32
一走到大路上，我就變得很遲疑：我是在柵欄門那里等著我父親回來跟他打聲招呼呢，還是在街上走走，看看我兩個弟弟在哪里，或者去看看我妹妹有沒有在家里？我找了一個電話亭，給埃莉莎打了電話，我領(lǐng)著兩個孩子，來到了那幢能看見維蘇威火山的大房子。我妹妹現(xiàn)在還看不出來懷孕了，但她變化很大。好像僅僅是懷孕，就讓她忽然成長起來了，也讓她有些扭曲，她的語言和語氣忽然間變得粗俗了。她面如死灰，心情很壞，好像很不愿意接待我們。在她身上，我沒有感到一點兒溫情，也沒有感到一絲她小時候?qū)ξ覒延械哪欠N帶有天真的崇拜。我提到了母親的狀態(tài)，她的語氣很霸道——我一直以為她不會這樣說話，至少是和我。她感嘆了一句：
Once on the stradone I hesitated: wait at
? the gate for my father’s return, wander the streets in search of my brothers,
? see if my sister was home? I found a telephone booth, I called Elisa, I
? dragged the girls to her big apartment, from which you could see Vesuvius. My
? sister showed no signs yet of pregnancy, and yet I found her very changed.
? The simple fact of being pregnant must have made her expand suddenly, but
? distorting her. She was as if coarsened in her body, in her words, in her
? voice. She had an ashy complexion and was so poisoned by animosity that she
? welcomed us reluctantly. Not for a moment did I find any trace of the
? affection nor the slightly childish admiration she had always had for me. And
? when I mentioned our mother’s health she took an aggressive tone that I
? wouldn’t have thought her capable of, at least with me. She exclaimed:
“萊農(nóng)，醫(yī)生說她身體好得很，是她的精神在受罪。媽媽身體很健康，身體沒事兒，都是心病。假如你沒讓她那么失望，她也不會成為現(xiàn)在這個樣子。”
“Lenù, the doctor said she’s fine, it’s
? her soul that suffers. Mamma is very healthy, she has her health, there’s
? nothing to treat except sorrow. If you hadn’t disappointed her the way you
? have she wouldn’t be in this state.”
“你在胡說什么？”
“What sort of nonsense is that?”
她的語氣更加刻薄了：
She became even more rancorous.
“胡說？我只是想告訴你，我的身體狀態(tài)比媽媽還要差?？傊?，你現(xiàn)在一直在那不勒斯，你認識的醫(yī)生多一些，你帶她看看吧，你不能把什么事兒都扔給我。只要你稍微關(guān)心一下她，你看吧，她會好起來的。”
“Nonsense? I’ll just tell you this: my
? health is worse than Mamma’s. And anyway, now that you’re in Naples and you
? know more about doctors, you take care of her, don’t leave it all on my
? shoulders. Enough for you to give her a bit of attention and she’ll be
? healthy again.”
我盡量忍著沒發(fā)作，我不想吵架。她為什么要這樣和我說話？我和她一樣，也變得更糟糕了嗎？我們身為姐妹的好時光已經(jīng)結(jié)束了嗎？或者說，埃莉莎——我們家里最小的孩子——證明了現(xiàn)在這個城區(qū)會比過去還變本加厲地毀掉一個人？至于我的兩個孩子，她們都安安靜靜坐在那里，她們很失望，因為小姨對她們一點兒也不熱情。我說，她們可以把外婆給的糖果吃完。然后，我問我妹妹：
I tried to control myself, I didn’t want
? to quarrel. Why was she talking to me like that? Had I, too, changed for the
? worse, like her? Were our good times as sisters over? Or was Elisa, the
? youngest of the family, the outward sign that the life of the neighborhood
? was even more ruinous than in the past? I told the children, who sat
? obediently, in silence, but disappointed that their aunt paid them not the
? slightest attention, that they could finish the candies from their
? grandmother. Then I asked my sister:
“你和馬爾切洛怎么樣了？”
“How are things with Marcello?”
“非常好，還能怎么樣？假如不是他母親忽然死了，他有很多事情要操心，那我們會更幸福的?！?/p>
“Very good, how should they be? If it
? weren’t for all the worries he’s had since his mother died, we’d really be
? happy.”
“什么事情？”
“What worries?”
“萊農(nóng)，操心就是操心。你想著你的書，但現(xiàn)實生活是另一回事兒?！?/p>
“Worries, Lenù, worries. Go think about
? your books, life is something else.”
“佩佩和詹尼呢？”
“Peppe and Gianni?”
“他們在干活。”
“They work.”
“我一直都見不著他們?！?/p>
“I never see them.”
“那是你的事兒，因為你從來都不回來?！?/p>
“Your fault that you never come around.”
“現(xiàn)在我會經(jīng)常回來的?！?/p>
“I’ll come more often now.”
“很好。那你試著和你的朋友莉娜說說?！?/p>
“Good for you. Then try to talk to your
? friend Lina, too.”
“發(fā)生了什么事兒?！?/p>
“What’s happening?”
“沒什么，讓馬爾切洛操心的事兒里頭，也有她。”
“Nothing. But among Marcello’s many
? worries she’s one.”
“也就是說？”
“What do you mean?”
“你問問莉娜——假如她還理會你的話，你告訴她，她最好要守著自己的本分?！?/p>
“Ask Lina, and if she answers, tell her
? that she’d better stay where she belongs.”
我從這些話里聽出了索拉拉兄弟的威脅語氣，我意識到，我們再也不能回到之前那種親密的關(guān)系。我告訴她，我和莉拉之間的關(guān)系現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)淡了，但我剛從我們的母親那里聽到，她現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)不給米凱萊·索拉拉干活了，她自己開了一家公司。這時候，埃莉莎忍不住爆發(fā)了：
I recognized the threatening reticence of
? the Solaras and I realized that we would never regain our old intimacy. I
? told her that Lila and I had grown apart, but I had just heard from our
? mother that she had stopped working for Michele and had set up on her own.
? Elisa muttered:
“她是用我們的錢開的?！?/p>
“Set up on her own with our money.”
“你跟我解釋一下，這是怎么回事兒?！?/p>
“Explain.”
“我怎么給你解釋，萊農(nóng)？現(xiàn)在米凱萊任她擺布，但她拿馬爾切洛沒辦法。”
“What is there to explain, Lenù? She
? twists Michele around her finger. But not my Marcello.”
33
埃莉莎也沒有留我們吃午飯，她把我們送到門口時，才意識到那樣做太不近人情了。她對艾爾莎說：“跟小姨過來?！彼齻円黄鹣Я藥追昼?，這讓黛黛非常難受，她拉著我的手，不想覺得自己被忽視了。當(dāng)她們重新出現(xiàn)時，艾爾莎滿臉嚴肅，但目光里卻透露著喜悅。我妹妹好像站在那里都很累，我們一走到樓梯上，她就把門關(guān)上了。
Elisa didn’t invite us to lunch, either.
? Only when she led us to the door did she seem to become aware that she had
? been rude, and she said to Elsa: Come with your aunt. They disappeared for a
? few minutes, making Dede suffer; she clutched my hand in order not to feel
? neglected. When they reappeared Elsa had a serious expression but a cheerful
? gaze. My sister, who seemed worn out by being on her feet, closed the door as
? soon as we started down the stairs.
一來到路上，艾爾莎就把我妹妹的秘密禮物展示給我們了：兩萬里拉。埃莉莎的做法像我們小時候，那些稍微比我們富裕的人送錢給我們的行為。但那時候，表面上那些錢是給我們這些孩子的，但實際上，我們收了錢之后，會交給母親，她用這些錢來補貼家用。埃莉莎也一樣，很明顯，她想給我錢，而不是給艾爾莎錢，但目的卻是另一個，她用這兩萬里拉——等于一家好出版社付給三本書的版稅，向我展示，馬爾切洛很愛她，讓她過著很富裕的生活。
Once we were in the street the child
? showed us her aunt’s secret gift: twenty thousand lire. Elisa had given her
? money the way, when we were small, certain relatives did who were scarcely
? better off than we were. But at that time the money was only in appearance a
? gift for us children: we were bound to hand it over to my mother, who spent
? it on necessities. Elisa, too, evidently, had wanted to give the money to me
? rather than to Elsa, but for another purpose. With that twenty thousand
? lire—the equivalent of three books in quality bindings—she meant to prove to
? me that Marcello loved her and she led a life of luxury.
我讓兩個吵吵嚷嚷的孩子平靜下來。我一個勁兒逼問艾爾莎，才使得她最終承認，小姨的意思是這些錢要她倆分，一萬給她，一萬給黛黛。她們還在爭吵，這時候我聽見有人叫我，是卡門，她身上穿著加油站的藍色衣服。我剛才沒留心，沒繞過她的加油站，她向我招手，我看到她黑色的鬈發(fā)，還有寬寬的臉。
I calmed the children, who were
? squabbling. Elsa had to be subjected to persistent questioning in order to
? admit that, according to their aunt’s wishes, the money should be divided,
? ten thousand to her and ten thousand to Dede. They were still wrangling and
? tugging at each other when I heard someone calling me. It was Carmen, bundled
? up in a blue gas-station attendant’s smock. Distracted, I hadn’t taken a
? detour around the gas pump. Now she was making signs of greeting, her hair
? curly and black, her face broad.
我很難抵擋她的熱情，卡門把加油泵關(guān)了，想帶我們?nèi)ニ页晕顼?。她丈夫也來了，我從來都沒機會認識他。他去了幼兒園把兩個孩子接了回來，兩個男孩子，一個和艾爾莎年齡相仿，一個比她小一歲?？ㄩT的丈夫看起來是一個溫和的男人，很熱情，他讓兩個孩子幫忙，吃飯前把餐具擺好，吃完又把餐具撤了，洗了盤子。這一代人，我還沒見過這樣關(guān)系和諧、息息相通的夫妻，他們看起來很高興生活在一起。我終于得到了熱情的款待，我看到，我的兩個女兒都很自在：她們吃得很愉快，用大姐姐的語氣和兩個小男生說話。飯后，羅伯特跑去開加油泵，我和卡門單獨在一起。
It was hard to resist. Carmen closed the
? pump, wanted to take us to her house for lunch. Her husband, whom I had never
? met, arrived. He had gone to get the children at school: two boys, one the
? same age as Elsa, the other a year younger. He turned out to be a gentle,
? very cordial man. He set the table, getting the children to help him, he
? cleared, he washed the dishes. Until that moment I had never seen a couple of
? my generation get along so well, so obviously content to live together.
? Finally I felt welcomed, and I saw that my daughters, too, were at ease: they
? ate heartily, with maternal tones they devoted themselves to the two boys. In
? other words I felt reassured, I had a couple of hours of tranquility. Then
? Roberto hurried out to reopen the pump, and Carmen and I were alone.
她很小心，沒有問我尼諾的事兒。盡管她看起來已經(jīng)知道了一切，沒有問我搬到那不勒斯，是不是為了和他生活在一起。她跟我說起了她丈夫，他干活很賣力，也很顧家。她說：“萊農(nóng)，雖然有很多痛苦要面對，但他和兩個孩子是我的安慰。”她又提到了過去：她父親的悲慘遭遇，她母親做出的犧牲和她的死，在斯特凡諾·卡拉奇的肉食店工作的那段時間，就是艾達取代了莉拉成了老板娘，折磨她的那個階段。我們甚至談到了她和恩佐訂婚的那段短暫的時間，我們笑了起來。她說，真傻！她一次都沒提到過帕斯卡萊，是我問的她。她盯著地板，搖了搖頭，然后站了起來，就好像要擺脫一些她不想說，或者不能說的事兒。
She was discreet, she didn’t ask about
? Nino, if I had moved to Naples to live with him, even though she seemed to
? know everything. Instead she talked about her husband, a hard worker, and
? attached to the family. Lenù, she said, amid so much suffering he and the
? children are the only consolation. She recalled the past: the terrible story
? of her father, the sacrifices of her mother and her mother’s death, the
? period when she worked in Stefano Carracci’s grocery store, and then when Ada
? replaced Lila and had tortured her. We even laughed a little about the time
? when she was Enzo’s girlfriend: What nonsense, she said. She didn’t mention
? Pasquale even once; I had to ask. But she stared at the floor, shook her
? head, jumped up as if to push away something she wouldn’t or couldn’t tell
? me.
“我去給莉娜打電話?！彼f，“假如她知道我們見面了，沒有告訴她，她會不理我的?！?/p>
“I’m going to call Lina,” she said. “If
? she knows we saw each other and I didn’t tell her she’ll never speak to me
? again.”
“算了，她要上班的?！?/p>
“Forget it, she’ll be working.”
“瞧你說的，現(xiàn)在她是老板了，她想干嘛就干嘛?！?/p>
“Come on, she’s the boss now and she does
? as she likes.”
我試著和她繼續(xù)聊下去，我小心翼翼地問了莉拉和索拉拉兄弟的關(guān)系。但她好像很尷尬，說她真一點兒也不清楚，她還是去打電話了。我聽見她用非常激動的聲音說我在她家里。打完電話后，她說：
I tried to keep her talking, and asked
? her cautiously about the relations between Lila and the Solaras. But she was
? embarrassed, she answered that she didn’t know much about it and went to
? call. I heard her announcing excitedly that my daughters and I were in her
? house. When she returned she said:
“她非常高興，她馬上過來！”
“She’s very pleased, she’ll be right
? over.”
從那時候開始，我越來越不安。無論如何，我感覺自己能扛得過去，在那個體面舒適的家里待著，也很自在，四個孩子在另一個房間玩兒。這時候，門鈴響了，卡門去開門，我聽到了莉拉的聲音。
From that moment I began to get nervous.
? And yet I felt well disposed, it was comfortable in that modest, respectable
? house, the four children playing in the other room. The bell rang, Carmen
? went to the door, there was Lila’s voice.
34
剛開始時我沒有注意到詹納羅，也沒有看到恩佐，有漫長的幾秒，他們就像是空氣。我只看到莉拉，我感到一種出乎預(yù)料的愧疚感。也許，我覺得自己錯了，因為她又一次趕著跑來看我，而我一直把她排除在我的生活之外?；蛘撸腋杏X自己很小氣，她一直對我充滿好奇，我卻通過沉默、不出現(xiàn)，暗示她我對她已經(jīng)不感興趣了。我不知道。當(dāng)然了，當(dāng)她擁抱我時，我想：假如她不對我說尼諾的壞話，假如她假裝不知道尼諾又一次要成為父親，假如她對我兩個女兒很關(guān)注，那我會對她笑臉相迎，其余的事再說吧。
I didn’t notice Gennaro at first, nor did
? I see Enzo. They became visible only after a long series of seconds in which
? I heard only Lila and felt an unexpected sense of guilt. Maybe it seemed
? wrong that it was she, yet again, who was eager to see me, while I insisted
? on keeping her outside of my life. Or maybe it seemed to me rude that she
? continued to be interested in me, while I, by my silence, by my absence,
? intended to signal to her that she no longer interested me. I don’t know.
? Certainly as she hugged me I thought: if she doesn’t attack me with spiteful
? talk about Nino, if she pretends not to know about his new child, if she is
? nice to my daughters, I’ll be polite, then we’ll see.
就這樣，我們幾個人坐了下來。自從上次在多莫街的酒吧見面之后，我們再也沒有見過。是莉拉開始說話的，她把詹納羅推到我前面，他現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)是一個很壯的小伙子了，臉上全是痘印。她馬上就開始抱怨他在學(xué)校的成績，但她是用一種充滿感情的語氣：“他上小學(xué)成績很棒，在中學(xué)學(xué)習(xí)也很好，但今年恐怕是要不及格了，他的拉丁語、希臘語肯定會考不過?！蔽逸p輕拍了一下詹納羅，安慰他說：“詹納，只要做點兒練習(xí)題就好了，你來找我吧，我?guī)湍阊a補課。”忽然間，我決定采取主動，提出了那些比較尷尬的問題。我說：“我剛搬到那不勒斯沒幾天，和尼諾之間的問題基本上說清楚了，現(xiàn)在一切都好?！边@時候，我用一種平靜的語氣，把我的兩個女兒叫過來，當(dāng)她們出現(xiàn)時，我大聲說：“兩個孩子在這里，你看看她們長得多快！”當(dāng)時場面比較混亂，黛黛認出了詹納羅，她很幸福，做出一副甜蜜的樣子，拽著他不放，她九歲了，而他已經(jīng)快十五歲了，艾爾莎也黏著詹納羅不放，熱情不在姐姐之下，我?guī)е环N母親的自豪看著她們。莉拉這時候說：“你回那不勒斯是個好主意，人應(yīng)該做自己想做的事兒。兩個姑娘真是漂亮，看起來很機靈！”
So we sat down. We hadn’t seen each other
? since the meeting in the bar on Via Duomo. It was Lila who spoke first. She
? pushed Gennaro forward—a large adolescent, his face marked by acne—and
? immediately began to complain about his scholastic performance. She said, but
? in an affectionate tone: he did well in elementary school, he did well in
? middle school, but this year they’re failing him, he can’t manage Latin and
? Greek. I gave the boy a pat, I consoled him: you just have to practice,
? Gennà, come to me, I’ll tutor you. And impulsively I decided to take the
? initiative, confronting what for me was the burning issue, I said: I moved to
? Naples a few days ago, things with Nino are resolved within the limits of the
? possible, everything’s fine. Then, calmly, I called my daughters, and when
? they looked in I exclaimed, Here are the children, how do you find them, see
? how they’ve grown. There was confusion. Dede recognized Gennaro and happily
? pulled him after her with a seductive look, she nine and he nearly fifteen;
? Elsa in turn tugged at him, in order not to be outdone by her sister. I
? looked at them with motherly pride and was glad that Lila meanwhile said:
? You’ve done well to return to Naples, one should do what one feels like
? doing, the girls look really well, how pretty they are.
這時候，我松了一口氣，恩佐為了加入我們的談話，問起了我的工作。我炫耀了一下最近一本書的成功，但我很快明白，我的第一本書當(dāng)時在城區(qū)有幾個看過的人聊起過，但第二本書，不僅僅是恩佐和卡門，就連莉拉也沒注意這本書的出版。就這樣，我用一種自嘲的語氣說了幾句，然后問到了他們開的公司。我笑著說：“我知道，你們現(xiàn)在從無產(chǎn)階級變成老板了。”莉拉撇了撇嘴，看向了恩佐，恩佐是用一種言簡意賅的方式，向我解釋了一下他們的情況。他說，最近幾年，計算機已經(jīng)得到了革新。他說，IBM已經(jīng)推出了一些和之前完全不同的機型。就像通常一樣，他說到了一些技術(shù)細節(jié)，讓我覺得很乏味。他說了很多簡稱，“系統(tǒng)34”、“5120”，他說現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)不用那些需要穿孔的卡片，也沒有穿孔機和檢驗機，而是另一種程序語言“BASIC”。那些機子也越來越小了，雖然計算能力有限，存儲數(shù)據(jù)的空間很小，但也沒那么貴了。最后我明白了，對于他們來說，那種新技術(shù)起到了決定性作用，他們學(xué)會了編程語言，決定自己干。就這樣，他們創(chuàng)建了自己的公司“Basic
? Sight”，公司的本部就在他們家的一間房間里，“我們算什么老板啊！”“公司名字是英文的，因為如果不是英文的話，大家都不認?！倍髯羰枪镜淖畲蠊蓶|和總裁，也是公司的靈魂，但真正的靈魂是莉拉——恩佐用自豪的語氣指著她說，“你看看這個牌子，是她設(shè)計的?！?/p>
At that point I felt relieved. Enzo,
? making conversation, asked me about work. I boasted a little about the
? success of the last book, but I immediately understood that though people in
? the neighborhood had heard of my first book at the time and some had even
? read it, not even Enzo and Carmen, or Lila, knew about the second. So I
? circled around it in a self-mocking tone and then I asked about their
? activities, I said, laughing: I know you’ve gone from being workers to
? bosses. Lila made a face as if to disparage this, and turned to Enzo, who
? tried to explain in simple terms. He said that computers in recent years had
? evolved, he said that IBM had put machines on the market that were completely
? different from the earlier ones. As usual he got lost in technical details
? that bored me. He cited products, the System 34, the 5120, and explained that
? there were no longer either perforated cards or punch-card machines and
? checkers but a different programming language, BASIC, while the machines kept
? getting smaller, with less power for calculation and storage but much less
? costly. In the end I understood only that that new technology had been
? crucial for them; they had begun to study up and had decided that they could
? go out on their own. So they had started their own business, Basic Sight—in
? English, because otherwise they don’t take you seriously—and of that
? business, with headquarters in the rooms of their house (hardly bosses), he,
? Enzo, was the majority partner and administrator, but the soul, the true soul—Enzo
? pointed to her with a gesture of pride—was Lila. Look at the logo, he said,
? she designed it.
我看了那個商標(biāo)，上面有一些不規(guī)則的圖案圍繞著一根豎線。我看著那個商標(biāo)，忽然有些感動，那是她難以控制的頭腦的進一步展現(xiàn)——我不知道我已經(jīng)錯過了多少。我對我們過去的一些美好時刻充滿了懷念。莉拉學(xué)習(xí)，莉拉放下，然后再學(xué)習(xí)，她沒辦法停下來，她從來都沒有退縮：“系統(tǒng)34”、“5120系統(tǒng)”、“BASIC”語言、“Basic
? Sight”公司，還有他們的商標(biāo)。我說，設(shè)計很漂亮。我感覺到一種溫情，那是我在我母親和妹妹那里沒有感受到的。他們都為我出現(xiàn)在這里、和他們在一起感到高興，他們慷慨大方地把我拉入他們的生活。為了向我證明，盡管他現(xiàn)在做起了生意，但他的思想沒變，他開始用他那種干巴巴的方式，說到了他為之工作的那些工廠里看到的事情：人們?yōu)榱藥桌锢诜浅毫拥沫h(huán)境里工作。有時候他覺得很羞愧，因為他要把剝削和壓榨的骯臟材料轉(zhuǎn)變成干凈的程序。從莉拉的角度來說，她說，那些老板為了獲得這些干凈的程序，不得不讓她近距離地看到他們的臟事兒。她用帶著諷刺的語氣，談到了這些老板的虛偽和奸詐，還有他們在賬面上的欺騙。卡門說，在加油站也是一樣，她感嘆了一句：“也全是狗屎！”只有在這時候，卡門才提到了她哥哥，她強調(diào)說，她哥哥是一個有頭腦的人，不會做什么出格的事兒。她提到了小時候在我們的城區(qū)發(fā)生的事情。她說——這是之前她從來都沒有提到過的事情——她和帕斯卡萊小時候，他們的父親一條一條地對他們列舉了以堂·阿奇勒為首的法西斯分子對他做的那些事情：有一次，他們在隧道口狠狠打了他一頓；還有一次，他們強迫他吻一張墨索里尼的照片，因為他在上面吐過口水；假如他當(dāng)時沒被殺死，他沒有像其他Communist員一樣消失——那些被法西斯殺死的人，被抹去的人都沒有歷史記載——那是因為他的木匠鋪子當(dāng)時在城區(qū)很顯眼，假如把他從這個世界上抹去的話，大家都會發(fā)現(xiàn)的。
I examined the logo, a swirl around a
? vertical line. I stared at it with sudden emotion, as a further manifestation
? of her ungovernable mind—I wondered how many I had missed. I felt a sudden
? longing for the good moments of our past. Lila learned, set aside, learned.
? She couldn’t stop, she never retreated: the 34, the 5120, BASIC, Basic Sight,
? the logo. Lovely, I said, and I felt then the way I hadn’t felt with my
? mother and my sister. They all seemed happy to have me among them again, and
? drew me generously into their lives. Enzo, as if to demonstrate that his
? ideas hadn’t changed in spite of prosperity, began to relate in his dry
? manner what he saw when he went around to the factories: people were working
? in terrible conditions for practically nothing, and sometimes he was ashamed
? at having to transform the filth of exploitation into the tidiness of
? programming. Lila, for her part, said that to obtain that tidiness the bosses
? had been forced to show her all their dirt close up, and she spoke sarcastically
? about the duplicity, the tricks, the scams that were behind the fa?ade of
? orderly accounts. Carmen was not to be outdone, she talked about gas, she
? exclaimed: Here, too, there’s shit everywhere. And only at that point she
? mentioned her brother, citing all the right reasons that had led him to do
? wrong things. She recalled the neighborhood of our childhood and adolescence.
? She told the story—she had never told it before—of when she and Pasquale were
? children and their father listed point by point what the fascists, led by Don
? Achille, had done to him: the time he had been beaten up right at the
? entrance to the tunnel; the time they’d made him kiss the photograph of
? Mussolini but he had spit on it, and if they hadn’t murdered him, if he
? hadn’t disappeared like so many comrades—there is no history of those whom
? the fascists killed and then “disappeared”—it was only because he had the
? carpentry shop and was well known in the neighborhood, and if they had
? removed him from the face of the earth everyone would have noticed.
時間就這樣過去了。后來，就是這種默契，使他們告訴了我一件事，證明了他們對我的友情和信任?？ㄩT用詢問的目光看了恩佐和莉拉，很小心地說：“萊農(nóng)是信得過的人?！碑?dāng)她看到他們也表示同意，就對我說，他們最近見到了帕斯卡萊。他是晚上出現(xiàn)在卡門家里的，她馬上打電話給了莉拉，莉拉和恩佐就過來了。帕斯卡萊現(xiàn)在很好，他身上干干凈凈，毫發(fā)無傷，看起來很闊氣，就像一個外科醫(yī)生。但他們都覺得他很憂傷，他的想法還是和原來一樣，但他看起來非常非常難過。他說，他永遠都不會妥協(xié)，除非把他殺了。在離開之前，他看了一眼兩個正在沉睡的外甥，他都不知道他們的名字?？ㄩT說到這里時哭了起來，是不出聲的哭，因為怕她的兩個兒子發(fā)現(xiàn)。我們說，我們不贊同帕斯卡萊的選擇，因為我們很害怕全世界，包括意大利到處發(fā)生的流血事件。先是卡門表達了立場，她要比我和莉拉堅定（莉拉沒什么反應(yīng)，恩佐只是點了點頭）。他和我們一樣，都了解那些最根本的東西，除了在報上看到的消息，誰知道他還做了什么其他可怕的事情。盡管我們的生活已經(jīng)通過電腦、拉丁語、希臘語、寫書、加油站等等安置下來了，但我們永遠都不會背叛他。任何一個愛他的人都不會那么做。
So the time passed. At a certain point
? there was such a strong feeling of friendship that they decided to give me
? real proof of it. Carmen consulted Enzo and Lila with a look, then she said
? warily: We can trust Lenuccia. When she saw that they agreed she said that
? they had recently seen Pasquale. He had appeared one night at Carmen’s house,
? and she had called Lila, and Lila had hurried over with Enzo. Pasquale was
? well. He was clean, not a hair out of place, very well dressed, he looked
? like a surgeon. But they had found him sad. His ideas had remained the same,
? but he was incredibly sad. He had said that he would never surrender, that
? they would have to kill him. Before leaving he had looked in at his nephews
? as they slept: he didn’t even know their names. Carmen here began to cry, but
? silently, so that her children wouldn’t come in. We said, she first of all,
? she more than me, more than Lila (Lila was laconic, Enzo confined himself to
? nodding), that we didn’t like Pasquale’s choices, that we felt horror at the
? bloody disorder of Italy and the world, but that he knew the same essential
? things that we knew, and even if he had committed whatever terrible
? acts—among those you read about in the papers—and even if we were comfortable
? with our lives in information technology, Latin and Greek, books, gas, we
? would never reject him. None of those who loved him would do so.
那天就這樣結(jié)束了。最后我問了莉拉和恩佐一個問題，因為我當(dāng)時比較自在，我想著剛才埃莉莎對我說的話。我問：“現(xiàn)在索拉拉兄弟怎么樣了？”恩佐馬上盯著地板看。莉拉聳了聳肩膀，說：“還是和之前一樣，兩個混蛋！”然后，她用諷刺的語氣說米凱萊現(xiàn)在發(fā)瘋了：他母親去世之后，他離開了吉耀拉，他把妻子和孩子從波西利波的家里趕了出去，路上遇到他們，也會對他們?nèi)_相加?！八骼值埽彼龓е唤z滿意說，“他們完蛋了。你想想，馬爾切洛在外面對人說，他弟弟現(xiàn)在變成這個樣子，是因為我的緣故?！边@時候，她眼睛瞇了起來，做了一個滿意的表情，就好像馬爾切洛說的是一句恭維話。最后，她總結(jié)說：“萊農(nóng)，你在外面這段時間，情況發(fā)生了變化，你應(yīng)該多和我們在一起。你把你的電話號碼給我吧，我們應(yīng)該盡可能多見面。我還想讓你教教詹納羅，你應(yīng)該明白，只有你能幫助他?！?/p>
The day ended there. There was only one
? last question, which I asked Lila and Enzo, because I was feeling at ease and
? had in mind what Elisa had said to me a little earlier. I asked: And the
? Solaras? Enzo immediately stared at the floor. Lila shrugged, she said: The
? usual pieces of shit. Then she said sarcastically that Michele had gone mad:
? after his mother’s death he had left Gigliola, he had thrown his wife and
? children out of the house on Posillipo and if they showed up there he beat
? them. The Solaras—she said, with a hint of gratification—are finished:
? imagine, Marcello goes around saying it’s my fault that his brother is
? behaving like that. And here she narrowed her eyes, with an expression of
? satisfaction, as if what Marcello said were a compliment. Then she concluded:
? A lot of things have changed, Lenù, since you left; you should stay with us
? now; give me your phone number, we ought see each other as much as we can;
? and then I want to send you Gennaro, you have to see if you can help him.
她拿起了筆，準(zhǔn)備記下號碼。我馬上跟她說了前面兩個數(shù)字，后來我的腦子有些亂，那個號碼是我前幾天才記住的，我記得不是很清楚，但當(dāng)我想起來時，我又有些猶豫，我很害怕她又攪進我的生活，我又說了兩個數(shù)字，其他數(shù)字都是故意亂說的。
She took a pen and got ready to write. I
? dictated the first two numbers right away, then I got confused, I had learned
? the number only a few days earlier and I couldn’t remember it. When, however,
? it did come to mind precisely, I hesitated again, I was afraid she would come
? back and settle in my life; I dictated two more numbers, and got the other
? numbers wrong on purpose.
我做得對。正當(dāng)我要帶了兩個孩子離開時，她當(dāng)著所有人的面，當(dāng)然包括黛黛和艾爾莎，問我：
It was a good thing. Just as I was about
? to leave with the girls Lila asked me in front of everyone, including Dede
? and Elsa:
“你要和尼諾生一個孩子嗎？”
“Will you have a child with Nino?”
35
“當(dāng)然不會?！蔽一卮鹫f，然后很尷尬地笑了起來。一路上，黛黛陰著臉不說話，我要不斷地向艾爾莎解釋：我不會生其他孩子，她們是我的孩子，這已經(jīng)夠了。有兩天，我的頭很疼，晚上沒辦法合眼。莉拉三言兩句，就把我認為很美好的一場會面攪亂了。我想：沒辦法，她還是屢教不改，她知道怎么讓我的生活變得復(fù)雜。我說的不僅僅是黛黛和艾爾莎的不安，而是莉拉一針見血地揭示了我隱藏了很久的心事，那是在大約十二年前，我在馬麗婭羅莎家里懷抱著米爾科時感受到的母性，那是一種非理性的沖動，就像受到愛的驅(qū)使，完全席卷了我。我那時候已經(jīng)感覺到，那不是僅僅想要一個孩子，而是想要一個具體的孩子，一個像米爾科的孩子，也就是尼諾的孩子。實際上，和彼得羅生了黛黛和艾爾莎，并沒有讓我的那種狂熱平息下來。相反地，最近我每一次看到西爾維亞的孩子，或者說尼諾告訴我埃利奧諾拉懷孕時，這種狂熱的念頭又浮現(xiàn)了?，F(xiàn)在，這個念頭一直縈繞在我的心頭，莉拉用她犀利的眼光，看到了我的這個想法。這是她最喜歡的游戲——我想——她就是這樣對待恩佐、卡門、安東尼奧和阿方索的，她一定也是用同樣的辦法對付米凱萊·索拉拉和吉耀拉的。她假裝自己是一個友好、溫情的人，但實際上，只要她輕輕碰你一下，挪動一下你，就會把你毀掉。她也想這樣對我，對尼諾。她一下子就看清了在我內(nèi)心的輕微波動，說透了我試著掩蓋的想法。
Of course not, I responded, and laughed
? in embarrassment. But on the street I had to explain, to Elsa especially—Dede
? was grimly silent—that I would not have other children, they were my children
? and that was that. And for two days I had a headache, I couldn’t sleep. A few
? deliberately placed words and Lila had disrupted an encounter that had seemed
? to me pleasant. I said to myself: There’s nothing to be done, she’s
? incurable, she always knows how to complicate my existence. And I wasn’t
? alluding only to the anxieties she had unleashed in Dede and Elsa. Lila had
? struck with precision a point in myself that I kept carefully hidden and
? which had to do with the urge for motherhood I’d noticed for the first time a
? dozen years ago, when I had held little Mirko, in Mariarosa’s house. It had
? been a completely irrational impulse, a sort of command of love, which at the
? time had overwhelmed me. I had intuited even then that it was not a simple
? wish to have a child, I wanted a particular child, a child like Mirko, a
? child of Nino’s. And in fact that yearning had not been alleviated by Pietro
? and the conception of Dede and Elsa. Rather, it had reemerged recently, when
? I saw Silvia’s child and, especially, when Nino had told me that Eleonora was
? pregnant. Now, with increasing frequency, it rummaged around in me, and Lila,
? with her usual acute gaze, had seen it. It’s her favorite game—I said to
? myself—she does it with Enzo, with Carmen, with Antonio, with Alfonso. She
? must have behaved the same way with Michele Solara, with Gigliola. She
? pretends to be a kind and affectionate person, but then she gives you a
? slight nudge, she moves you a tiny bit, and she ruins you. She wants to go
? back to acting like that with me, and with Nino, too. She had managed to
? bring out into the open a secret tremor that in general I tried to ignore, as
? one ignores the twitching of an eyelid.
有幾天時間，在塔索街上的房子里，當(dāng)我一個人或者和別人在一起時，我都會不斷地想一個問題：我要和尼諾生一個孩子嗎？現(xiàn)在，這已經(jīng)不是莉拉提出的問題，而是我給自己提出的問題。
For days, in the house on Via Tasso,
? alone and in company, I was constantly agitated by the question: Will you
? have a child with Nino? But now it wasn’t Lila’s question, I asked it of
? myself.
36
從那時候開始，我經(jīng)?；爻菂^(qū)，尤其是彼得羅過來看兩個孩子時。我步行從阿米迪歐廣場，坐上地鐵。有時候，我站在鐵路上面的天橋上，看著下面的大路，有時候我只是穿過隧道，一直走到教堂。但是，通常我都是去找我母親，和她做斗爭，讓她去看醫(yī)生，我讓我父親還有兩個弟弟佩佩和詹尼也加入了這場斗爭。她是一個倔強的女人，丈夫還有兩個兒子一提看醫(yī)生的事兒，她就會發(fā)火。對于我，她只是會嚷嚷：“你閉嘴，是你讓我害病的！”要么她把我趕走，要么她把自己關(guān)在廁所里。
After that, I returned often to the
? neighborhood, especially when Pietro came to stay with the girls. I walked to
? Piazza Amedeo, I took the metro. Sometimes I stopped on the railroad bridge
? and looked down on the stradone, sometimes I just went through the tunnel and
? walked to the church. But more often I went to fight with my mother,
? insisting that she go to a doctor, and I involved my father, Peppe, Gianni in
? that battle. She was a stubborn woman, she got angry at her husband and sons
? as soon as they alluded to her health problems. With me, it was always the
? same, she cried: Shut up, you’re the one who’s killing me, and she threw me
? out, or locked herself in the bathroom.
莉拉有本事，這是大家都知道的事兒，比如說，米凱萊早就發(fā)現(xiàn)了這一點。埃莉莎對她的敵意，不僅僅是因為馬爾切洛的怨氣，而是因為莉拉在利用了索拉拉兄弟之后，又一次把他們甩開了，“Basic
? Sight”公司給她贏得了名聲還有金錢。她不再是小時候那樣，一個難纏的女人，而是能在你腦子的那團混亂中，能理出一個頭緒的人，假如她不喜歡你，她會讓你頭腦昏亂，不知所措。現(xiàn)在，她已經(jīng)學(xué)了一門新本領(lǐng)，一份沒人懂但能賺很多錢的工作。她生意那么好，據(jù)說恩佐正在找一個地方做辦公室，而不是他們在臥室和廚房之間布置的那個臨時湊合的辦公室。但恩佐是誰？雖然他那么聰明，他僅僅是莉拉的一個跟隨者?，F(xiàn)在她運籌帷幄，決定做什么，不做什么。假如說得夸張一點，就好像城區(qū)在短時間內(nèi)形成了這樣的格局：要么學(xué)著馬爾切洛和米凱萊的樣子，要么成為莉拉。
Lila instead had what it takes, and
? everyone knew it; Michele, for example, had realized it long ago. So Elisa’s
? aversion toward her was due not only to some disagreement with Marcello but
? to the fact that Lila had yet again broken off from the Solaras and, after
? using them, had done well. Basic Sight was earning her a growing reputation
? for innovation and for profit. It was no longer a matter of the brilliant
? person who since she was a child had had the capacity to take the disorder
? from your head and heart to give it back to you well organized or, if she
? couldn’t stand you, to confuse your ideas and leave you depressed. Now she
? also embodied the possibility of learning a new job, a job that no one knew
? anything about but was lucrative. The business was going so well—people
? said—that Enzo was looking for a space for a proper office and not the
? makeshift one that he had installed between the kitchen and the bedroom. But
? who was Enzo, clever though he might be? Only a subordinate of Lila. It was
? she who moved things, who made and unmade. So, to exaggerate just slightly,
? the situation in the neighborhood seemed in a short time to have become the
? following: you learned either to be like Marcello and Michele or to be like
? Lila.
當(dāng)然了，這可能只是我的想法。但在那段時間，我感覺從她身上，還有從所有曾經(jīng)和她有關(guān)、現(xiàn)在圍繞著在她身邊的人身上，都能看到這一點。比如說，有一次我遇到了斯特凡諾·卡拉奇，他現(xiàn)在很胖，臉色發(fā)黃，穿得很糟糕，他身上已經(jīng)一點兒也看不出當(dāng)年那個和莉拉結(jié)婚的年輕商人的痕跡，他的錢也越來越少了。盡管我們沒聊幾句，但我覺得，他說的很多話都是莉拉說的。也包括艾達，在那個階段她也很崇拜莉拉，因為莉拉給斯特凡諾錢，艾達說了莉拉很多好話，我感覺到她在模仿莉拉的動作，甚至是笑的方式。
Of course, it might be that it was my
? obsession, but in that phase, at least, I seemed increasingly to see her in
? all the people who had been or were close to her. Once, for example, I ran
? into Stefano Carracci, much heavier, his complexion yellowish, shabbily
? dressed. There was absolutely nothing left of the young shopkeeper Lila had
? married, least of all his money. And yet from the little conversation we had
? it seemed to me that he used many of his wife’s phrases. And Ada, too, who at
? that point had great respect for Lila and said nice things about her, because
? of the money she gave Stefano, seemed to imitate her gestures, maybe even her
? way of laughing.
親戚和朋友都去找她，希望能得到安置，他們也盡量表現(xiàn)得稱職。艾達忽然就被“Bisic
? Sight”雇傭了，因為她還什么都沒學(xué)到，她要從接電話開始。里諾也被雇用了——有一天，他和馬爾切洛吵架了，他離開了那家超市，他問都沒問就加入了他妹妹的公司，他還夸口說，他三下五除二就掌握了那些需要掌握的東西。但最出乎我意料的消息是一天晚上尼諾跟我說的，他從瑪麗莎那里得知，就連阿方索也投靠了“Basic
? Sight”。米凱萊·索拉拉瘋瘋癲癲的，他無緣無故就把馬爾蒂里廣場上的商店關(guān)了，阿方索失業(yè)了，結(jié)果是，就連他也通過莉拉重新找到了工作。
Relatives and friends crowded around her
? in search of a job, making an effort to appear suitable. Ada herself was
? hired out of the blue at Basic Sight, she was to begin by answering the
? telephone, then maybe she would learn other things. Rino, too—who one bad day
? had quarreled with Marcello and left the supermarket—inserted himself into
? his sister’s activity without even asking permission, boasting that he could
? learn in no time all there was to learn. But the most unexpected news for
? me—Nino told me one night, he had heard it from Marisa—was that even Alfonso
? had ended up at Basic Sight. Michele Solara, who continued to act in a crazy
? way, had closed the shop in Piazza dei Martiri for no reason and Alfonso was
? left without a job. As a result now he, too—and successfully—was being
? retrained, thanks to Lila.
假如我愿意的話，我本可以了解更多，給她打電話就好了，或者說去她的公司看一眼，但我從來都沒有那么做過。有一次，我在路上遇到她了，她很不情愿地停了下來。因為我給了她一個錯誤號碼的事兒，她應(yīng)該很生我的氣；我說了我要給她兒子補課，但我沒有露面；她想盡一切辦法想和我和好，但我躲開了。她說她有急事，她用方言問我：
I could have found out more, and maybe I
? would have liked to, all I had to do was call her, stop by. But I never did.
? Once only I met her on the street and stopped reluctantly. She must have been
? offended that I had told her the wrong phone number, that I had offered to
? give lessons to her son and instead had disappeared, that she had done
? everything to reconcile with me and I had withdrawn. She said she was in a
? hurry, she asked in dialect:
“你還是住在塔索街上？”
“Are you still living on Via Tasso?”
“是的。”
“Yes.”
“那里很方便?！?/p>
“It’s out of the way.”
“可以看見大海?！?/p>
“It has a view of the sea.”
“從那上面看到的海是什么樣的？一片藍色？你最好到近處看看，這樣你就會看到，海上全是垃圾、尿、帶病毒的臟水。你們這些讀書寫作的人喜歡說謊，而不是說出真相?！?/p>
“What’s the sea, from up there? A bit of
? color. Better if you’re closer, that way you notice that there’s filth, mud,
? piss, polluted water. But you who read and write books like to tell lies, not
? the truth.”
我不想多說，就說：
I cut her short, I said:
“我已經(jīng)住在那里了?！?/p>
“For now I’m there.”
她就更干脆了：
She cut me even shorter:
“總是可以換的，有多少次，我們說一套，做一套，你在這里找個房子吧。”
“One can always change. How many times do
? we say one thing and then do another? Take a place here.”
我搖了搖頭，和她告別了。她想要什么？想讓我再次回到城區(qū)嗎？
I shook my head, I said goodbye. Was that
? what she wanted? To bring me back to the neighborhood?
