又到了我們的改寫計(jì)劃咯~
首先，照例是簡單了解下什么是改寫計(jì)劃：
這個(gè)欄目名稱叫做「改寫計(jì)劃」。顧名思義，就是希望通過對原始文章的修改，力圖將其變得更加優(yōu)美。
原始文章來自仕佳的學(xué)生習(xí)作或者是「讀者投稿」。投稿請?zhí)砑訉W(xué)習(xí)君微信（xuexijun01） 。具體修改哪篇，由仕佳老師選定。
每期修改一篇作文
以下一位仕佳學(xué)生的習(xí)作，來自TPO 40 。題目的要求為：
Some parent offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school. Do you think this is a good idea?
?
先來看看學(xué)生的習(xí)作原文：
I agree with the statement that parents should give their children money if they get good grades in school. There are two reasons why I think so.
First, giving children money can make them study harder before exams. They know that if they will get money if they do great, so that they will make their efforts to try their best. This will encourage them to achieve good marks. For instance, my parents often give me money when I get an A+ in school. Once I was about to have a history exam. There were too many things to review, and it was late at night. I was about to give up. Yet I remember that my parents has promised me that if I do great in this exam, they will provide money to buy my favorite books. I thought about those books. I really want those books, so I encourages me: do not give up! I kept reviewing before I finished all the stuffs. Finally, with the encouragement from the money, I got a good grade in the exam and finally got my books. In contrast, John, one of my friend, did not get money for his grades. He had no encouragement to make him work hard. And so, he got a pretty bad score on that exam. This shows that children will do better if they receive money for each good grade.
Second, giving children money can also help them learn how to manage money. It is inevitable that we have to manage money in the future. So it is good to learn that skill in the early age. Let's still take me and my friend John as an example. Once we had a assignment in our economy class. I had learn a lot about how to manage money, as I had gained and spent my money for a long time. So when facing those problems, I felt that they were too easy. And I got a good mark in that assignment. However, when I asked John, he said that he did not know any of those questions, because he does not have any of the experiences which I have. This shows the importance that it is necessary to let children manage their money, and the best way to do so is to give them money if they get a good grade in the school.
Because of the two reasons above, in my point of view, it is good for parents to give their children money if they get a high mark in school.
從整體來看，這篇文章的優(yōu)缺點(diǎn)分別是：
優(yōu)點(diǎn)：
- 段落層次組織有序，銜接緊密，過渡自然，有邏輯性
- 文章切題，闡述基本清晰，舉例恰當(dāng)
- 句間連接基本順暢
缺點(diǎn)：
- 有部分句法錯(cuò)誤;用詞一般，有時(shí)不得體。
- 敘述過于啰嗦，有效信息不夠充分。
綜上，這篇文章在托?？荚囍写蟾攀?0分上下的水平。
幾個(gè)比較重要的修改點(diǎn)如下，我們先看第一處：
They know that if they will get money if they do great, so that they will make their efforts to try their best.
問題分析：
條件狀語從句里主句不能前面加if，這句話中出現(xiàn)了兩個(gè)if。其次so that使用不當(dāng)。
改寫建議：
The students are motivated to try their best by the fact that if they do great in exams, they will get money as a reward.
第二處：
Yet I remember that my parents has promised me that if I do great in this exam, they will provide money to buy my favorite books.
問題分析：
首先，這里在敘述過去的事件，時(shí)態(tài)應(yīng)該選用過去時(shí)。其次，I encourages me屬于語法錯(cuò)誤。
改寫建議：
However, I remembered that my parents promised a huge amount of money if I could achieve a satisfying result in the exam, which would enable me to buy my favorite books.
第三處:
I thought about those books. I really want those books, so I encourages me: do not give up! I kept reviewing before I finished all the stuffs.
問題分析：
這里的句子就是所有句子堆砌在一起，中間沒有任何連接詞連接，句間連接不通順。
改寫建議：
On considering the books, I was full of enthusiasm and energy to continue reviewing until I got all the stuffs done.
第四處：
So when facing those problems, I felt that they were too easy.
問題分析：
Those problems？哪些問題？前面沒有說，沒有鋪墊過會出現(xiàn)的難題，所以這里顯得很突兀。
改寫建議：
So when faced with difficulties I already met before, I was able to tackle the problem without panic.
第五處：
This shows the importance that it is necessary to let children manage their money……
問題分析：
importance和necessary重復(fù)了，而且這句話屬于語法錯(cuò)誤。
改寫建議：
This has emphasizes the importance of allowing children to manage their money in preparation for the future.
當(dāng)然，上述的修改只是挑出了幾處比較有代表意義的問題進(jìn)行了具體的分析，文章本身還是有不少其他的語法錯(cuò)誤的，如時(shí)態(tài)、單復(fù)數(shù)變形等等。出現(xiàn)問題的地方在圖中都有標(biāo)明，同學(xué)們也可以自己思考一下為什么標(biāo)紅的地方有問題，怎么有問題，應(yīng)該怎么改：
以下是這篇文章完整的修改情況。改后的文章為25分左右的水平。
以上，就是本期改寫計(jì)劃的所有內(nèi)容。
點(diǎn)擊“閱讀原文”，可以下載帶有批改顯示的word文件，閱讀效果和學(xué)習(xí)效果會更好。
今天是冬至，Tim老師（天哥）一早到辦公室就祝我節(jié)日快樂，然后和他愉快地聊了一下小時(shí)候?qū)Χ凉?jié)的美好記憶，就開始愉快地工作了，中午的時(shí)候，天哥又請我和今天在仕佳學(xué)習(xí)的同學(xué)們一起去吃美食啦，專門點(diǎn)了餃子有沒有……
天哥說因?yàn)榻裉祆F霾，并且又是節(jié)日，所以堅(jiān)持到學(xué)校的老師和同學(xué)會比較少，這樣他請吃飯就可以少花錢……我只想說，這樣的天哥給我來一打 (●′?｀●)
