你好，歡迎你的到來(lái)。我是鳳超，你身邊的高效人生教練，學(xué)好時(shí)間管理和精力管理，過(guò)超然人生！
Relationships are one of the most powerful potential sources of emotional renewal. For years, Roger had thought of Rachel as both his lover and his best friend. Now, with so little time together, the feeling of romance and intimacy seemed like a distant memory and sex had become much less frequent. Their relationship was increasingly transactional. Conversations focused largely on household logistics and negotiations—who was going to pick up the dry cleaning or the takeout dinner, which kid needed a ride to which after-school activity. They spent very little time talking with each other about what was really going on in their lives.
人際關(guān)系是情感恢復(fù)的最強(qiáng)大的動(dòng)力源之一。數(shù)年來(lái)Roger一直把 Rachel當(dāng)作愛人和最好的朋友?，F(xiàn)在因?yàn)樵谝黄鸬臅r(shí)間減少，浪漫的感覺和親密關(guān)系也逐漸遙遠(yuǎn)，性生活也大大減少。兩人的關(guān)系越來(lái)越公事公辦，談話也是主要圍繞家庭事務(wù)和條件談判——誰(shuí)去去干洗衣物或者取外賣，誰(shuí)去供孩子參加課外活動(dòng)。他們很少花時(shí)間交流生活中正在發(fā)生的事情。
我的思考My Thinking
人際關(guān)系是我的核心價(jià)值觀之一。
Relationship is one of my core values.
哈佛大學(xué)的一個(gè)75年的研究結(jié)論是，幸福人生是建立在良好的人際關(guān)系上的。
A 75-year study from Harvard Universitiy concludes, Happiness is based on Good Relationship.
主要的3個(gè)觀點(diǎn)：Three Main Learnings:
1.社會(huì)連結(jié)真的對(duì)我們有益，而孤獨(dú)卻有害。
Social connections are really good for us, and that loneliness kills.
2.起決定作用的不是你擁有的朋友的數(shù)量，不是你是否在一段穩(wěn)定的親密關(guān)系中，而是你的親密關(guān)系的質(zhì)量。
Quality of close relationships matters not quantitiy or whether to have a committed relationship.
3.良好的關(guān)系不僅只是保護(hù)我們的身體，也能保護(hù)我們的大腦。
Good relationships don't just protect our bodies, they protect our brains.
Robert Waldinger|
[What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness]
What keeps us healthy and happy as we go through life? If you were going to invest now in your future best self, where would you put your time and your energy? There was a recent survey of millennials asking them what their most important life goals were, and over 80 percent said that a major life goal for them was to get rich. And another 50 percent of those same young adults said that another major life goal was to become famous.
生命進(jìn)程中，是什么讓我們保持健康和幸福？如果你現(xiàn)在開始著手規(guī)劃未來(lái)最好的人生，你會(huì)把時(shí)間和精力花在哪里？回答有很多種，我們已經(jīng)被無(wú)以計(jì)數(shù)的有關(guān)生活中最重要事物的圖景轟炸了。媒體上充斥著那些富有、高聲望、建立起自己事業(yè)帝國(guó)的成功人士故事。并且我們對(duì)這些故事堅(jiān)信不疑。有個(gè)最新的調(diào)查詢問千禧年的年輕人，他們最重要的人生目標(biāo)有哪些。超過(guò)80%的人說(shuō)，他們主要的生活目標(biāo)是要變富有。這群年輕人中，還有50%說(shuō)他們另一個(gè)主要生活目標(biāo)是成名。
And we're constantly told to lean in to work, to push harder and achieve more. We're given the impression that these are the things that we need to go after in order to have a good life. Pictures of entire lives, of the choices that people make and how those choices work out for them, those pictures are almost impossible to get. Most of what we know about human life we know from asking people to remember the past, and as we know, hindsight is anything but 20/20. We forget vast amounts of what happens to us in life, and sometimes memory is downright creative.
我們總是被告誡要投入工作，努力奮斗，完成更多。我們似乎覺得要生活得更好，這些就是我們需要追求的?？墒聦?shí)真是這樣嗎？回顧整個(gè)生命歷程，人一生中所做的選擇以及這些選擇怎樣影響他們，我們幾乎無(wú)從得知。我們對(duì)于人生絕大多數(shù)的理解是從他人的回憶中獲得的。我們知道人是不可能有完整清楚的記憶的。我們生命中大部分發(fā)生過(guò)的事情我們都遺忘了，有時(shí)記憶太具有創(chuàng)造性（而不可靠）。
But what if we could watch entire lives as they unfold through time? What if we could study people from the time that they were teenagers all the way into old age to see what really keeps people happy and healthy?
但要是我們能夠觀察整個(gè)人生呢？要是我們能從人們青少年時(shí)期一直追蹤到老年，不斷去觀察到底什么才是真正能夠幫助人們保持幸福、健康的東西呢？
We did that. The Harvard Study of Adult Development may be the longest study of adult life that's ever been done. For 75 years, we've tracked the lives of 724 men, year after year, asking about their work, their home lives, their health, and of course asking all along the way without knowing how their life stories were going to turn out.
我們已經(jīng)做到了。哈佛成人發(fā)展研究可能是目前有關(guān)成年人生活研究中歷時(shí)最長(zhǎng)的。75年間，我們追蹤了724位男性。年復(fù)一年，我們?cè)儐査麄兊墓ぷ?、家庭生活、他們的健康狀況，當(dāng)然我們?cè)谠儐栠^(guò)程中并不知道他們的人生將會(huì)怎樣。
Studies like this are exceedingly rare. Almost all projects of this kind fall apart within a decade because too many people drop out of the study, or funding for the research dries up, or the researchers get distracted, or they die, and nobody moves the ball further down the field. But through a combination of luck and the persistence of several generations of researchers, this study has survived. About 60 of our original 724 men are still alive, still participating in the study, most of them in their 90s. And we are now beginning to study the more than 2,000 children of these men. And I'm the fourth director of the study.
這樣的研究極為稀少。幾乎所有類似的研究都在10年內(nèi)流產(chǎn)了，原因可能是失訪率太高，或者沒有足夠的經(jīng)費(fèi)支撐，或者研究者興趣點(diǎn)轉(zhuǎn)移或去世以后沒有其他人接手。但是多虧了運(yùn)氣以及幾代研究者的堅(jiān)持，這項(xiàng)研究成活下來(lái)了。 在最早的724名男性中，大約有60位還在世，并繼續(xù)參與這項(xiàng)研究，他們絕大多數(shù)都已經(jīng)超過(guò)90歲了?，F(xiàn)在我們正開始研究他們總數(shù)超過(guò)2000個(gè)的孩子們。而我是這項(xiàng)研究的第四任領(lǐng)導(dǎo)者。
Since 1938, we've tracked the lives of two groups of men. The first group started in the study when they were sophomores at Harvard College. They all finished college during World War II, and then most went off to serve in the war. And the second group that we've followed was a group of boys from Boston's poorest neighborhoods, boys who were chosen for the study specifically because they were from some of the most troubled and disadvantaged families in the Boston of the 1930s. Most lived in tenements, many without hot and cold running water.
從1938年起，我們追蹤了2組男性。第一組在加入研究時(shí)還是哈佛大學(xué)大二的學(xué)生。他們都在第二次世界大戰(zhàn)期間完成大學(xué)學(xué)業(yè)并且絕大多數(shù)畢業(yè)后去服務(wù)戰(zhàn)爭(zhēng)了。 另外一組我們追蹤的群體是波士頓最貧窮地區(qū)的男孩。正是因?yàn)樗麄儊?lái)自于20世紀(jì)30年代波士頓麻煩最多、最底層的家庭，才被選入我們的研究。多數(shù)人都住在出租屋里，許多甚至沒有熱的或冷的自來(lái)水。
When they entered the study, all of these teenagers were interviewed. They were given medical exams. We went to their homes and we interviewed their parents. And then these teenagers grew up into adults who entered all walks of life. They became factory workers and lawyers and bricklayers and doctors, one President of the United States. Some developed alcoholism. A few developed schizophrenia. Some climbed the social ladder from the bottom all the way to the very top, and some made that journey in the opposite direction.
當(dāng)他們?nèi)脒x研究之后，所有的青少年都接受面談和醫(yī)學(xué)檢查。我們?nèi)ニ麄兗依锱c他們的父母進(jìn)行訪談。 后來(lái)這群青少年長(zhǎng)大成人后進(jìn)入社會(huì)各行各業(yè)。有的成了工廠工人，成了律師、泥瓦匠、醫(yī)生，有一位成為美國(guó)總統(tǒng)，有的成了酒精成癮者，有的患上精神分裂癥，有的從社會(huì)底層一路爬升到上流社會(huì)，而一些人卻沿著相反的方向走過(guò)這段人生旅程。
The founders of this study would never in their wildest dreams have imagined that I would be standing here today, 75 years later, telling you that the study still continues. Every two years, our patient and dedicated research staff calls up our men and asks them if we can send them yet one more set of questions about their lives.
這項(xiàng)研究的發(fā)起者無(wú)論如何也不可能想到75年之后我能夠站在這里，告訴你們這項(xiàng)研究仍然在繼續(xù)。每隔兩年，我們充滿耐心和辛勤的研究人員打電話給我們的研究對(duì)象，詢問是否能夠再寄給他們一套有關(guān)他們生活的問卷。
Many of the inner city Boston men ask us, "Why do you keep wanting to study me? My life just isn't that interesting." The Harvard men never ask that question.
To get the clearest picture of these lives, we don't just send them questionnaires. We interview them in their living rooms. We get their medical records from their doctors. We draw their blood, we scan their brains, we talk to their children. We videotape them talking with their wives about their deepest concerns. And when, about a decade ago, we finally asked the wives if they would join us as members of the study, many of the women said, "You know, it's about time."
波士頓城郊的許多研究對(duì)象問我們：“你們?cè)趺纯偸遣粩嗟叵胍芯课?？我的生活沒什么意思啊?！倍鸬漠厴I(yè)生從沒問過(guò)這個(gè)問題。
為了得到他們?nèi)松钋逦漠嬅?，我們不僅僅只是寄給他們問卷。我們?cè)谒麄兊目蛷d里對(duì)他們進(jìn)行訪談。我們從他們的醫(yī)生那里獲取醫(yī)療記錄。我們獲取他們的血樣，掃描他們的大腦。我們和他們的孩子們交談。我們用攝像機(jī)記錄他們和自己的妻子談?wù)撟铍[秘的擔(dān)憂。大概十年前，我們終于詢問他們的妻子們，是否愿意作為研究對(duì)象加入我們的研究。很多女士都說(shuō)：“你知道，是時(shí)候了?！?/p>
So what have we learned? What are the lessons that come from the tens of thousands of pages of information that we've generated on these lives? Well, the lessons aren't about wealth or fame or working harder and harder. The clearest message that we get from this 75-year study is this: Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.
那么我們學(xué)到了什么？我們從這些人生活中提取出來(lái)的數(shù)千頁(yè)的信息到底教會(huì)我們什么？其實(shí)，完全無(wú)關(guān)財(cái)富、名聲或者拼命工作。我們從這項(xiàng)長(zhǎng)達(dá)75年的研究中得到的最清晰的信息是：良好的關(guān)系讓我們更快樂，更健康。就這樣！
We've learned three big lessons about relationships. The first is that social connections are really good for us, and that loneliness kills. It turns out that people who are more socially connected to family, to friends, to community, are happier, they're physically healthier, and they live longer than people who are less well connected. And the experience of loneliness turns out to be toxic. People who are more isolated than they want to be from others find that they are less happy, their health declines earlier in midlife, their brain functioning declines sooner and they live shorter lives than people who are not lonely. And the sad fact is that at any given time, more than one in five Americans will report that they're lonely.
對(duì)于關(guān)系，我們學(xué)到了三條。第一條是，社會(huì)連結(jié)真的對(duì)我們有益，而孤獨(dú)卻有害。事實(shí)證明，和家庭、朋友和周圍人群連結(jié)更緊密的人更幸福。他們身體更健康，他們也比連結(jié)不甚緊密的人活得更長(zhǎng)。而孤單的體驗(yàn)是有害的。和不孤獨(dú)的人相比，那些比自己所希望的樣子更孤單的人覺得自己更不幸福，他們到中年時(shí)健康狀況退化地更快，他們的大腦功能衰退更早，而且他們的壽命更短。令人遺憾的是，任何一個(gè)時(shí)刻，每5個(gè)美國(guó)人中就有不只1個(gè)說(shuō)自己孤獨(dú)。
And we know that you can be lonely in a crowd and you can be lonely in a marriage, so the second big lesson that we learned is that it's not just the number of friends you have, and it's not whether or not you're in a committed relationship, but it's the quality of your close relationships that matters. It turns out that living in the midst of conflict is really bad for our health. High-conflict marriages, for example, without much affection, turn out to be very bad for our health, perhaps worse than getting divorced. And living in the midst of good, warm relationships is protective.
我們知道，在人群中你也可能感到孤獨(dú)，在婚姻中你也可能感到孤獨(dú)。所以我們學(xué)到的第二條是，起決定作用的不是你擁有朋友的數(shù)量，也不是你是否有一段穩(wěn)定的親密關(guān)系，而是你的親密關(guān)系的質(zhì)量。事實(shí)證明，處于沖突之中真的對(duì)我們的健康有害。舉個(gè)例子，充滿沖突而沒有感情的婚姻，對(duì)我們的健康非常不利，甚至有可能比離婚還糟。而生活在良好、溫暖的關(guān)系中是有保護(hù)作用的。
Once we had followed our men all the way into their 80s, we wanted to look back at them at midlife and to see if we could predict who was going to grow into a happy, healthy octogenarian and who wasn't. And when we gathered together everything we knew about them at age 50, it wasn't their middle age cholesterol levels that predicted how they were going to grow old. It was how satisfied they were in their relationships. The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80. And good, close relationships seem to buffer us from some of the slings and arrows of getting old. Our most happily partnered men and women reported, in their 80s, that on the days when they had more physical pain, their mood stayed just as happy. But the people who were in unhappy relationships, on the days when they reported more physical pain, it was magnified by more emotional pain.
當(dāng)我們追蹤我們的研究對(duì)象到他們的80歲之后，我們希望回顧他們的中年生活，來(lái)看看我們是否能在那時(shí)預(yù)測(cè)誰(shuí)會(huì)享有幸福健康的晚年，誰(shuí)不會(huì)。當(dāng)我們把所有有關(guān)他們50歲的信息都整合起來(lái)之后，發(fā)現(xiàn)能夠預(yù)測(cè)他們晚年生活（是否幸福）的不是他們的中年膽固醇水平，而是他們對(duì)所在親密關(guān)系的滿意程度。50歲時(shí)對(duì)自己的親密關(guān)系最滿意的人，80歲時(shí)最健康。而良好、親密的關(guān)系似乎能緩沖我們?cè)谒ダ线^(guò)程中遇到的坎坷。 我們生活的最幸福的伴侶，無(wú)論男女，在他們80歲之后都說(shuō)，當(dāng)他們感到更多軀體疼痛時(shí)，他們的心情依然快樂。而那些處于不幸關(guān)系中的人，當(dāng)他們感受到更多軀體疼痛時(shí)，這些疼痛被增加的情感痛苦給放大了。
And the third big lesson that we learned about relationships and our health is that good relationships don't just protect our bodies, they protect our brains.
It turns out that being in a securely attached relationship to another person in your 80s is protective, that the people who are in relationships where they really feel they can count on the other person in times of need, those people's memories stay sharper longer. And the people in relationships where they feel they really can't count on the other one, those are the people who experience earlier memory decline. And those good relationships, they don't have to be smooth all the time. Some of our octogenarian couples could bicker with each other day in and day out, but as long as they felt that they could really count on the other when the going got tough, those arguments didn't take a toll on their memories.
第三條我們學(xué)到的關(guān)于關(guān)系對(duì)我們健康的影響是，良好的關(guān)系不僅只是保護(hù)我們的身體，也能保護(hù)我們的大腦。
研究表明，在80歲之后依然處在對(duì)另一個(gè)人安全依戀關(guān)系中是有保護(hù)性的。在關(guān)系中真的感到自己能在需要時(shí)可以依賴另一個(gè)人的人們，他們的保持清晰記憶力的時(shí)間更長(zhǎng)。而感到自己在關(guān)系中真的無(wú)法依賴另一個(gè)人的人群，他們將更早出現(xiàn)記憶力衰退。那些良好的關(guān)系并不一定要一直保持和諧，一些 80-89 歲老年夫婦，他們可能一天到晚都在吵架。但只要他們感到自己真的能在困難時(shí)刻可以依賴對(duì)方時(shí)，他們根本就不會(huì)記得那些爭(zhēng)吵了。
So this message, that good, close relationships are good for our health and well-being, this is wisdom that's as old as the hills. Why is this so hard to get and so easy to ignore? Well, we're human. What we'd really like is a quick fix, something we can get that'll make our lives good and keep them that way. Relationships are messy and they're complicated and the hard work of tending to family and friends, it's not sexy or glamorous. It's also lifelong. It never ends. The people in our 75-year study who were the happiest in retirement were the people who had actively worked to replace workmates with new playmates. Just like the millennials in that recent survey, many of our men when they were starting out as young adults really believed that fame and wealth and high achievement were what they needed to go after to have a good life. But over and over, over these 75 years, our study has shown that the people who fared the best were the people who leaned in to relationships, with family, with friends, with community.
所以我們學(xué)到的是，良好、親密的關(guān)系有利于我們的健康和幸福的狀態(tài)，這是古老的智慧。為什么明白這個(gè)道理這么難，忽略卻很容易呢？是啊，我們是人啊。我們真正喜歡的是快速解決方案，一種我們能得到的又能讓我們生活得好并且一直保持下去的東西。人際關(guān)系卻很錯(cuò)綜復(fù)雜，照顧家人和朋友是繁重的工作，一點(diǎn)也不性感也不光芒萬(wàn)丈，反而是終生的，絕無(wú)盡頭。
在我們的75年研究中擁有最幸福退休生活的人是那些主動(dòng)尋找玩伴來(lái)替代同事的人。正如最近調(diào)查中的年輕人一樣，我們的研究對(duì)象中很多人在一開始還是青年的時(shí)候，真的相信聲望、財(cái)富以及突出成就是他們想要生活得更好就必須追求的。但隨著時(shí)間的流逝，在這75年間，我們的研究顯示：發(fā)展得最好的人是那些把精力投入關(guān)系，尤其是家人、朋友和周圍人群的人。
So what about you? Let's say you're 25, or you're 40, or you're 60. What might leaning in to relationships even look like?
Well, the possibilities are practically endless. It might be something as simple as replacing screen time with people time or livening up a stale relationship by doing something new together, long walks or date nights, or reaching out to that family member who you haven't spoken to in years, because those all-too-common family feuds take a terrible toll on the people who hold the grudges.
那么你們呢？假如你們今年25，或者你們40，或者你們60歲。投入關(guān)系對(duì)你們來(lái)說(shuō)是什么樣的？
可能性實(shí)際上是無(wú)限的。也許是簡(jiǎn)單到把和屏幕打交道的時(shí)間來(lái)和人交往，或者通過(guò)一起做點(diǎn)什么新鮮事，比如散步或者約會(huì)，或者聯(lián)系那個(gè)多年來(lái)不曾說(shuō)過(guò)話的人，來(lái)點(diǎn)亮一段死氣沉沉的關(guān)系。因?yàn)檫@些看上去很平常的家庭不和（雞毛蒜皮）會(huì)造成嚴(yán)重后果，尤其對(duì)那些總把小別扭（怨恨）放心里的人。
I'd like to close with a quote from Mark Twain. More than a century ago, he was looking back on his life, and he wrote this: "There isn't time, so brief is life, for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to account. There is only time for loving, and but an instant, so to speak, for that."
我想用馬克吐溫的另一條名言來(lái)結(jié)束。一百多年前，當(dāng)他回顧自己的一生時(shí)，他寫下了，“生命如此短暫，我們沒有時(shí)間爭(zhēng)吵、道歉、傷心。我們只有時(shí)間去愛?！?/p>
The good life is built with good relationships. Thank you.
所以說(shuō)，幸福人生是建立在良好的人際關(guān)系上的。謝謝大家！
注：演講人羅伯特.瓦爾丁格教授是哈佛大學(xué)醫(yī)學(xué)院麻省總醫(yī)院（MGH）精神科醫(yī)師、精神分析治療師。作為著名的成人發(fā)展研究所第四任所長(zhǎng)，正在繼續(xù)其前面三任自1940年以來(lái)一直進(jìn)行的兩項(xiàng)精神醫(yī)學(xué)領(lǐng)域最負(fù)盛名的“人生全程心理健康研究”，一項(xiàng)是“哈佛精英研究”，另一項(xiàng)是“波士頓背街男孩研究”。在過(guò)去的75年里，從這兩個(gè)項(xiàng)目產(chǎn)生了大量的學(xué)術(shù)論文、書籍，許多成果影響了精神醫(yī)學(xué)、心理治療的理論與實(shí)踐。 在這個(gè)TED-X演講里，羅伯特聚焦于所有人都關(guān)心的“什么是美好人生？”這個(gè)問題，用兩個(gè)長(zhǎng)達(dá)75年的縱向隨訪研究的成果，強(qiáng)調(diào)構(gòu)成美好生活的最重要因素并非富有、成功，而是良好的心身健康及溫暖、和諧、親密的人際關(guān)系。
這兩個(gè)研究項(xiàng)目的受試?yán)铮_伯特提到，有一位后來(lái)成為美國(guó)總統(tǒng)的人。他出于醫(yī)師、科學(xué)家的倫理操守而沒有提其名，但有心人其實(shí)可以查到，1941年在哈佛讀二年級(jí)的總統(tǒng)是哪一位。除了這位大人物，還有四位參議員、四位進(jìn)過(guò)內(nèi)閣的人。
一本已經(jīng)被翻譯為中文的書——《怎樣適應(yīng)生活》。近期他出版了《Triumphs of Experience》?？赐赀@個(gè)演講覺得不過(guò)癮的人可以去讀這本書！
