*-
110
兩個孩子在電視前睡著了，我把她們放在床上。我回到客廳時，尼諾已經(jīng)不在那里了，他把自己關(guān)在房間里。我很沮喪地把桌子收拾了，洗干凈盤子。我讓他留下來，這是多么愚蠢的事兒，他還是離開的好。另一個方面，我怎么能忍受沒有他的蒼白日子，我至少要讓他在走之前答應(yīng)我他會很快回來。我希望他能再回來，住在我家里，我們早上一起吃早餐，晚上在同一張桌子前吃晚飯。他會說一些風(fēng)趣話，或輕或重。當(dāng)我想表達(dá)自己的想法時，他會在那里聽我說，無論我說什么，他都會帶著敬意聽我說，對我從來都不會用嘲諷的語氣。然而我不得不承認(rèn)，現(xiàn)在這種關(guān)系遭到了破壞，我們在一起生活變得不再可能，那是他的錯。彼得羅很依賴他，他希望能和尼諾相處，他非常在意這份友誼。但尼諾為什么要傷害他、羞辱他，讓他失去權(quán)威呢？我卸了妝，洗了臉，換上了睡衣。我把門從里面鎖上了，加上保險鏈子，把煤氣關(guān)了，把所有百葉窗都放了下來，把燈關(guān)了。我去看了一眼兩個孩子。我希望彼得羅沒假裝睡覺，沒等著和我吵架。我看了他的床頭柜，他已經(jīng)吃了鎮(zhèn)靜劑，他完全睡了過去，他讓我很心軟，我在他臉頰上親吻了一下。他真是一個難以預(yù)料的人：非常聰明，同時又很笨；很敏感，也很遲鈍；很勇敢，也很怯懦；有文化，也很無知；很有教養(yǎng)，也很粗魯，他是艾羅塔家的一個失敗者，是一個在半路上跌倒的男人。尼諾那么自信，那么決斷，他能幫助彼得羅，讓他重新振作起來、提高自己嗎？我又一次想，為什么這份友誼變成了單方面的敵意呢?，F(xiàn)在，我似乎明白了，尼諾想幫助我看清我丈夫的本來模樣。他很確信，我腦子里是一個理想化的丈夫，無論是從精神上，還是從才智上，我都依附于他。他希望能讓我看清楚：這個年輕的教授其實什么都算不上，雖然他寫出了一篇非常精彩的大學(xué)畢業(yè)論文，出版了一本備受欣賞的書，正在寫一部新書，新書出版之后，他的威望會得到進(jìn)一步鞏固和提升。最近一段時間，就好像是他一直在朝著我叫喊：你在和一個平庸的男人生活在一起，你和一個沒用的人，生了兩個女兒。他的計劃就是通過貶低我丈夫，使我得到解放，通過摧毀他，讓我回到我自己。但他這么做時，無論是有意還是無意的，他把自己作為一種標(biāo)準(zhǔn)的男性形象，展示在我眼前，他有沒有意識到這一點？
The children fell asleep in front of the
? television, I put them to bed. When I came back Nino wasn’t there, he had
? gone to his room. Depressed, I cleaned up, washed the dishes. How foolish to
? ask him to stay longer, it would be better if he left. On the other hand, how
? to endure the dreariness of life without him. I would have liked him at least
? to leave with the promise that sooner or later he would return. I wished that
? he would sleep again in my house, have breakfast with me in the morning and
? eat at the same table in the evening, that he would talk about this and that
? in his playful tone, that he would listen to me when I wanted to give shape
? to an idea, that he would be respectful of my every sentence, that with me he
? would never resort to irony, to sarcasm. Yet I had to admit that if the
? situation had so quickly deteriorated, making our living together impossible,
? it was his fault. Pietro was attached to him. It gave him pleasure to see him
? around, the friendship that had arisen was important to him. Why had Nino
? felt the need to hurt him, to humiliate him, to take away his authority? I
? took off my makeup, I washed, I put on my nightgown. I locked the house door,
? I turned off the gas, I lowered all the blinds. I checked on the children. I
? hoped that Pietro wasn’t pretending to sleep, that he wasn’t waiting for me
? in order to quarrel. I looked at his night table, he had taken a sleeping
? pill, he had collapsed. It made me feel tender toward him, I kissed him on
? the cheek. What an unpredictable person: extremely intelligent and stupid,
? sensitive and dull, courageous and cowardly, highly educated and ignorant,
? well brought up and rude. A failed Airota, he had stumbled on the path. Could
? Nino, so sure of himself, so determined, have gotten him going again, helped
? him improve? Again I asked myself why that nascent friendship had changed to
? hostility in one direction. And this time it seemed to me that I understood.
? Nino wanted to help me see my husband for what he really was. He was
? convinced that I had an idealized image that I had submitted to on both the
? emotional and the intellectual level. He had wanted to reveal to me the lack
? of substance behind this very young professor, the author of a thesis that
? had become a highly regarded book, the scholar who had been working for a
? long time on a new publication that was to secure his reputation. It was as
? if in these last days he had done nothing but scold me: You live with a dull
? man, you’ve had two children with a nobody. His project was to liberate me by
? disparaging him, restore me to myself by demolishing him. But in doing so did
? he realize that he had proposed himself, like it or not, as an alternative
? model of virility?
這個問題讓我很憤怒。尼諾太冒失了，他把我苦心經(jīng)營的平衡給打亂了。為什么他沒和我商量，就把這一切搞得亂糟糟的？是誰讓他幫我睜開眼，拯救我的？他從什么地方推測出我有這個需要呢？他想，他可以隨便改變我的婚姻生活，還有我作為母親的責(zé)任？他的目的是什么？他想得到一個什么樣的結(jié)果？我想，是他自己要想清楚，難道他對我們的友情失去興趣了嗎？現(xiàn)在快放假了，我會出發(fā)去維亞雷焦。他說，他會去卡普里島，他岳父岳母住在那里。我們應(yīng)該等到假期結(jié)束時再見面嗎？為什么呢？其實在這個夏天，我們已經(jīng)有可能加固我們兩個家庭的關(guān)系。我當(dāng)然可以打電話給尼諾的妻子，邀請她、她丈夫，還有孩子到維亞雷焦來，和我們一起待幾天。我希望他們也能邀請我、黛黛、艾爾莎和彼得羅去卡普里島，我從來都沒去過那里。假如整個夏天我們不能見面，那為什么我們不能寫信，來交換我們的想法，或者交流一些可以讀的書，談?wù)勎覀兊墓ぷ饔媱潱?/p>
That question made me angry. Nino had
? been reckless. He had thrown confusion into a situation that for me
? constituted the only possible equilibrium. Why sow disorder without even
? consulting me? Who had asked him to open my eyes, to save me? From what had
? he deduced that I needed it? Did he think he could do what he wanted with my
? life as a couple, with my responsibility as a mother? To what end? What did
? he think he was driving at? It’s he—I said to myself—who ought to clarify his
? ideas. Doesn’t our friendship interest him? The holidays are close. I’ll go
? to Viareggio, he said he’s going to Capri to his in-laws’ house. Must we wait
? until the end of the vacations to see each other again? And why? Now, during
? the summer, it would be possible to consolidate the relation between our
? families. I could telephone Eleonora, invite her, her husband, the child to
? spend a few days with us in Viareggio. And I would like to be invited, in
? turn, to Capri, where I’ve never been, with Dede, Elsa, and Pietro. But if that
? doesn’t happen, why not write each other, exchange ideas, titles of books,
? talk about our work?
我沒辦法平靜下來，尼諾不應(yīng)該那么做。假如他在乎我的話，他應(yīng)該像剛開始那樣，他應(yīng)該重新獲得彼得羅的歡喜和友誼，我丈夫不要求別的。他真的以為給我?guī)磉@種緊張的氣氛是為我好？不，不，我應(yīng)該和他談?wù)?，我要告訴他，他那么對待彼得羅是很愚蠢的。我小心翼翼地從床上下來，從房間里出去了。我光著腳，穿過了走廊，敲了敲尼諾的門。我等了一會兒，然后進(jìn)去了，房間里一片黑暗。
I couldn’t quiet myself. Nino was wrong.
? If he really was attached to me, he had to take everything back to the
? starting point. He had to regain the liking and friendship of Pietro, my
? husband asked nothing else. Did he really think he was doing me good by
? causing those tensions? No, no, I had to talk to him, tell him it was foolish
? to treat Pietro that way. I got out of bed cautiously, I left the room. I
? went down the hall barefoot, knocked on Nino’s door. I waited a moment, I
? went in. The room was dark.
“你決定了?！蔽衣犚娝f。
“You’ve decided,” I heard him say.
我吃了一驚，我沒想著要做什么決定，我只知道他說得對，我已經(jīng)決定了。我飛快地把睡衣脫掉，盡管天氣很熱，我還是躺到了他身邊。
I was startled, I didn’t ask decided
? what. I knew only that he was right, I had decided. I quickly took off my
? nightgown, I lay down beside him in spite of the heat.
-*-
111
大約凌晨四點，我回到了自己的床上。我丈夫驚了一下，在睡夢中嘟囔了一句：“發(fā)生什么事兒了？”我用堅定平穩(wěn)的語氣對他說：“睡吧。”他平靜了下來。我覺得很懵，發(fā)生的事情讓我感到幸福，但無論我怎么努力，我都沒辦法把我現(xiàn)在的處境、佛羅倫薩的這個家和剛剛發(fā)生的一切聯(lián)系起來。我感覺，發(fā)生在我和尼諾之間的一切，都是在我們城區(qū)進(jìn)行的：他的父母要搬家，梅麗娜發(fā)出痛苦的叫喊，把東西從窗子里丟出來；或者在伊斯基亞，我們一起出去散步，手拉著手；或者在米蘭，在書店的會面上，他在那個嚴(yán)厲的批評家面前捍衛(wèi)我?，F(xiàn)在發(fā)生這樣的事情，我覺得自己有些不負(fù)責(zé)任，也許很無辜，就好像作為莉拉的朋友、彼得羅的妻子、黛黛和艾爾莎的母親，我和那個一直愛著尼諾，并最終得到他的女孩或者女人，沒什么干系。我感到他的手、嘴唇的痕跡，還留在了我身體的每一個部分，那種享受的欲望久久不散。我唯一的想法是：離天亮還很遠(yuǎn)，我在這里做什么，我應(yīng)該再次回到他身邊。
I returned to my bed around four in the
? morning. My husband started, he murmured in his sleep: What’s happening? I
? said in a peremptory way: Sleep, and he became quiet. I was stunned. I was
? happy about what had happened, but no matter how great an effort I made I
? couldn’t comprehend it inside of my situation, inside of what I was in that
? house, in Florence. It seemed to me that everything between Nino and me had
? been sealed in the neighborhood, when his parents were moving and Melina was
? throwing things out the window and yelling, racked by suffering; or on
? Ischia, when we went for a walk and held hands; or the night in Milan, after
? the meeting in the bookstore, when he had defended me against the fierce
? critic. That for a while gave me a sense of irresponsibility, maybe even of
? innocence, as if the friend of Lila, the wife of Pietro, the mother of Dede
? and Elsa had nothing to do with the child-*-woman who loved Nino and finally
? had made love with him. I felt the trace of his hands and his kisses in every
? part of my body. The craving for pleasure wouldn’t be soothed, the thoughts
? were: the day is far off, what am I doing here, I’ll go back to him, again.
我漸漸平息下來了，后來忽然驚醒，我重新睜開眼睛時，房子里已經(jīng)有了天光。在這里，在我的家里，我到底干了什么？真是太愚蠢了?，F(xiàn)在，彼得羅會醒來，兩個女兒也會醒來，我應(yīng)該準(zhǔn)備好早餐。尼諾會和我們告別，他會回到那不勒斯，回到他妻子和孩子身邊，我也會變回我自己。
Then I fell asleep. I opened my eyes
? suddenly, the room was light. What had I done? Here, in my own house, how
? foolish. Now Pietro would wake up. Now the children would wake up. I had to
? make breakfast. Nino would say goodbye, he would return to Naples to his wife
? and child. I would become myself again.
我起床了，用了很長時間洗了一個澡，我把頭發(fā)吹干凈。我仔細(xì)化好妝，穿上了盛裝，就好像要出門一樣。噢，當(dāng)然了，昨天夜里，我和尼諾都發(fā)誓，我們再也不會失去彼此，我們會想方設(shè)法繼續(xù)相愛。但是我們怎么相愛，什么時候？他為什么要再來找我？我們之間能發(fā)生的事情都已經(jīng)發(fā)生了，剩下的只是麻煩。不要想了，我很用心地把早餐擺好，我想讓他對于住在這兒的時光、這所房子和日常器物，以及我留下一個好的印象。
I got up, took a long shower, dried my
? hair, carefully put on my makeup, chose a nice dress, as if I were going out.
? Oh, of course, Nino and I had sworn in the middle of the night that we would
? never lose each other, that we would find a way to continue to love each
? other. But how, and when? Why should he have to look for me again? Everything
? that could happen between us had happened, the rest was only complications.
? Enough, I set the table carefully for breakfast. I wanted to leave him with a
? beautiful image of that permanence, the house, the customary objects, me.
彼得羅頭發(fā)凌亂地出現(xiàn)了，身上穿著睡衣。
Pietro appeared disheveled, in his
? pajamas.
“你要去哪兒？”
“Where are you going?”
“不去哪兒。”
“Nowhere.”
他有些不安地看著我，我從來沒有在一大早上起來，就打扮得那么用心：
He looked at me in bewilderment—I never
? dressed that carefully as soon as I got up.
“你看起來很棒。”
“You look nice.”
“那也不是因為你?！?/p>
“No thanks to you.”
他走到窗子前，看著外面，嘟噥了一句：
He went to the window, looked out, then
? muttered:
“我昨天晚上很累?！?/p>
“I was very tired, last night.”
“也很不禮貌?！?/p>
“Also very rude.”
“我會向他道歉的。”
“I’ll apologize to him.”
“你應(yīng)該首先向我道歉?！?/p>
“You should apologize to me.”
“對不起。”
“I’m sorry.”
“今天他就走了。”
“He’s leaving today.”
這時候，黛黛露臉了，她光著腳，我去幫她拿拖鞋。我叫醒了艾爾莎，通常她眼睛還沒睜開，就會一個勁兒地親我，她是多么柔軟，身上的味道多么溫馨啊。我想，是的，事情已經(jīng)發(fā)生了，這件事情也可能永遠(yuǎn)都不會發(fā)生，還好發(fā)生了?，F(xiàn)在，我應(yīng)該嚴(yán)格要求自己，我會打電話給馬麗婭羅莎，問問她法國的情況；我會和阿黛爾交談，會親自去出版社，問問他們想怎么處理我的稿子，問他們是真的相信這是一本好書，還是只是順從我婆婆的意思。最后，我聽見走廊里有腳步聲，那是尼諾。他的動靜讓我心里翻江倒海，他現(xiàn)在還在，但很快就走了。我把艾爾莎纏著我的手臂打開，說：“對不起，艾爾莎，媽媽馬上回來?！蔽液芸炫荛_了。
Dede appeared, barefoot. I went to get
? her slippers and woke Elsa, who, as usual, her eyes still closed, covered me
? with kisses. What a good smell she had, how soft she was. Yes, I said to
? myself, it happened. Fortunately, it could never happen. But now I had to
? discipline myself. Telephone Mariarosa to find out about France, talk to
? Adele, go in person to the publishers to find out what they intend to do with
? my book, if they are thinking about it seriously or just want to please my
? mother-*-law. Then I heard noises in the hall. It was Nino, I was overwhelmed
? by the signs of his presence, he was here, for a short time still. I
? disentangled myself from the child’s hug, I said: sorry, Elsa, Mamma will be
? right back, and I hurried out.
尼諾滿臉困意地從房間里出來，我把他推到了洗手間，關(guān)上了房門。我們接吻了，我又一次忘記了自己身處何處，忘記了這是什么時候。我那么擅長隱藏我的情感，我對他的渴望，讓我自己也覺得很驚異。我們擁抱的那種狂熱，是我從來都沒有體驗過的，就好像我們的身體一個撞向另一個，要粉身碎骨一樣。快感就在這里：粉碎，混合，再也分不清楚什么是我的，什么是他的，這時候即使是彼得羅和兩個女兒出現(xiàn)，也不會認(rèn)出我們來。我在他嘴邊小聲說：
Nino was coming sleepily out of his room,
? I pushed him into the bathroom, I closed the door. We kissed each other,
? again I lost awareness of place and time. I was amazed at how much I wanted
? him: I was good at hiding things from myself. We embraced with a fury that I
? had never known, as if our bodies were crashing against each other with the
? intention of breaking. So pleasure was this: breaking, mixing, no longer
? knowing what was mine and what was his. Even if Pietro had appeared, if the
? children had looked in, they would have been unable to recognize us. I
? whispered in his mouth:
“留下來吧。”
“Stay longer.”
“我不能。”
“I can’t.”
“那你要回來，你發(fā)誓說，你會回來?！?/p>
“Then come back, swear you’ll come back.”
“我發(fā)誓。”
“Yes.”
“給我打電話?！?/p>
“And call me.”
“好?！?/p>
“Yes.”
“告訴我，你不會忘記我，告訴我，你不會離開我，告訴我，你愛我?！?/p>
“Tell me you won’t forget me, tell me you
? won’t leave me, tell me you love me.”
“我愛你?！?/p>
“I love you.”
“再說一遍?！?/p>
“Say it again.”
“我愛你?！?/p>
“I love you.”
“你發(fā)誓，你不是在撒謊?！?/p>
“Swear that it’s not a lie.”
“我發(fā)誓?！?/p>
“I swear.”
