作者C.S.Lewis是一位作家和語言學(xué)家，他對捍衛(wèi)和闡釋基督信仰懷有極大的熱忱，創(chuàng)作了許多經(jīng)典著作。他一生中的大部分時間都是獨身，晚年經(jīng)歷了短短幾年的婚姻。妻子因病去世后，他將自己深切的悲痛、對基督信仰的質(zhì)疑、對上帝的吶喊，以及最終與上帝和解與降伏的心路歷程，用細(xì)膩的筆觸記錄下來。這本書篇幅雖短，卻對失去至親后所經(jīng)歷的悲傷過程做了極為細(xì)膩的描寫，包括對信仰產(chǎn)生的質(zhì)疑、對上帝真實的憤怒和吶喊，以及最后與上帝和解的過程，堪稱經(jīng)典，值得反復(fù)品讀。
這是我第二次讀這本書，第一次是在幾年前疫情期間，當(dāng)時是通過有聲書粗略聆聽。那次給我留下印象最深的是作者在書中對上帝發(fā)出的誠實而憤怒的吶喊。那時，我的信仰還剛剛起步，讀到這些內(nèi)容，既為作者的勇氣喝彩，也為上帝的宏大而感嘆——他無比包容他那些任性的孩子們。
如今再次閱讀，我更加欣賞作者對語言的掌控能力。C.S.Lewis精準(zhǔn)地表達了情感，同時清晰地勾勒出自己從悲痛、憤怒、懷疑到最終和解的心靈旅程。
我想，這本書對我們后人最大的意義在于：第一，它全面而精準(zhǔn)地表達了失去至親的悲痛情感，以及對那些陳詞濫調(diào)式的安慰和教義的“精彩反擊“；第二，它展現(xiàn)了作者從質(zhì)疑上帝的良善屬性到最終完全降伏的過程。這種深刻的共鳴讓經(jīng)歷類似痛苦的讀者感到自己并不孤單，因為作者已經(jīng)用直白、精準(zhǔn)的語言替他們表達了想說的話，釋放了想要喊出的吶喊；更重要的是，作者經(jīng)歷這一過程之后對上帝信仰的加固，也給予我們信心。我想這本書從另一個角度展現(xiàn)了上帝的偉大——他不僅不畏懼我們這些“任性孩子”發(fā)自內(nèi)心的吶喊與質(zhì)疑，反而以無比寬廣的胸懷接納我們，并通過身邊的一切（人、自然、我們的身體等）訴說著他對我們的愛。這些都在書中得到了充分體現(xiàn)。
這次讀這本書，我反復(fù)品味其中許多句子，都愛不釋手。按幾個主題整理摘錄如下，同時也試圖梳理一下作者的心路歷程。
作者對悲傷“經(jīng)歷”的描寫：
本書一開始：
“No one ever told me that grief let so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid”“從來沒有人告訴我，悲傷竟如此像恐懼。我并不害怕，但這種感覺就像是害怕?！?/p>
“The act of living is different all through.
Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything” “生活的每一個層面都變得不同了。她的缺席就像天空，籠罩著一切?！?/p>
“It (my own body) had such a different importance while it was the body of H.’s lover. Now it’s like an empty house” “（我的身體）與還是H.的愛人的時的身體，有著完全不同的重要意義?，F(xiàn)在它就像一座空房子。”
“For then (when I am not thinking of H.) ,though I have forgotten the reason, there is spread over everything a vaguesense of wrongness, of something amiss. Like in those dreams where nothingterrible occurs –nothing that would sound even remarkable if you told it atbreakfast-time – but the atmosphere, the taste, the whole thing is deadly. Sowith this…. What’s wrong with the world to make it so flat, shabby, worn-outlooking?”?“因為那時（當(dāng)我沒有想到H.的時候），雖然我已經(jīng)忘記了原因，但一切都籠罩著一種模糊的錯亂感，一種哪里出了問題的不對勁感。就像那些夢境中，沒有什么可怕的事情發(fā)生——甚至如果你在早餐時講出來，也聽不出有什么特別之處——但整個氛圍、感覺、以及整個夢的本質(zhì)卻是致命的。這種感覺也是如此……到底是世界出了什么問題，讓它顯得如此平淡、破舊、疲憊不堪？”
在書的后半部分，作者寫到自己 “過了這道坎兒” 的時候他用到的”截肢病人“的比喻：
“Getting over it so soon? But the words areambiguous. To say the patient is getting over it after an operation forappendicitis is one thing; after he’s had his leg off is it quite another…. He(the patient whose one leg was cut off) has ‘got over it’. But he will probablyhave recurrent pains in the stump all his life, and perhaps pretty bad ones;and he will always be a one-legged man.?“這么快就‘走出來’了嗎？但這些話本身是含糊的。說一個病人在闌尾炎手術(shù)后‘康復(fù)了’是一回事；而如果他說的是截肢后‘康復(fù)了’，那完全是另一回事……他（那個失去一條腿的病人）確實‘康復(fù)了’，但他可能一輩子都會在斷肢處感到反復(fù)的疼痛，也許還會非常劇烈；而且他永遠(yuǎn)都會是一個只有一條腿的人?！?/p>
在書的最后部分
“I thought I could describe (the grief) a state; make a map of sorrow. Sorrow, however, turns out to be not a state but a process. I it needs not a map but a history…” “我原以為可以把（悲傷）描述成一種狀態(tài)，為悲傷繪制一幅地圖。然而，悲傷并非一種狀態(tài)，而是一個過程。它需要的不是地圖，而是歷史……”
“Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.““悲傷就像一條漫長的山谷，一條曲折蜿蜒的山谷，每一個轉(zhuǎn)彎處都可能展現(xiàn)出一片完全不同的景色?！?/p>
作者對所謂“常識”以及他人安慰他的話的反應(yīng)：
“Poor C. quotes to me, ‘Donot mourn like those that have no hope.’ It astonishes me, the way we areinvited to apply to ourselves words so obviously addressed to our betters. WhatSt. Paul says can comfort only those who love God better the dead, and the deadbetter than themselves” “可憐的C.對我引用了這句話：‘不要像那些沒有盼望的人一樣哀悼。’這讓我感到震驚，我們把那些顯然是對更高尚的人所說的話應(yīng)用在自己身上。圣保羅的話只能安慰那些愛上帝勝過愛死者，并且愛死者勝過愛自己的人。”
潛臺詞，“我沒有那么高尚啊！
一句合宜的話若在不合適的時機說出，也會變得不合宜。許多時候，當(dāng)我們試圖安慰別人時，或許靜靜地聆聽與陪伴遠(yuǎn)勝過千言萬語。
“They tell me H is happynow, they tell me she is at peace. What makes them so sure of this?” “他們告訴我，H.現(xiàn)在很幸福，他們說她得到了平安。但是什么讓他們?nèi)绱舜_信呢？
‘Because she is in God’shands.’ But if so, she was in God ‘s hands all the time, and I have seem whatthey did to her here. Do they suddenly become gentler to us the moment we areout of the body? And if so, why?” ‘因為她在上帝的手中?！扇绻沁@樣，她一直都在上帝的手中，而我已經(jīng)見識過他們在這里對她做了些什么。難道我們一脫離身體，上帝就會對我們變得更加溫柔嗎？如果是這樣，那為什么呢？”
作者對信仰的懷疑，以及承認(rèn)自己信仰的軟弱：
“You never know how muchyou really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter oflife and death to you… Apparently the faith—I thought it faith – which enablesme to pray for the other dead has seemed strong only because I have neverreally cared, not desperately, whether they existed r not. Yet I thought I did”“你永遠(yuǎn)不知道自己到底有多相信某件事，直到它的真?zhèn)纬蔀樯镭P(guān)的問題……顯然，我以為的信心——讓我能夠為其他逝者禱告的信心——之所以顯得堅定，只是因為我從未真正關(guān)心過他們是否真的存在，至少從未絕望地關(guān)心過。然而，我以為我關(guān)心了。
“What grounds has it givenme for doubting all that I believe?...I’ve got nothing that I hadn’t bargainedfor. Of course it is different when the things happens to oneself, not toothers, and in reality, not in imagination. …If my house has collapsed at oneblow, that is because it was a house of cards…. If I had really cared, as I thoughtI did, about the sorrows of the world, I should not have been so overwhelmedwhen my own sorrow came. It has been an imaginary faith playing with innocuouscounters labelled ‘Illness’ “ Pain’,‘Death’,and ‘Loneliness.’ I thought I trusted the rope until it mattered to me whetherit would bear me. Now it matters and I find I didn’t. ‘這讓我有什么理由懷疑我所相信的一切嗎？’……其實我并沒有遇到超出預(yù)期的事情。當(dāng)然，當(dāng)事情發(fā)生在自己身上而不是別人身上，并且是在現(xiàn)實中而不是想象中時，感受是完全不同的……如果我的房子一擊就塌了，那是因為它本就是一座紙牌屋。如果我真的像自己以為的那樣關(guān)心世界的痛苦，那么當(dāng)自己的痛苦來臨時，我本不至于被壓垮。這是一種虛假的信心，用一些無害的籌碼玩弄著，比如‘疾病’、‘痛苦’、‘死亡’和‘孤獨’。我以為自己信任這根繩索，直到這根繩索是否能承受我的重量變得至關(guān)重要時才發(fā)現(xiàn)，我并沒有信任它。
“Indeed it’s likely enough that what I shall call, if it happens, a ‘restoration of faith’ will turn out to be only one more house of cards, And I shan’t know whether it is or not until the next blow comes …But there are two questions here. In which sense may it be a house of cards? Because the things I am believing are only a dream, or because I only dream that I believe them?”事實上，如果真的發(fā)生所謂‘信仰的恢復(fù)’，很可能只是另一座紙牌屋。我也不會知道它到底是不是，直到下一次打擊到來……但這里有兩個問題。它為何可能是紙牌屋？是因為我所相信的事情只是一場夢，還是因為我只是夢見了自己相信它們？”
作者對上帝的存在,對上帝“善”的質(zhì)疑和吶喊：
在本書一開始的部分，作者寫到：
”Meanwhile, where isGod?... But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain,and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting anddouble bolting on the inside. After that, silence. You may as well turn away.The longer you wait, the more empathic the silence will become. There are nolights in the windows. It might be an empty house. Was it ever inhabited?”那么，上帝在哪里呢？……可當(dāng)你在極度需要中走向祂，當(dāng)一切其他幫助都顯得無濟于事時，你會發(fā)現(xiàn)什么？一扇門在你面前重重地關(guān)上，隨后聽到里面上鎖和反鎖的聲音。接著，便是沉默。你只能轉(zhuǎn)身離開。你等得越久，那沉默就越加無情。窗戶里沒有任何光亮，那里像是一座空屋。它曾經(jīng)有人居住過嗎？”
“Not that I am (I think)in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming tobelieve such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not ‘Sothere’s no God after all, but ‘So this is what God’s really like” “并不是說我（我想）有很大的危險會停止相信上帝。真正的危險是我會開始相信一些關(guān)于祂的可怕觀念。我所恐懼的結(jié)論并不是‘原來根本沒有上帝’，而是‘原來這才是上帝的真面目’?！?/p>
“I am more afraid that we are reallyrats in a trap. Or, worse still, rats in a laboratory. Someone said, I believe,‘God always geometrizes.' Supposing the truth were 'God always vivisects'? Whatreason have we, except our own desperate wishes, to believe that God is, by anystandard we can conceive, ‘good’? Doesn’t all the prima facie evidence suggestexactly the opposite?” “我更害怕的是，我們其實只是陷阱中的老鼠，或者更糟的是，實驗室里的老鼠。有人曾說過（我記得）‘上帝總是用幾何來創(chuàng)造?！偃缯嫦嗍恰系劭偸怯没铙w解剖’呢？除了我們內(nèi)心絕望的愿望，還有什么理由讓我們相信上帝按照任何我們能理解的標(biāo)準(zhǔn)是‘良善’的？難道所有表面的證據(jù)不正好相反嗎？”
在作者寫完上面之后的第二天 他寫道：
“I wrote that last night It was a yellrather than a thought. ” “我昨晚寫下了這些話，那是一聲聲吶喊，而非想法?！?/p>
作者并非無病呻吟，他對自己這種悲傷與憤怒狀態(tài)的誠實表述和剖析
“…I was happy before I ever met H. …Peopleget over these things. Come, I shan’t do so badly. One is ashamed to listen tothis voice but it seems for a little to be making out a good case. Then comes asudden jab or red-hot memory and all this ‘commonsense’ vanishes like an ant inthe mouth of a furnace. On the rebound one passes into tears and pathos.Maudlin tears. I almost prefer the moments of agony. These are at least cleanand honest. But the bath of self-pity, the wallow, the loathsome sticky-sweet pleasureof indulging it – that disgusts me. “……在遇見H.之前，我本來是幸福的……人們總能從這些事情中走出來。來吧，我不會那么糟的。這種聲音讓人羞于傾聽，但它似乎在短暫的、片刻中似乎說得有理。然而，隨之而來的，是一陣突然刺痛或熾熱的回憶，讓這些‘常識’瞬間像螞蟻掉進火爐中一樣消失無蹤。隨之反彈的是眼淚與傷感，矯情的眼淚。我?guī)缀醺珢勰切r刻的痛苦。這至少是純粹且真實的。而那種沉浸在自憐中的沐浴，那種可憎的、黏膩甜膩的放縱快感，卻讓我感到厭惡。
“Are these (the writing ofthese words)jottings morbid? I once read the sentence ‘I lay awake all nightwith toothache, thinking about toothache and about lying awake’ That’s true tolife Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery’s shadow or reflection:the fact that you don’t merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about thefact you suffer”. ‘這些記錄（寫下的這些話）是病態(tài)的嗎？我曾讀過這樣一句話：‘我整夜因牙痛無法入睡，想著牙痛，想著失眠?！@是真實的。每一種痛苦都有它的影子或映射：不僅僅是痛苦本身，還有你必須不斷思考自己正在受苦這一事實的痛苦。”
“For the first time I havelooked back and read these notes. They appall me” “我第一次回頭讀這些筆記，真讓我感到震驚。”
未完待續(xù)...
推薦指數(shù)5/5
