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60
啊，是的，我真是應(yīng)該抽身而出了。從加利亞尼老師家里出來，我感覺非常苦澀，嘴里也很干。我沒有勇氣對老師說，她不應(yīng)該那么對待我：盡管她可能很早就有我寫的那本書了，她一定已經(jīng)看過了，至少大概看過了，她對我寫的書只字不提也就算了，她沒要我專門給她帶去的、上面有題贈的那本。在離開之前，因為懦弱，也因為想要以一種柔和的方式中斷這段關(guān)系，我還是堅持把那本書留給她了。她沒有說接受，也沒說不接受，她微笑了一下，繼續(xù)和莉拉說話。特別是，關(guān)于我的文章，她只字未提，她提了一句也只是為了引出對《團(tuán)結(jié)報》的負(fù)面評價。她拿出了莉拉寫的那幾頁紙，和莉拉談了起來，就好像關(guān)于那個話題，我的觀點一文不值，就好像我已經(jīng)不在房間里了。我本想對著她喊：“是的，莉拉非常聰明，這是真的，我一直都知道她很聰明，我愛她的聰明，她影響了我做的所有事情，但我是通過自己的努力，才取得現(xiàn)在的成就，所有人都很欣賞我，我不像你女兒那樣，一點兒用處也沒有?！钡乙恢背聊徽Z，我在那里，聽她們討論工廠里的工作，還有工人的訴求。一直走到樓梯間時，她們還在那里交談，到最后，加利亞尼老師漫不經(jīng)心地跟我打了招呼，但她還在對莉拉說話。她們已經(jīng)開始用“你”相互稱呼了：“你要常和我聯(lián)系?。 比缓髶肀Я怂?。這讓我覺得很屈辱。娜迪雅和帕斯卡萊一直沒再出現(xiàn)，我沒機(jī)會向他們發(fā)泄我內(nèi)心郁積的怒火：幫助一個朋友有錯嗎，為了幫助她，我不是一樣出頭露面了嗎？他們怎么能那樣批評我的所作所為。最后在樓梯上，在門廳那兒，在維托利奧·埃馬努埃萊街上的人行道上，只有我和莉拉兩個人了。我感覺自己迫不及待地想對著她叫喊：“你真的覺得，我怕你給我丟臉，你腦子到底怎么想的，你為什么要說那兩個人是對的，你真的太沒有良心了。我想盡一切辦法想幫你，想和你在一起，你就是這樣對待我的？你的腦子真是有病?！钡覀儎傄坏酵饷?，我開沒有開口（假如我說了，事情有什么不一樣嗎？），她就挽住了我的胳膊，開始捍衛(wèi)我，說起了加利亞尼的壞話。
Oh yes, it was really time to get out. I
? left the Galiani house embittered, my mouth dry, without the courage to say
? to the professor that she didn’t have the right to treat me like that. She
? hadn’t said anything about my book, although she’d had it for some time and
? surely had read it or at least skimmed it. She hadn’t asked for a dedication
? in the copy I had brought for that reason and when, before leaving—out of
? weakness, out of a need to end that relationship affectionately—I had offered
? anyway, she hadn’t answered, she had smiled, and continued to talk to Lila.
? Above all, she had said nothing about my articles, rather she had mentioned
? them only to include them in her negative opinion of l’Unità, and then pulled
? out Lila’s pages and began to talk to her as if my opinion on the subject
? didn’t count, as if I were no longer in the room. I would have liked to yell:
? Yes, it’s true, Lila has a tremendous intelligence, an intelligence that I’ve
? always recognized, that I love, that’s influenced everything I’ve done; but
? I’ve worked hard to develop mine and I’ve been successful, I’m valued
? everywhere, I’m not a pretentious nobody like your daughter. Instead, I
? listened silently while they talked about work and the factory and the
? workers demands. They kept talking, even on the landing, until Professor
? Galiani absently said goodbye to me, while to Lila she said, now using the
? familiar tu, Stay in touch, and embraced her. I felt humiliated. Moreover,
? Pasquale and Nadia hadn’t returned, I hadn’t had a chance to refute them and
? my anger at them was still raging inside me: why was it wrong to help a
? friend, to do it I had taken a risk, how could they dare to criticize what
? I’d done. Now, on the stairs, in the lobby, on the sidewalk of Corso Vittorio
? Emanuele, it was only Lila and me. I was ready to shout at her: Do you really
? think I’m ashamed of you, what were you thinking, why did you say those two
? were right, you’re ungrateful, I did all I could to stay close to you, to be
? useful to you, and you treat me like that, you really have a sick mind. But
? as soon as we were outside, even before I could open my mouth (and on the
? other hand what would have changed if I had?), she took me by the arm and
? began to defend me against Professor Galiani.
無論是關(guān)于她支持帕斯卡萊和娜迪雅，還是說我不讓她參加我婚禮的事兒，我根本找不到任何機(jī)會指責(zé)她。談到這些事情，她現(xiàn)在表現(xiàn)得像是另一個莉拉，一個根本就不知道剛才是怎么回事兒的莉拉，讓她解釋也沒用。真是一幫爛人——我們一路走到阿梅戴奧廣場的地鐵站時她都是這么說的——你看看，那老女人是怎么對你的，她想報復(fù)。她根本無法容忍你寫書、寫文章，她無法容忍你嫁得好。尤其讓她無法忍受的是：娜迪雅從小受到的教育，就是要成為人上人，娜迪雅本應(yīng)該成為她的驕傲，但現(xiàn)在卻一事無成，不僅如此，她還和一個泥瓦匠搞在一起，在她母親眼皮底下，做那些傷風(fēng)敗俗的事。是的，加利亞尼根本就無法容忍這一點，你不應(yīng)該為此感到難受，管她怎么說呢。你不應(yīng)該把那本書留給她，你不應(yīng)該問她要不要，你不應(yīng)該給她寫贈言。這些人，應(yīng)該用腳踹他們的屁股，你最大的缺點，就是你太好心了，人家說什么你都聽。那些上過學(xué)的人，覺得只有自己有頭腦，但事情不是這樣的，你要放松，去吧，去結(jié)婚，蜜月旅行。你已經(jīng)照顧我太長時間了。你要趕緊再寫一本小說，你知道我期望你活得精彩，做出很棒的事兒，我愛你。
I couldn’t find a single opening in order
? to reproach her for aligning herself with Pasquale and Nadia, or for the
? senseless accusation that I didn’t want her at my wedding. She behaved as if
? it had been another Lila who said those things, a Lila of whom she herself
? knew nothing and whom it was pointless to ask for explanations. What terrible
? people—she began, and spoke without stopping all the way to the subway at
? Piazza Amedeo—did you see how the old woman treated you, she wanted to get
? revenge, she can’t bear that you write books and articles, she can’t bear
? that you’re about to marry well, she especially can’t bear that Nadia,
? brought up precisely to be the best of all, Nadia who was to give her so much
? satisfaction, isn’t up to anything good, is sleeping with a construction
? worker and acting like a whore right in front of her: no, she can’t bear it,
? but you’re wrong to be upset, forget about it, you shouldn’t have left her
? your book, you shouldn’t have asked if she wanted it inscribed, you especially
? shouldn’t have done that, those are people who should be treated with a kick
? in the ass, your weakness is that you’re too good, you swallow everything
? that educated people say as if they’re the only ones who had a mind, but it’s
? not true, relax, go, get married, have a honeymoon, you were too worried
? about me, write another novel, you know that I expect great things from you,
? I love you.
我非常震驚，一直在聽她說話，跟她在一起，根本沒辦法平靜。我們之間的關(guān)系每次停頓，遲早都會出現(xiàn)一些意外的情況，她腦子里會蹦出來一個什么東西，讓她失衡，也會讓我失衡。我不明白，這番話是不是為了向我道歉，還是她故意這么說的，來掩飾自己，不想向我坦白她的真實感受，還是要和我徹底告別。當(dāng)然，她很虛偽，也沒什么良心。我呢，盡管我的處境發(fā)生了變化，我還是依附于她。我覺得，對于她的這種依附，可能我一輩子都擺脫不了了，這讓我覺得難以忍受。我希望——我沒辦法抑制自己的沖動——那個心臟病醫(yī)生的診斷是錯的，阿爾曼多是對的，我希望她真的病得要死了。
I simply listened, overwhelmed. With her,
? there was no way to feel that things were settled; every fixed point of our
? relationship sooner or later turned out to be provisional; something shifted
? in her head that unbalanced her and unbalanced me. I couldn’t understand if
? those words were in fact intended to apologize to me, or if she was lying,
? concealing feelings that she had no intention of confiding to me, or if she
? was aiming at a final farewell. Certainly she was false, and she was
? ungrateful, and I, in spite of all that had changed for me, continued to feel
? inferior. I felt that I would never free myself from that inferiority, and
? that seemed to me intolerable. I wished—and I couldn’t keep the wish at
? bay—that the cardiologist had been wrong, that Armando had been right, that
? she really was ill and would die.
從那時候起，有很多年，我們都沒見面，我們只通電話。對彼此而言，我們都成了斷斷續(xù)續(xù)的聲音，沒有任何目光的交流。但渴望她死去的那種念頭，留在了我腦子的某個角落里，一直驅(qū)之不散。
For years after that, we didn’t see each
? other, we only talked on the phone. We became for each other fragments of a
? voice, without any visual corroboration. But the wish that she would die
? remained in a far corner, I tried to get rid of it but it wouldn’t go away.
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61
出發(fā)去佛羅倫薩的前夜，我沒法入睡，心里有很多讓我痛苦的事情，最難讓我消化的是帕斯卡萊對我的批評，他的話一句句刺痛著我的神經(jīng)。剛開始，我盡量不去想這些，但現(xiàn)在我不確信我做得對不對。我想到，莉拉說他們說得有道理，也許我真的錯了。最后，我做了一件我從來沒有做過的事情：凌晨四點，我從床上起來，在太陽升起之前一個人從家里出去。我感到非常不幸福，希望會發(fā)生一些意外，一些非常糟糕的事情，來懲罰我的這些錯誤舉動和我糟糕的想法，從而也懲罰到她。但什么事兒也沒發(fā)生，我一個人走在空蕩蕩的街道上，外面比白天擁擠時還安全。我來到了海邊，天空開始發(fā)紫，在黯淡的天色下，大海像一張發(fā)灰的紙，天空上沒幾朵云彩，天邊是粉色的。天光把奧沃城堡切成了兩段，靠維蘇威火山那邊，是一片輝煌的赭紅色，靠火車站和波西利波那邊，是一道長長的褐色，沿著礁石的那條路空蕩蕩。大海悄無聲息，散發(fā)出一股強(qiáng)烈的氣息。假如每天早上，我不是在老城區(qū)醒來，而是在靠海的那些房子里醒來，不知道我會對那不勒斯、對我自己會有什么樣的看法。我在追求什么？我要改變自己的出身嗎？改變我自己，還有別人？我要讓眼前這個空蕩蕩的城市住滿新居民？他們不為貧窮或貪婪所折磨，他們沒有憤恨，也沒有怒火，他們就像以前居住在這里的神靈一樣，能欣賞到這輝煌的景色。我還是要順從我內(nèi)心的惡魔，自己過上好生活，自己幸福？我利用艾羅塔一家的權(quán)力，來幫助莉拉，艾羅塔幾代人都為社會主義做斗爭，他們站在帕斯卡萊或者莉拉這類人一邊，但我那么做，并沒有想著要改變?nèi)澜绲牟还且獛椭粋€我愛的人。假如我不那么做的話，我會覺得愧疚。我做錯了嗎？我應(yīng)該任由莉拉陷入麻煩之中嗎？我再也不做這種事兒了，我再也不會為任何人動一根手指了。我要離開了，我要去結(jié)婚。
The night before I left for Florence I
? couldn’t sleep. Of all the painful thoughts the most persistent had to do
? with Pasquale. His criticisms burned me. At first I had rejected them
? altogether, now I was wavering between the conviction that they were undeserved
? and the idea that if Lila said he was right maybe I really had been mistaken.
? Finally I did something I had never done: I got out of bed at four in the
? morning and left the house by myself, before dawn. I felt very unhappy; I
? wished something terrible would happen to me, an event that, punishing me for
? my mistaken actions and my wicked thoughts, would as a result punish Lila,
? too. But nothing happened. I walked for a long time on the deserted streets,
? which were much safer than when they were crowded. The sky turned violet. I
? reached the sea, a gray sheet under a pale sky with scattered pink-edged
? clouds. The mass of Castel dell’Ovo was cut sharply in two by the light, a
? shining ochre shape on the Vesuvius side, a brown stain on the Mergellina and
? Posillipo side. The road along the cliff was empty, the sea made no sound but
? gave off an intense odor. Who knows what feeling I would have had about
? Naples, about myself, if I had waked every morning not in my neighborhood but
? in one of those buildings along the shore. What am I seeking? To change my
? origins? To change, along with myself, others, too? Repopulate this now
? deserted city with citizens not assailed by poverty or greed, not bitter or
? angry, who could delight in the splendor of the landscape like the divinities
? who once inhabited it? Indulge my demon, give him a good life and feel happy?
? I had used the power of the Airotas, people who for generations had been
? fighting for socialism, people who were on the side of men and women like Pasquale
? and Lila, not because I thought I would be fixing all the broken things of
? the world but because I was in a position to help a person I loved, and it
? seemed wrong not to do so. Had I acted badly? Should I have left Lila in
? trouble? Never again, never again would I lift a finger for anyone. I
? departed, I went to get married.
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62
現(xiàn)在，我一點兒都想不起來我結(jié)婚的情景。當(dāng)時留下來的幾張照片，并沒有激起我的回憶，反倒把我的婚禮凍結(jié)在幾張圖像上：彼得羅一副漫不經(jīng)心的樣子，我看起來有些氣憤，我母親被拍得有些模糊，但永遠(yuǎn)帶著她那副不悅的表情。關(guān)于這個儀式本身，我一點兒也想不起來了，但我清楚記得在結(jié)婚之前我和彼得羅長時間的討論。我對他說，我不想馬上要孩子，我要吃避孕藥，因為當(dāng)務(wù)之急是要寫一本新書。我很確信他一定會答應(yīng)我，但讓我驚異的是，他提出了反對。他先提出了合法不合法的問題，他說，那些藥片還沒正式銷售。然后又說，他聽說這些藥對人身體有害，他關(guān)于性、愛和繁衍說了一大通非常復(fù)雜的話。最后他嘟囔著說，假如你真有東西要寫，懷孕了也可以寫。我很難受，也很氣憤，我覺得他的反應(yīng)，不是一個要在民政局結(jié)婚的年輕學(xué)者該有的反應(yīng)。我跟他說了我的想法，我們吵架了。最后到了結(jié)婚那天，我們還沒有和好，他一聲不吭，我冷冰冰的。
I don’t remember anything about my
? wedding. A few photographs, acting as props, rather than inspiring memory,
? have frozen it around a few images: Pietro with an absent-minded expression,
? me looking angry, my mother, who is out of focus but manages nevertheless to
? appear unhappy. Or not. It’s the ceremony itself that I can’t remember, but I
? have in mind the long discussion I had with Pietro a few days before we got
? married. I told him that I intended to take the Pill in order not to have
? children, that it seemed to me urgent to try first of all to write another
? book. I was sure that he would immediately agree. Instead, surprisingly, he
? was opposed. First he made it a problem of legality, the Pill was not yet
? officially for sale; then he said there were rumors that it ruined one’s
? health; then he made a complicated speech about sex, love, and reproduction;
? finally he stammered that someone who really has to write will write anyway,
? even if she is expecting a baby. I was unhappy, I was angry, that reaction
? seemed to me not consistent with the educated youth who wanted only a civil
? marriage, and I told him so. We quarreled. Our wedding day arrived and we
? were not reconciled: he was mute, I cold.
還有另一件讓人吃驚的事情，那場宴席讓我還有些記憶。我們已經(jīng)決定，登記完結(jié)婚，我們和親戚們打個招呼，然后就回家，不舉辦任何類型的婚宴。這個選擇，是出于彼得羅的苦修主義傾向，我也想表示出，我已經(jīng)徹底不屬于我母親的世界了，這是我和彼得羅一起決定的。但我們的準(zhǔn)則被阿黛爾秘密的策劃攪亂了。她把我們拉到了她的一個女性朋友家里，說是要喝一杯，慶祝一下。但到了那兒，我和彼得羅發(fā)現(xiàn)，自己變成了一場盛宴的中心，那是佛羅倫薩一間非常奢華的居所，來賓中有艾羅塔家的很多親戚、他們認(rèn)識的很多名人，以及身份非常顯赫的人，他們一直待到晚上。我丈夫臉色陰沉下來了，我很迷惘地問，這是為什么？這是一場慶祝我的婚禮的宴席，我只邀請了我父母和弟弟妹妹。我對彼得羅說：
There was another surprise, too, that
? hasn’t faded: the reception. We had decided to get married, greet our
? relatives, and go home without any sort of celebration. That decision had
? developed through the combination of Pietro’s ascetic tendency and my intention
? to demonstrate that I no longer belonged to the world of my mother. But our
? line of conduct was secretly undone by Adele. She dragged us to the house of
? a friend of hers, for a toast, she said; and there, instead, Pietro and I
? found ourselves at the center of a big reception, in a very aristocratic
? Florentine dwelling, among a large number of relatives of the Airotas and
? famous and very famous people who lingered until evening. My husband became
? taciturn, I wondered, bewildered, why, since in fact it was a celebration for
? my wedding, I had had to be limited to inviting only my immediate family. I
? said to Pietro:
“你知道這是怎么回事兒嗎？”
“Did you know this was happening?”
“不知道。”
“No.”
剛開始，我們一起面對這個局面。但很快，他就擺脫了他母親和姐姐，因為她們想要把他介紹給這個介紹給那個，他躲在一個角落里，和我的父母待在一起，一直在和他們聊天。剛開始我有些不自在，但只能順?biāo)浦?，慢慢地?xí)慣了我們落入的陷阱，但后來我漸漸覺得很興奮，因為我面對的那些人是有名的政治家、高級知識分子、年輕的革命者，甚至有一位非常有名的詩人和一位小說家，他們都對我和我的小說表示出極大的興趣，他們贊揚了我在《團(tuán)結(jié)報》上發(fā)表的文章。時間飛快地過去了，我感覺自己完全融入了艾羅塔的世界。我公公甚至把我拉到他身邊，很客氣地問了我關(guān)于工廠工作的問題。很快，有很多人聚集在一起，都是致力于在報紙和雜志上討論勞工問題的那些人，我們討論了在整個國家掀起的各種勞動者請愿的浪潮。我就在那兒和他們在一起討論，那天晚上是我的節(jié)日，我是整個談話的中心。
For a while we confronted the situation
? together. But soon he evaded the attempts of his mother and sister to
? introduce him to this man, to that woman; he entrenched himself in a corner
? with my relatives and talked to them the whole time. At first I resigned
? myself, somewhat uneasily, to inhabiting the trap we had fallen into, then I
? began to find it exciting that well-*-known poet and a famous novelist showed
? interest in me, in my book, and spoke admiringly of my articles in l’Unità.
? The time flew by, I felt more and more accepted in the world of the Airotas.
? Even my father-*-law wanted to detain me, questioning me kindly on my
? knowledge of labor matters. A small group formed, of people engaged in the
? debate, in newspapers and journals, over the tide of demands that was rising
? in Italy. And me, here I was, with them, and it was my celebration, and I was
? at the center of the conversation.
我公公后來提到了一篇發(fā)表在《工人世界》上的文章，他說那篇文章寫得很好，一針見血地指出了意大利的民主問題。文章里列舉了一系列數(shù)據(jù)，揭示出電視、大報紙、學(xué)校、大學(xué)還有法律機(jī)構(gòu)，整天為一種已經(jīng)確立的意識形態(tài)服務(wù)，所以選舉也有很多弄虛作假的成分，工人階級的黨派永遠(yuǎn)不會有足夠的選票來統(tǒng)治這個國家。這篇文章有理有據(jù)，引用了很多別的文章。最后艾羅塔教授用他充滿權(quán)威的語氣，提到了那篇文章的作者——喬瓦尼·薩拉托雷，也就是說尼諾——在他說出這個名字之前，我已經(jīng)知道是他了。我當(dāng)時非常高興，情不自已地說，我認(rèn)識他。因為阿黛爾也認(rèn)識尼諾，我讓阿黛爾對她丈夫，還有在場的人說，我的這個那不勒斯的朋友是多么才華橫溢。
At some point, my father-*-law warmly
? praised an essay, published in Mondo Operaio, that in his view laid out the
? problem of democracy in Italy with crystalline intelligence. Drawing on a
? large number of facts, the piece demonstrated that, as long as the state
? television, the big papers, the schools, the universities, the judiciary
? worked day after day to solidify the dominant ideology, the electoral system
? would in fact be rigged, and the workers’ parties would never have enough
? votes to govern. Nods of assent, supporting citations, references to this
? article and that one. Finally, Professor Airota, with all his authority,
? mentioned the name of the author of the article, and I knew even before he
? uttered it—Giovanni Sarratore—that it was Nino. I was so happy that I
? couldn’t contain myself, I said I knew him, I called Adele over to confirm to
? her husband and the others how brilliant my Neapolitan friend was.
尼諾雖然沒有出現(xiàn)，但他也參與了我的婚禮，提到他的時候，我感覺有必要說一下我自己，我開始參與工人斗爭的原因。我說，需要給他們提供幫助，使左派政黨和議會代表能盡快趕上來，要讓他們了解到現(xiàn)在的政治和經(jīng)濟(jì)局勢，以及其他我剛剛學(xué)會，但已經(jīng)能自如運用的東西。我感覺自己很棒，我的心情越來越好。我喜歡站在我公公婆婆的身邊，感到自己被他們的朋友們所欣賞。最后，我家人很羞怯地向我告別，他們要離開，不知道要在哪里待著，等第一輛開往那不勒斯的火車。我一點也不想忍受彼得羅的怨氣，他也應(yīng)該感受到了這一點，因為他先軟了下來，我們之間的關(guān)系緩和了。
Nino was present at my wedding even if he
? wasn’t present, and speaking of him I felt authorized to talk also about
? myself, about the reasons I had become involved in the workers’ struggle,
? about the need to provide the parties and parliamentary representatives on
? the left with hard data so that they could address the delays in their
? understanding of the current political and economic period, and so on with
? other stock phrases I had learned only recently but used with assurance. I
? felt clever. My mood brightened; I enjoyed being with my in-laws and feeling
? admired by their friends. At the end, when my relatives timidly said goodbye
? and hurried off somewhere to wait for the first train to take them back to
? Naples, I no longer felt irritated with Pietro. He must have realized it,
? because he, in turn, softened, and the tension vanished.
我們一到住的地方，門在身后關(guān)上，我們就開始做愛。剛開始的時候，我覺得很喜歡，但這一天還發(fā)生了另一件讓我驚訝的事情。安東尼奧，我的第一個男朋友，當(dāng)他在我身上磨蹭的時候，他的高潮很快就會來，也很強(qiáng)烈；弗朗科在做的時候，會一直強(qiáng)忍著，后來會喘著氣，抽身而出，或者他戴著避孕套時，他會忽然停下來，會在我耳邊笑，他整個人壓下來，好像整個人變得很沉重。我覺得，彼得羅的時間長到無邊無盡。他深思熟慮，非常有力地沖擊著我，剛開始的快感慢慢減弱了，他的節(jié)奏很單調(diào)，而且時間很長，讓我的肚子疼。因為長時間的辛苦，讓他出了一身汗，看到他臉上和脖子上的全是汗，摸著他滿是汗的背，再加上疼痛，我的欲望全部消失了。但他沒有察覺到這一點，他一直在用力、有節(jié)奏地進(jìn)入我的身體，一直都沒停下來。我不知道該怎么辦，我撫摸著他，我對他說了很多甜言蜜語，我希望他能停下來。當(dāng)他最后大聲呻吟著停下來時，我覺得他很感性，盡管我感到又疼又不滿足。
As soon as we got to our apartment and
? closed the door we began to make love. At first it was very pleasurable, but
? the day reserved for me yet another surprising fact. Antonio, my first
? boyfriend, when he rubbed against me was quick and intense; Franco made great
? efforts to contain himself but at a certain point he pulled away with a gasp,
? or when he had a condom stopped suddenly and seemed to become heavier,
? crushing me under his weight and laughing in my ear. Pietro, on the other
? hand, strained for a time that seemed endless. His thrusting was deliberate,
? violent, so that the initial pleasure slowly diminished, overwhelmed by the
? monotonous insistence and the hurt I felt in my stomach. He was covered with
? sweat from his long exertions, maybe from suffering, and when I saw his damp
? face and neck, touched his wet back, desire disappeared completely. But he
? didn’t realize it, he continued to withdraw and then sink into me forcefully,
? rhythmically, without stopping. I didn’t know what to do. I caressed him, I
? whispered words of love, and yet I hoped that he would stop. When he exploded
? with a roar and collapsed, finally exhausted, I was content, even though I
? was hurting and unsatisfied.
他在床上沒待多久就起床了，他去了洗手間。我等了他幾分鐘，但我太累了，就睡了過去，我后來忽然驚醒，發(fā)現(xiàn)他并沒有回到床上。我看他在書房，坐在書桌前。
He didn’t stay in bed long; he got up and
? went to the bathroom. I waited for him for a few minutes, but I was tired, I
? fell asleep. I woke with a start after an hour and realized that he hadn’t
? come back to bed. I found him in his study, at the desk.
“你在做什么？”
“What are you doing?”
他對我微笑了一下，說：
He smiled at me.
“工作。”
“I’m working.”
“你來睡覺吧?！?/p>
“Come to bed.”
“你先去睡，我馬上來。”
“You go, I’ll join you later.”
我確信，我就是在那天晚上懷孕的。
I’m sure that I became pregnant that
? night.
-*-
63
我發(fā)現(xiàn)自己懷孕了，馬上變得非常不安，我給我母親打電話。盡管我們之間一直都充滿矛盾，但在當(dāng)時的情況下，我非常需要她。那是一個錯誤，她馬上變得讓人討厭。她想馬上出發(fā)，來我這里幫助我，引導(dǎo)我，她還想把我?guī)Щ爻菂^(qū)，讓我生活在她家里，把我交到一個老接生婆，就是給她所有孩子接生的那個女人的手里。我很難聽進(jìn)去她的話，我跟她說，我婆婆有個朋友，是個婦科醫(yī)生、大教授，他在給我做檢查，我會在他的診所里生孩子。她生氣了，她一字一句地對我說：“你更愛你婆婆，不喜歡我，那你就不要給我打電話了?！?/p>
As soon as I discovered that I was
? expecting a child I was overwhelmed by anxiety and I called my mother.
? Although our relationship had always been contentious, in that situation the
? need to talk to her prevailed. It was a mistake: she immediately started
? nagging. She wanted to leave Naples, settle in with me, help me, guide me,
? or, vice versa, bring me to the neighborhood, have me back in her house,
? entrust me to the old midwife who had delivered all her children. I had a
? hard time putting her off, I said that a gynecologist friend of my
? mother-*-law was looking after me, a great professor, and I would give birth
? in his clinic. She was offended. She hissed: you prefer your mother-*-law to
? me. She didn’t call again.
幾天之后，莉拉給我打了電話。我離開那不勒斯之后，我們通過幾次電話，但通話時間都很短暫，我們不想花太多電話費。那次她很愉快，但我很冷淡，她用開玩笑的語氣，問我新婚生活怎么樣，我很嚴(yán)肅地詢問了她的健康狀況。她發(fā)現(xiàn)有些東西不對勁兒。
After a few days, on the other hand, I
? heard from Lila. We had had some telephone conversations after I left, but
? brief, a few minutes, we didn’t want to spend too much, she cheerful, I
? aloof, she asking ironically about my life as a newlywed, I inquiring
? seriously about her health. This time I realized that something wasn’t right.
“你生我的氣啦？”她問我。
“Are you angry with me?” she asked.
“沒有，為什么我要生你的氣？”
“No, why should I be?”
“你什么都沒跟我說。我聽到這個消息，是因為你母親向所有人炫耀，說你懷孕了。”
“You don’t tell me anything. I got the
? news only because your mother is bragging to everyone that you’re pregnant.”
“我也是才知道的?！?/p>
“I just got the confirmation.”
“我還以為你會吃藥呢。”
“I thought you were taking the Pill.”
我覺得很尷尬。
I was embarrassed.
“后來我決定不吃?！?/p>
“Yes, but then I decided not to.”
“為什么呢？”
“Why?”
“因為時間不等人?！?/p>
“The years are passing.”
“你要寫的書呢？”
“And the book you’re supposed to write?”
“你會看到的?！?/p>
“I’ll see later.”
“記住你說的。”
“You’d better.”
“我會盡力的?！?/p>
“I’ll do what I can.”
“你應(yīng)該盡全力?！?/p>
“You have to do the maximum.”
“我會嘗試的。”
“I’ll try.”
“我在吃藥呢?！?/p>
“I’m taking the Pill.”
“所以，你和恩佐還好？”
“So with Enzo it’s going well?”
“相當(dāng)好，但我再也不想懷孕了。”
“Pretty well, but I don’t ever want to be
? pregnant again.”
她不說話了，我也什么都沒說。當(dāng)她再次開口時，她不但跟我講了她第一次懷孕的感覺，也講了第二次懷孕的感受，她說兩次都非常糟糕的體驗。她說：“第二次，我很確信那個孩子是尼諾的，盡管我很不舒服，但我心里很高興，但無論你高不高興，你看，你的身體在遭罪，在變形，太痛苦了?！睆哪强讨?，她的語氣越來越陰沉了，那都是她曾經(jīng)告訴過我的事情，但她從來都沒像現(xiàn)在這樣，要把我拉入她的痛苦，要讓我也感受到她的痛苦。就好像她要我做好準(zhǔn)備，她對我，還有我的未來感到擔(dān)心。她說，另一個人的生命，先是寄居在你肚子里，當(dāng)他徹底出來時，就會囚禁你，會拴住你，你再也不屬于自己。她把她懷孕的每個階段和我的進(jìn)行比較，還是像之前一樣繪聲繪色、入木三分。她感嘆說，那就像你在給自己制造了麻煩。她覺得，我的感覺應(yīng)該和她一樣，她沒法想到她是她，我是我。她也無法理解我的妊娠體驗會和她完全不一樣，對孩子的感覺也完全不一樣。她想當(dāng)然地認(rèn)為，我也會遇到同樣的困難。假如我在孕期感到快樂和幸福，她一定會覺得這是一種背叛。
She was silent, and I didn’t say
? anything, either. When she began talking once more, she told me about the
? first time she had realized she was expecting a baby, and the second. She
? described both as terrible experiences: the second time, she said, I was sure
? the baby was Nino’s and even though I felt sick I was happy. But, happy or
? not, you’ll see, the body suffers, it doesn’t like losing its shape, there’s
? too much pain. From there she went on in a crescendo that got darker and
? darker, telling me things she had told me before but never with the same
? desire to pull me into her suffering, so that I, too, would feel it. She
? seemed to want to prepare me for what awaited me, she was very worried about
? me and my future. This life of another, she said, clings to you in the womb
? first and then, when it finally comes out, it takes you prisoner, keeps you
? on a leash, you’re no longer your own master. With great animation she
? sketched every phase of my maternity, tracing it over hers, expressing
? herself with her habitual effectiveness. It’s as if you fabricated your very
? own torture, she exclaimed, and I realized then that she wasn’t capable of
? thinking that she was her self and I was my self; it seemed to her
? inconceivable that I could have a pregnancy different from hers, and a
? different feeling about children. She so took it for granted that I would
? have the same troubles that she seemed ready to consider any possible joy I
? found in motherhood a betrayal.
我不想再和她說這些，我把聽筒從耳邊拿開了一點，她讓我覺得害怕。我們毫無熱情地說了再見。
I didn’t want to listen to her anymore, I
? held the receiver away from my ear, she was scaring me. We said goodbye
? coolly.
“假如你需要我，”她說，“那你就打聲招呼?！?/p>
“If you need me,” she said, “l(fā)et me
? know.”
“好?！?/p>
“All right.”
“你幫助過我，現(xiàn)在我想幫你?！?/p>
“You helped me, now I want to help you.”
“好?！?/p>
“All right.”
和她通話對我一點兒幫助也沒有，相反，她讓我覺得更加不安。我生活在一個陌生的城市，雖然在我丈夫的帶領(lǐng)下，我已經(jīng)熟悉它的角角落落，對于那不勒斯，我都不能說有那么了解。我很喜歡阿諾河，我經(jīng)常在河岸上散步，但我不喜歡那些房子的顏色，那些房子會讓我心情很壞。還有這個城市居民那種討厭的語氣，我住的那棟房子的門房、賣肉的、賣面包的，還有郵遞員都讓我覺得討厭，我對這個城市無緣無故就產(chǎn)生了抵觸。還有，我公公婆婆的那些朋友，他們在結(jié)婚那天顯得那么熱情，但之后就再也沒出現(xiàn)過，彼得羅也沒有和他們再見面的意思。我感到又孤單又脆弱。我買了一些書，說的是如何成為完美的母親，我像往常一樣刻苦讀了起來。
That phone call didn’t help me at all;
? rather, it left me unsettled. I lived in a city I knew nothing about, even if
? thanks to Pietro I now was acquainted with every corner of it, which I could
? not say of Naples. I loved the path along the river, I took beautiful walks,
? but I didn’t like the color of the houses, it put me in a bad mood. The
? teasing tone of the inhabitants—the porter in our building, the butcher, the
? baker, the mailman—incited me to become teasing, too, and a hostility with no
? motivation emerged from it. And then the many friends of my in-laws, so
? available on the day of the wedding, had never showed up again, nor did
? Pietro have any intention of seeing them. I felt alone and fragile. I bought
? some books on how to become a perfect mother and prepared with my usual
? diligence.
日子一天天過去，一周一周過去，讓我驚異的是，懷孕這件事情并不是一種負(fù)擔(dān)，反倒讓我很輕盈。那種惡心的感覺很輕微，我的身體沒變得虛弱，我的心情也沒有受到影響，我還是像之前那樣，想做什么做什么。在我懷孕三個月時，我的書獲得了一項比較重要的獎項，這給我?guī)砹烁嗦曌u，還有一些錢。盡管當(dāng)時的政治氣氛很排斥那個獎項，但我還是去領(lǐng)獎了，我為自己感到驕傲，身體和精神上的實現(xiàn)，讓我忘記了羞怯，我變得很開朗。在致謝的發(fā)言中，我講得太多，我說我感覺很幸福，就像宇航員走在白色的月球上。幾天之后，我感覺自己很強(qiáng)大，就給莉拉打了電話，跟她講了那個獎項的事情。我想告訴她，事情并不像她預(yù)測的那樣糟糕，我現(xiàn)在一切順利，我很滿意。我感覺自己那么得意，我想超越她帶給我的不安。莉拉在《晨報》上看到了那則消息，還有我說的關(guān)于宇航員的話——那不勒斯的報紙用幾行文字談到這了個獎。還沒等我告訴她這個獎項的事，她就很辛辣地批評我了。她諷刺說，白色的月球上？有時候最好閉嘴，也不要說這些廢話。然后她補充說，月亮是一塊大石頭，是幾十億石頭中的一塊，石頭就是石頭，你最好腳踏實地，面對地球上的這些麻煩。
Days passed, weeks, but, surprisingly,
? the pregnancy didn’t weigh on me at all; in fact it made me feel light. The
? nausea was negligible, I felt no breakdown in my body, in my mood, in the
? wish to be active. I was in the fourth month when my book received an
? important prize that brought me greater fame and a little more money. I went
? to the prize ceremony in spite of the political climate, which was hostile to
? that type of recognition, feeling that I was in a state of grace; I was proud
? of myself, with a sense of physical and intellectual fullness that made me
? bold, expansive. In the thank-you speech I went overboard, I said I felt as
? happy as the astronauts on the white expanse of the moon. A couple of days
? later, since I felt strong, I telephoned Lila to tell her about the prize. I
? wanted to let her know that things were not going as she had predicted, that
? in fact they were going smoothly, that I was satisfied. I felt so pleased
? with myself that I wanted to skip over the unhappiness she had caused me. But
? Lila had read in Il Mattino—only the Naples papers had devoted a few lines to
? the prize—that phrase of mine about the astronauts, and, without giving me
? time to speak, she criticized me harshly. The white expanse of the moon, she
? said ironically, sometimes it’s better to say nothing than to talk nonsense.
? And she added that the moon was a rock among billions of other rocks, and
? that, as far as rocks go, the best thing was to stand with your feet planted
? firmly in the troubles of the earth.
我感覺胃里一陣絞痛。她為什么要這樣傷害我？她不希望我幸福嗎？或者她一直都沒有好起來，是她的心臟病一直在增強(qiáng)她邪惡的一面？我想說一些難聽話，但我沒法說出口。而她就好像根本沒有意識到她已經(jīng)傷害到我了，就好像她覺得自己有權(quán)利傷害我。接著她用一種友好的語氣，跟我講她的事情，她已經(jīng)和她哥哥、母親甚至是父親和好了。她和米凱萊·索拉拉因為鞋子的牌子，還有他應(yīng)付給里諾的錢的問題發(fā)生了爭執(zhí)。她還和斯特凡諾進(jìn)行交涉，希望從經(jīng)濟(jì)角度，他能做詹納羅的父親，而不只是給瑪麗亞當(dāng)父親。無論是針對她哥哥里諾，還是針對索拉拉兄弟和斯特凡諾，她都說了一些非常惱怒的話，有時候很粗俗。最后她問我，就好像真的迫切需要我的看法：“我做得對嗎？”我沒回答她。我得了一個獎，她只記得我說的關(guān)于宇航員的話。也許是為了刺激她，我問，她還有沒有那種腦子連不上線的感覺。她說沒有，她重復(fù)了好幾次，說自己很好，只是有時候，我用眼睛余光看到，有人從家具里出來。她說這些話時，還帶著一種自嘲的笑。后來她問我，懷孕怎么樣了？很好，非常好，我說，我從來都沒這么好過。
I felt a viselike grip in my stomach. Why
? did she continue to wound me? Didn’t she want me to be happy? Or maybe she
? hadn’t recovered and her illness had heightened her mean side? Bitter words
? came to me, but I couldn’t utter them. As if she didn’t even realize she had
? hurt me, or as if she felt she had the right, she went on to tell me what was
? happening to her, in a very friendly tone. She had made peace with her
? brother, with her mother, even with her father; she had quarreled with
? Michele Solara on the old matter of the label on the shoes and the money he
? owed Rino; she had been in touch with Stefano to claim that, at least from
? the economic point of view, he should act as Gennaro’s father, too, and not
? just Maria’s. Her remarks were irascible, sometimes vulgar: against Rino, the
? Solaras, Stefano. And at the end she asked, as if she had an urgent need for
? my opinion: Did I do the right thing? I didn’t answer. I had won an important
? prize and she had mentioned only that phrase about the astronauts. I asked
? her, maybe to offend her, if she still had those symptoms that unglued her
? head from her body. She said no, she repeated a couple of times that she was
? very well, she said with a mocking laugh: Only, sometimes out of the corner
? of my eye I see people coming out of the furniture. Then she asked me: Is
? everything all right with the pregnancy? Good, very good, I said, never felt
? better.
那幾個月，我經(jīng)常出行，我經(jīng)常受到邀請，不僅僅是因為那本書，也因為我寫的一些文章。為了寫這些文章，有時候我不得不出去，近距離接觸罷工的新形式，還有老板們的反應(yīng)。我從來都沒想過自己會成為一個公共知識分子。我做這些事讓我很高興，我感覺自己在桀驁不馴、充滿力量地進(jìn)行反抗，我柔順的外表是一種喬裝。實際上，因為這個緣故，我混跡在工廠門口的人群里，我和男女工人，還有工會的人談話，我在警察中間游走，我一點兒也不害怕。農(nóng)業(yè)銀行被炸時，我當(dāng)時在米蘭的出版社里，但我一點兒也不擔(dān)心，我沒有不祥的預(yù)兆。我覺得，我是那種無法抵擋的力量中的一股，我感覺自己堅不可摧，沒人能傷害到我，還有我肚子里的孩子。我們倆是一體的，是一種持久的存在，我是拋頭露面的，他（或者她——彼得羅希望那是一個男孩）到現(xiàn)在還看不到。剩下的就是一溜風(fēng)、一陣陣聲音和影像，無論是好是壞，都構(gòu)成了我工作的材料，這些東西要么隨風(fēng)而逝，要么就成為我寫作的材料，通過神奇的語言，變成一個故事、一篇文章或者一段公眾演講，我根本就不在乎我說的、我寫的符不符合社會規(guī)范，或者說艾羅塔一家、出版社、尼諾喜不喜歡這些，尼諾一定在某個地方看著我寫的這些東西，帕斯卡萊、娜迪雅和莉拉也一定會看到，為什么不呢？他們一定會想著：看吧，我們曾經(jīng)對萊農(nóng)不公正，她一直站在我們這邊，你看看她寫得這些東西。
I traveled a lot in those months. I was
? invited here and there not only because of my book but also because of the
? articles I was writing, which in turn forced me to travel to see close up the
? new kinds of strike, the reactions of the owners. I never thought of trying
? to become a freelance journalist. I did it because doing it I was happy. I
? felt disobedient, in revolt and inflated with such power that my meekness
? seemed a disguise. In fact it enabled me to join the pickets in front of the
? factories, to talk to workers, both men and women, and to union officials, to
? slip out among the policemen. Nothing frightened me. When the Banca di
? Agricoltura in Milan was bombed I was in the city, at the publisher’s, but I
? wasn’t alarmed, I didn’t have dark presentiments. I thought of myself as part
? of an unstoppable force, I thought I was invulnerable. No one could hurt me
? and my child. We two were the only enduring reality, I visible and he (or
? she: but Pietro wanted a boy) for now invisible. The rest was a flow of air,
? an immaterial wave of images and sounds that, whether disastrous or
? beneficial, constituted material for my work. It passed by or it loomed so
? that I could put it into magic words in a story, an article, a speech, taking
? care that nothing ended up outside the frame, and that every concept pleased
? the Airotas, the publishing house, Nino, who surely somewhere was reading me,
? even Pasquale, why not, and Nadia, and Lila, all of whom would finally have
? to think: Look, we were wrong about Lena, she’s on our side, see what she’s
? writing.
我懷孕的那個階段是一個非?；钴S的時期。讓我驚異的是，懷孕之后，我更渴望做愛了。是我在激發(fā)彼得羅的興致，我擁抱他，吻他，盡管他對于接吻沒什么興趣，想馬上進(jìn)入主題，用他那種長時間的、疼痛的方式折磨我，然后他會起身，一直工作到很晚。我睡一兩個小時之后會醒來，我在床上找不見他，就會打開燈讀書，一直到疲倦為止。這時候，我會去他的房間，讓他來上床睡覺，他會聽我的話，但一大早就會起來，就好像他很畏懼睡眠，而我卻睡到中午。
It was a particularly intense time, that
? period of the pregnancy. It surprised me that being pregnant made me more
? eager to make love. It was I who initiated it, embraced Pietro, kissing him,
? even though he had no interest in kissing and began almost immediately to
? make love in that prolonged, painful way of his. Afterward he got up and
? worked until late. I slept for an hour or two, then I woke up, found him
? gone, turned on the light, and read until I was tired. Then I went to his
? room, insisted that he come to bed. He obeyed, but he got up early: sleep
? seemed to frighten him. Whereas I slept until midday.
只有一件事情讓我很不安。那時候，我已經(jīng)懷孕到了第七個月了，我的肚子很大、很沉重。我在新比隆的柵欄門那兒，當(dāng)時發(fā)生了沖突，我趕緊逃走了。也許是因為我做了一個不該做的動作，不知道為什么，我忽然感覺右邊的臀部一陣劇痛，一直延續(xù)到整條腿，就好像一根熱的鐵棍。我一瘸一拐回到家里，躺到了床上，慢慢等著劇痛過去了。但那種疼痛時不時會再出現(xiàn)，就是大腿和腹溝那里疼。我慢慢習(xí)慣了這種疼痛，嘗試變換不同的姿勢待著來緩解那種疼痛，但當(dāng)我察覺到，我走路一瘸一拐的，我感到很害怕。我去了那個給我定期檢查的大夫那里。他讓我放心，他說一切都正常，我肚子里的孩子越來越重，這引起了我的坐骨神經(jīng)痛。為什么您要那么擔(dān)心呢？他很溫和地問，您一直都是一個開朗的人。我說，我不知道我為什么那么擔(dān)憂。我說謊了，實際上我心里很清楚，我很擔(dān)心我母親的腳步在我的身上得到印證，我會像她那樣一瘸一拐的。
There was only one event that distressed
? me. I was in my seventh month and my belly was heavy. I was outside the Nuovo
? Pignone factory when scuffles broke out, and I hurried away. Maybe I made a
? wrong movement, I don’t know, I felt a painful spasm in the center of my
? right buttock that extended along my leg like a hot wire. I limped home, went
? to bed, and it passed. But every so often the pain reappeared, radiating
? through my thigh toward my groin. I learned to respond by finding positions
? that alleviated it, but when I realized that I was starting to limp all the
? time I was terrified, and I went to the gynecologist. He reassured me, saying
? that everything was in order, the weight I was carrying in my womb tired me
? out, causing this slight sciatica. Why are you so worried, he asked in an
? affectionate tone, you’re such a serene person. I lied, I said I didn’t know.
? In reality I knew perfectly well: I was afraid that my mother’s gait had
? caught up with me, that she had settled in my body, that I would limp
? forever, like her.
婦科醫(yī)生對我說了一番安慰的話，我平靜下來了，我的疼痛又持續(xù)了一陣子，最后消失了。彼得羅禁止我做其他瘋狂的事情，他不讓我跑來跑去的。我聽他的，在懷孕的最后階段，我一直在家里看書，幾乎什么都沒寫。
I was soothed by the reassurances of the
? gynecologist; the pain lasted for a while longer, then disappeared. Pietro
? forbade me to do other foolish things, no more running around. I admitted
? that he was right, and spent the last weeks of my pregnancy reading; I wrote
? almost nothing. Our daughter was born on February 12, 1970, at
? five-*-in-*-haired, a violet organism that, full of energy, writhed and
? wailed, I felt a physical pleasure so piercing that I still know no other
? pleasure that compares to it. We didn’t baptize her; my mother screamed
? terrible things on the telephone, she swore she would never come to see her.
? She’ll calm down, I thought, sadly, and anyway if she doesn’t it’s her loss.
我們的女兒是一九七〇年二月十二日早上五點半出生的。我們叫她阿黛爾，盡管我婆婆一直在說：“可憐的孩子，阿黛爾是一個很糟糕的名字，你們還是給她另取個名字吧，什么名字都比這個好?！痹诮?jīng)歷了劇烈的陣痛之后，我生下了這個孩子，但疼痛時間不是很長。當(dāng)孩子生出來之后，我看著她漆黑的頭發(fā)，發(fā)紫的小身體在扭動著，哭得很有力氣，我感到一種無法言說的愉悅，在此之前，我還從來沒感受過類似的愉悅。我們沒給孩子舉行洗禮，我母親在電話里說了很多難聽話，她發(fā)誓說，她不會來看這個孩子。我想，她會平靜下來的，我忽然傷心起來了，假如她不來，那是她的損失。我一能起身就打電話給莉拉，我要盡快告訴她，我已經(jīng)生產(chǎn)了，我不希望她生氣。
As soon as I was back on my feet I
? telephoned Lila, I didn’t want her to be angry that I hadn’t told her
? anything.
“這是一種非常棒的體驗?！蔽覍λf。
“It was a wonderful experience,” I told
? her.
“什么？”
“What?”
“懷孕生子，阿黛爾很漂亮，而且很乖。”
“The pregnancy, the birth. Adele is
? beautiful, and very good.”
她回答說：
She answered:?
“每個人想怎么描述自己的生活都可以?！?/p>
“Each of us narrates our life as it suits
? us.”
