The beautiful, hard work of co-parenting
演講者：Joel Leon
語(yǔ)言：英語(yǔ)
簡(jiǎn)介：2019 |??講故事的人和父親喬爾·萊昂（Joel Leon）說(shuō)，“共同育兒”不是流行語(yǔ)，它是一種公開(kāi)，始終如一，充滿(mǎn)愛(ài)心地向家人展示的方式。在這個(gè)動(dòng)人的演講中，他向所有父母挑戰(zhàn)，要求他們?cè)诤⒆拥娜粘Ｉ钪邪缪萜降?，積極的角色，即使在這個(gè)世界上，往往是母親獨(dú)自承擔(dān)著犧牲的重?fù)?dān)。萊昂鼓勵(lì)有關(guān)養(yǎng)育子女的細(xì)微對(duì)話，并提醒我們，做父母不是責(zé)任，而是機(jī)會(huì)。
???中英對(duì)照翻譯
My name is Joel, and I'm a co-parent.
我是喬爾，一名承擔(dān)共同撫養(yǎng)子女義務(wù)的父親。
So, growing up, I never heard the term "co-parent." I heard a lot of other things, though, for starters, "absentee father," "sperm donor" -- that's a good one -- "deadbeat dad" and, my personal favorite, "baby daddy." "Baby daddy," for those not in the know, refers to an individual who helps to conceive a child but does little else.
在我的成長(zhǎng)過(guò)程中，我從未聽(tīng)說(shuō)過(guò)“共同撫養(yǎng)”這個(gè)詞，盡管對(duì)于新手而言，我聽(tīng)說(shuō)過(guò)其他的詞，“缺席父親”，“精子捐獻(xiàn)者”——聽(tīng)起來(lái)不錯(cuò)——“老賴(lài)爹（deadbeat dad）”，還有我自己最喜歡的——“寶爸（baby daddy）”。給不知道的人科普一下，“寶爸”是指一個(gè)幫助懷孕，而卻不對(duì)此負(fù)責(zé)的父親。
Baby daddy is also someone who is not married by law to the mother of said child. Growing up, I thought "co-parent" was reserved primarily for white families that starred in Netflix prime-time dramas.
“寶爸”也是在法律上沒(méi)有與孩子的母親結(jié)婚的人。成長(zhǎng)過(guò)程中，我曾以為“共同撫養(yǎng)”一詞是針對(duì)在Netflix黃金檔電視劇中那些白人家庭而言的。
It still kind of does. But it wasn't used to explain the role of a parent. Right? Either you had kids or you didn't, and no one in my social circles or a tour dinner table was having complex conversations about the role fathers played in that conversation, right??
這似乎也說(shuō)得通，但“共同撫養(yǎng)”并不曾用來(lái)解釋父母的角色，對(duì)吧？不管你是否有孩子，在我的社交圈里或在我們聚餐時(shí)，沒(méi)有人會(huì)圍繞父親的角色進(jìn)行復(fù)雜的討論，不是嗎？
A more balanced, open, loving approach to parenting was not something we were discussing within our social circles. A majority of the time, the fathers I knew of growing up were barely present or just completely nonexistent. "Co-parent" wasn't a term I heard or saw where I grew up, where I came from.
一種更公平、開(kāi)放且充滿(mǎn)關(guān)愛(ài)的撫養(yǎng)方法不是我們?cè)谧约旱纳缃蝗锷娅C的話題。大部分時(shí)間里，我所知道的父親們?cè)谒麄兒⒆映砷L(zhǎng)過(guò)程中幾乎不出現(xiàn)，或者根本不存在。在我出生和成長(zhǎng)的地方，我不曾聽(tīng)說(shuō)過(guò)或見(jiàn)過(guò)“共同撫養(yǎng)”。
I come from the hood. That hood would be Creston Avenue, 188th in the Bronx. And for -- one person, that's what's up.
我來(lái)自“那個(gè)”街區(qū)，布朗克斯（紐約以高犯罪率著稱(chēng)的貧民區(qū)）克雷斯頓大街188號(hào)。對(duì)，就是這么回事兒。
Appreciate that.
感謝。
For a lot of us in that hood, there was only one person you could already turn to for food, shelter, warmth, love, discipline: our mothers.
在那個(gè)街區(qū)里，對(duì)許多人來(lái)說(shuō)，我們只能指望一個(gè)人，去尋求食物、住處、溫暖、愛(ài)和訓(xùn)導(dǎo)：我們的母親。
My mother, who I playfully call "Linda T," was my first example of real love and what showing up as a healthy co-parent looked like. She was a strong, determined single mother, a woman who would have benefited greatly from having a secure and stable partner as a co-parent.
我開(kāi)玩笑地叫我母親“琳達(dá)·T（LindaT）”，她為真正的愛(ài)做了表率，也有一個(gè)健康的共同撫養(yǎng)者該有的樣子。她是一個(gè)強(qiáng)大、堅(jiān)定的單親母親。作為共同扶養(yǎng)人，她本該擁有一個(gè)可靠穩(wěn)重的伴侶，以減輕她的負(fù)擔(dān)。
So I vowed whenever I got married, my boo and I would be together forever. You know? ?We'd share the same bed and home, we'd sleep under the same covers, we'd argue at IKEA -- normal stuff.
所以我發(fā)誓過(guò)無(wú)論我何時(shí)結(jié)婚，我會(huì)和我的妻子永遠(yuǎn)在一起。很好理解吧？我們會(huì)分享同一張床，共享一個(gè)家。我們會(huì)睡在同一被窩里，會(huì)為了瑣事在宜家里爭(zhēng)吵。
My partner would feel seen and loved, and our children would grow up in a two-parent household.
我的伴侶會(huì)感到被在乎、被疼愛(ài)，我們的孩子會(huì)在有雙親的家庭里長(zhǎng)大。
However, things rarely ever end up how we plan them. Our daughter Lilah has never known a household with both of her parents living together under one roof. Her mother and I were never married. We dated on and off for several months before we found out she was pregnant.?
然而，到頭來(lái)，計(jì)劃沒(méi)有變化快。我們的女兒萊拉從來(lái)都不知道，和父母住在一起的家庭生活是什么樣子。因?yàn)槲液退哪赣H從未結(jié)過(guò)婚。在發(fā)現(xiàn)她懷孕之前，我們斷斷續(xù)續(xù)約會(huì)了幾個(gè)月。
Up until then, my mother didn't even know she existed. I was ashamed, I was embarrassed, and, at times, I was suicidal. I was asking myself, what was I doing? Where was I going wrong? In ever wanted the stigma or label of what some identified as the stereotypical "black father." So: absentee, confrontational, combative, not present.
在那之前，我母親甚至不知道我女友的存在。我感到羞愧，很尷尬，有時(shí)，我還想自殺。我問(wèn)我自己，我在干什么？我哪里做錯(cuò)了？我從不想被羞辱或被稱(chēng)為一些人刻板印象中的“黑人父親”：缺席者、挑釁者、好斗的、“失蹤”的家伙。
It took a lot of work, time, energy and effort for us to finally realize that maybe co-parenting for us didn't need to mean a shared household and wedding bells, that maybe, just maybe, the way we showed up as co-parents lay not only in the layered nuances of our partnership but the capacity within our hearts to tend to a human that we helped create together.
在花費(fèi)大量的工作、時(shí)間、精力和努力后，我們終于意識(shí)到，也許共同撫養(yǎng)對(duì)我們來(lái)說(shuō)并不意味著一定要共享一個(gè)家庭，或必須要談婚論嫁。也許，僅僅是也許，我們以共同撫養(yǎng)者的身份出現(xiàn)的方式，不僅是存在于我們伴侶關(guān)系中有層次的細(xì)微差別，更在于我們?cè)趦?nèi)心深處照顧一個(gè)人的能力，而這個(gè)人是我們共同的結(jié)晶。
It would involve love in a nurturing and safe environment that would feed Lilah long after we both left this earth.
一個(gè)安全的養(yǎng)育環(huán)境里若有了愛(ài)，萊拉在我們都離開(kāi)世界很久以后也會(huì)感到滿(mǎn)足。
Fast-forward four years, and Lilah is now in pre-K. She loves gummies, and she says things like, "My heart is filled with love." She's the most loving, compassionate, empathetic human being I know, and the reason I get to tell you all of this is because she's back in the Bronx with her mother.?
快進(jìn)四年，萊拉現(xiàn)在在學(xué)前班，她非常喜歡軟糖，而且她會(huì)說(shuō)類(lèi)似“我內(nèi)心充滿(mǎn)了愛(ài)”這樣的話。她是我知道的最可愛(ài)、最有同情心、最有同理心的人，而我之所以能把這一切告訴你們，是因?yàn)樗退哪赣H回到了布朗克斯。
You see, this is co-parenting, and in an ideal world, my mother would have had a co-parent, too. She would have had support, someone to show up and give her a break, a time off.?
這就是共同撫養(yǎng)。在一個(gè)理想的世界里，我的母親本可以也有一個(gè)共同撫養(yǎng)的伙伴，她本可以得到支持，也有人本可以出現(xiàn)，讓她有休息的時(shí)間。在一個(gè)理想的世界里，任何一個(gè)父親或母親都是共同撫養(yǎng)者。
In an ideal world, every parent is a co-parent. In an ideal world, both parents share the weight of the work appropriately. Lilah's mother and I have a schedule. Some days, I leave work and pick Lilah up from school, some days I don't. Lilah's mother gets to go rock climbing or study for the LSAT, and I get to stand in a room full of bold, dynamic and powerful women and talk about dad stuff.
在一個(gè)理想的世界里，父母雙方都能適當(dāng)?shù)胤謸?dān)撫養(yǎng)的重?fù)?dān)。我和萊拉的母親有一個(gè)日程計(jì)劃，有時(shí)我會(huì)下班去接萊拉放學(xué)，有時(shí)我不會(huì)。這樣萊拉的母親可以去攀巖，或者準(zhǔn)備法學(xué)院入學(xué)考試，而我也能在一個(gè)充滿(mǎn)了勇氣、活力和強(qiáng)大的女性的房子里，討論父親那些事。
It is work, it is beautifully hard work dismantling the systems that would have us believe a woman's primary role is in the kitchen, tending to all things domestic, while the hapless dad fumbles all over himself whenever he has to spend a weekend alone with the kids. It is work that needs to happen right now.
共同撫養(yǎng)是一種工作，是艱辛而美好的工作。它逐漸廢除了一種家庭系統(tǒng)，這種系統(tǒng)讓我們認(rèn)為女人的主要角色就是呆在廚房里負(fù)擔(dān)所有家務(wù)，而可憐的父親每當(dāng)不得不單獨(dú)和孩子們共度周末時(shí)，只會(huì)手忙腳亂。共同撫養(yǎng)是需要立刻執(zhí)行的工作。
You see, far too often, what it seems like is when both parents are working, one parent is typically tasked with organizing the household and keeping the home running. That person is typically a woman or someone who identifies as such. Far too often, those who identify as mothers and as women have to sacrifice their dreams in order to appease the standard.?
這種情況太普遍了，當(dāng)雙方都在工作時(shí)，一方通常要安排好家庭事務(wù)，讓這個(gè)家正常運(yùn)轉(zhuǎn)。而這個(gè)人通常是女人或者扮演此角色的人。那些作為母親或女人的一方往往不得不犧牲她們的夢(mèng)想以達(dá)到這種標(biāo)準(zhǔn)。
They have to sacrifice their dreams in order to ensure that motherhood takes precedence over all else. And I'm not here to say that it doesn't, but what I am here to say is, as equal partners and co-parents, it is our duty to ensure that our co-parenting partners don't have to put their passions, their pursuits and their dreams to the back burner just because we're too self-absorbed to show up as allies.
她們不得不犧牲自己的夢(mèng)想，以保證母親的身份優(yōu)于其他所有事請(qǐng)。我并不否認(rèn)這點(diǎn)，但我想說(shuō)的是作為平等的搭檔和共同撫養(yǎng)者，我們的責(zé)任是保證我們的共同撫養(yǎng)搭檔不必把他們熱衷的愛(ài)好、追求和理想放在次要地位，就因?yàn)槲覀冏运降夭辉腹餐袚?dān)。
Co-parenting makes the space possible for everybody. As a co-parent, the time I've gotten to share and spend with Lilah is time I appreciate, the time that has allowed me to be fully present for my child, removing the notion that the emotional labor required to raise a child is a woman's work. As a co-parent, Lilah and I have built snowmen, we've played with acorns, we've rapped to the soundtrack of "Moana," I know you have, too.
共同撫養(yǎng)讓每個(gè)人有自己的空間變成了可能。作為承擔(dān)共同撫養(yǎng)義務(wù)的人，我很感激能擁有與萊拉共同度過(guò)的時(shí)光，擁有能讓我充分陪伴孩子的時(shí)光，它淘汰了養(yǎng)育孩子所需要的情緒勞動(dòng)是女人的工作這一觀念。作為共同撫養(yǎng)孩子的人，我和萊拉一起堆了雪人，一起玩了橡果，還跟著《海洋奇緣》的原聲練說(shuō)唱，我知道你們也干過(guò)這事。
She's sat with me while I've led workshops at Columbia University, when I talk about the intersections of poetry, hip-hop and theater. We get to talk about her emotions and her feelings because we have exclusive time together, and that time is planned time, it's organized around not just my schedule but her mother's. Both of us, as co-parents, have unique parenting styles. And we may argue at times, but what we can always agree on is how to raise a human --our human.
當(dāng)我在哥倫比亞大學(xué)主持討論會(huì)，談?wù)撛?shī)歌、說(shuō)唱和戲劇的交集時(shí)，她就坐在我身旁。我們會(huì)討論她的情緒與情感，因?yàn)槲覀冇袉为?dú)在一起的專(zhuān)屬時(shí)光，這些時(shí)間都是計(jì)劃好的。不僅是根據(jù)我的行程，還是根據(jù)他母親的行程安排的。作為共同撫養(yǎng)者，我們兩人都有獨(dú)特的養(yǎng)育方式。有時(shí)我們會(huì)發(fā)生爭(zhēng)執(zhí)，但我們總能在一件事上意見(jiàn)一致：如何養(yǎng)育一個(gè)人——我們的孩子。
I will never fully understand or comprehend what it means to hold a child in my body for 10 months. I will never be able to understand the trials and tribulations of breastfeeding, the work that it takes, the emotional, physical, psychological and emotional toll that carrying a human can have on the female body.?
我永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)完全理解或明白，在身體里連續(xù)十個(gè)月懷著一個(gè)孩子意味著什么。我永遠(yuǎn)不能理解母乳喂養(yǎng)的艱辛和困難，背后的付出，我也永遠(yuǎn)不能理解懷孕在情緒、身體和心理上對(duì)女性身體的影響。
What co-parenting does is say, we can create balance, a more balanced home and work life for everyone involved. Co-parenting says that while parenting may involve sacrifices, yes, the weight of that sacrifice is not solely resting on one parent alone. No matter your relational dynamic, no matter how you identify as a human being -- he, she, they, ze -- co-parenting says we can create space and equity, better communication, empathy, I hear you, I see you, how can I show up for you in ways that benefits our family?
共同撫養(yǎng)的目的是讓我們能創(chuàng)造平衡，讓家庭中每個(gè)成員的工作生活保持平衡。共同撫養(yǎng)中，雖然可能會(huì)有犧牲，這是事實(shí)，但犧牲的重?fù)?dān)并不只會(huì)由一方單獨(dú)承擔(dān)。不論你的人際關(guān)系如何變化，不論你怎么定義人——他，她，他們——共同撫養(yǎng)讓我們能創(chuàng)造空間和平等，更好的溝通、共鳴，我能聽(tīng)到你、理解你，我知道怎樣以利于家庭的方式出現(xiàn)。
My goal: I want more fathers to embrace co-parenting as a model for a better tomorrow, a better today for ourselves, for our co-parenting partners, for our families, for our community. I want more fathers talking about fatherhood openly, candidly, honestly, lovingly. Right? I want more people to recognize that black fathers in particular are more than the court system, more than child support and more than what the media might portray us to be.
這是我的目標(biāo)：我想讓更多的父親接受共同撫養(yǎng)的模式，為了更好的明天，為了我們自己更好的今天，為了我們共同撫養(yǎng)的搭檔，為了我們的家庭、社會(huì)。我想要更多的父親開(kāi)放地、坦白地、真誠(chéng)地、親切地討論父性，好嗎?我想讓更多人認(rèn)識(shí)到，黑人父親，他們不僅只與法院和子女撫養(yǎng)費(fèi)有關(guān)，不僅只是媒體口中的我們。
Our role as fathers, our role as parents, our value as parents is not dependent on the zeroes at the ends of our checks but the capacity within our hearts to show up for our families, for the people we love, for our little ones.
我們扮演的父親角色，父母角色，我們作為父母的價(jià)值，并不取決于我們支票上的數(shù)字后有幾個(gè)零，而是取決于我們內(nèi)心中為我們的家庭，為我們愛(ài)的人和我們的孩子們站出來(lái)的能力。
Being a father is not only a responsibility, it's an opportunity. This is for Dwain, this is for Kareem "Buc" Drayton, this is for Biggs, this is for Boola, this is for Tyron, this is for all the black fathers who are showing up on a day-to-day basis. This is for Charles Lorenzo Daniels, my father,who didn't have the language or the tools to show up in the ways that he wanted to.
成為父親不只是一種責(zé)任，還是一次機(jī)會(huì)，這段演講要獻(xiàn)給達(dá)文（Dawin），卡里姆·德雷頓（Kareem“Buc”Drayton）比格斯（Biggs），布拉（Boola)，塔倫（Tyron）。獻(xiàn)給所有每天都在承擔(dān)起責(zé)任的黑人父親。同樣也要獻(xiàn)給查爾斯·勒倫佐·丹尼爾斯（CharlesLerenzoDaniels），我的父親，他沒(méi)有語(yǔ)言和工具來(lái)按照他想要的方式出現(xiàn)。
Thank you.
謝謝。
My name is Joel.
我是喬爾。
Hi Bria, hi West.
嗨，布里亞，嗨，韋斯特。
(In Yoruba) Amen.
（約魯巴語(yǔ)）阿門(mén)。
(Applause)
（掌聲）
