本文作者Darlene Lancer
了解更多關(guān)于作者的信息，請(qǐng)移步：http://www.whatiscodependency.com/https://www.facebook.com/darlene.lancer?fref=nf
Attachment style reflects self-esteem
依戀附著類型反應(yīng)自尊
As a result of their insecurity, shame, and impaired self-esteem, children develop anattachment stylethat, to varying degrees, is anxious or avoidant. They?develop anxious and avoidant attachment styles and behave like pursuers and distancers described in “The Dance of Intimacy.” At the extreme ends, some individuals cannot tolerate either being alone or too close; either one creates intolerable pain.
Anxiety can lead you to sacrifice your needs and please and accommodate your partner. Due to basic insecurity, you’re preoccupied with the relationship and highly attuned to your partner, worrying that he or she wants less closeness. But because you don’t get your needs met, you become unhappy. Adding to this, you take things personally with a negative twist, projecting negative outcomes. Low self-esteem makes you hide your truth so as not to “make waves,” which compromises real intimacy. You may also be jealous of your partner’s attention to others and call or text frequently, even when asked not to. By repeated attempts to seek reassurance, you unintentionally push your partner away even further. Both of you end up unhappy.
他們的不安全感，羞恥羞愧心和受損的自尊而產(chǎn)生的結(jié)果就是孩子們發(fā)展出一種依戀附著類型，程度是變化的，是焦慮或者有回避的反應(yīng)。就像“親密關(guān)系的舞蹈”中所描述的，他們發(fā)展出有焦慮和回避反應(yīng)的附著類型并在人際關(guān)系中表現(xiàn)地好像追求者和測(cè)距儀。在最極端的結(jié)果中，一些個(gè)體不能忍受要么獨(dú)自一人或者要么太近的關(guān)系；任何一個(gè)都會(huì)產(chǎn)生不可容忍的傷痛。
焦慮會(huì)導(dǎo)致你犧牲自己的需求和去取悅和容納適應(yīng)及供應(yīng)你的伙伴。由于基本的不安全感，你會(huì)對(duì)人際關(guān)系斤斤計(jì)較并且為你的伙伴而高度協(xié)調(diào)，擔(dān)憂他/她想要少一點(diǎn)親密。但是因?yàn)槟銢](méi)有滿足你的需求，你變得不開心。加上這點(diǎn)，你把事情當(dāng)成個(gè)體的事情并且對(duì)它有一個(gè)消極扭曲的態(tài)度，突出負(fù)面的結(jié)果。低自尊使你隱藏你的事實(shí)情況以便不成為“興風(fēng)作浪”的人，而對(duì)真正的親密關(guān)系妥協(xié)退讓。你可能也是嫉妒你同伴對(duì)于其他人和對(duì)于電話或者頻繁的簡(jiǎn)訊往來(lái)行為的注意力，即使在被要求不要這樣嫉妒的時(shí)候。用重復(fù)的嘗試去尋求安心，你無(wú)意的行為把你的同伴推得更遠(yuǎn)。你們雙方的關(guān)系以不開心而告終。
Avoiders, as the term implies, avoid closeness and intimacy through distancing behaviors, such as flirting, making unilateral decisions, addiction, ignoring their partner, or dismissing his or her feelings and needs. This creates tension in the relationship, usually voiced by the anxious partner. Because avoiders are hypervigilant about their partner’s attempts to control or limit their autonomy in any way, they then distance themselves even more. Neither style contributes to satisfying relationships.
躲避，就像這個(gè)術(shù)語(yǔ)暗含著是在保持距離的行為中避開親密和親密行為，就像打情罵俏，制造單邊的決定，成癮，忽視他們的同伴，或者不予考慮他/她的感受和需求。這都在關(guān)系中創(chuàng)造了緊張的氛圍，通常由焦慮的同伴來(lái)表達(dá)。因?yàn)槎惚苁菍?duì)于他們同伴用任何方式嘗試去控制或者限制他們的自主權(quán)的行為的過(guò)分警惕，然后他們會(huì)在他們之間有比從前更多的距離。兩個(gè)類型都不能對(duì)于令人滿意的關(guān)系有貢獻(xiàn)。
Communication reveals self-esteem
交流揭示了自尊的狀態(tài)
Dysfunctional families lack good communication skills that intimate relationships require. Not only are they important to any relationship, they also reflect self-esteem. They involve speaking clearly, honestly, concisely, and assertively, and the ability to listen, as well. They require that you know and are able to clearly communicate your needs, wants, and feelings, including the ability to set boundaries. The more intimate the relationship, the more important and more difficult practicing these skills becomes.
不正常的家庭缺乏對(duì)于親密關(guān)系所需要的良好交流技巧。不僅是它們對(duì)于任何人際關(guān)系都很重要，而是它們也反映了自尊的狀態(tài)。它們包含在清晰的表述，誠(chéng)實(shí)的表述，簡(jiǎn)明的表述，獨(dú)斷的表述，也包含在傾聽的能力中。它們需要你知道并且能夠清晰地交流你的需求，愿望和感受，包括能夠設(shè)置界限的能力。人際關(guān)系越親密，操練這些交流技巧就變得越來(lái)越重要和困難。
Codependents generally have problems with assertiveness. At the same time, they deny their feelings and needs, due to the fact that they were shamed or ignored in their childhood. They also consciously suppress what they think and feel so as not to anger or alienate their partner and risk criticism or emotional abandonment. Instead, they rely on mindreading, asking questions, caretaking, blaming, lying, criticizing, avoiding problems or ignoring or controlling their partner. They learn these strategies from the dysfunctional communication witnessed in their families growing up. But these behaviors are problematic in themselves and can lead to escalating conflict, characterized by attacks, blame, and withdrawal. Walls get erected that block openness, closeness, and happiness. ?Sometimes, a partner seeks closeness with a third person, threatening the stability of the relationship.
通?；ハ嘁蕾嚬泊鏁?huì)有過(guò)分自信的問(wèn)題。與此同時(shí)他們否定他們的感受和需求，因?yàn)樗麄冊(cè)谕陼r(shí)期有被羞辱或者被忽視的事實(shí)經(jīng)歷。為了不使他們的同伴生氣和疏遠(yuǎn)，自身受到批評(píng)或者在情感上被遺棄，他們會(huì)同樣會(huì)有意識(shí)地壓抑他們自己的所想和所感。相反地，他們依靠心靈感應(yīng)，提出問(wèn)題，照管，責(zé)備，說(shuō)謊，批評(píng)，避免問(wèn)題或者忽視或者控制他們的同伴。在他們的家庭成長(zhǎng)中被見證了不正常的交流而使他們學(xué)到這些策略。但是這些行為對(duì)他們自身是有問(wèn)題的并且會(huì)導(dǎo)致逐步升級(jí)的沖突，以攻擊，責(zé)備，撤回為行為特征。人際關(guān)系中的墻直立，阻止公開，親密和幸福。有時(shí)候一個(gè)同伴會(huì)向一個(gè)第三方的人物尋求親近，這樣威脅了關(guān)系的穩(wěn)定性。
?Darlene Lancer 2016
達(dá)琳藍(lán)瑟于2016
