對未來感情有些許迷茫，只想從奧地利作家斯蒂芬·茨威格1922發(fā)表的《一個陌生女人的來信》這一本近期剛讀、印象較深的短篇小說的故事里自己體味一下。后續(xù)多圖來襲，取自同名影片，涉及劇透，謹慎食用。

度假回家的作家R在41歲生日的這天收到了這封字跡潦草、長達幾十頁、沒有寄信人署名和地址、憑借字跡勉強認出是女人的手稿。信的開篇就交代了：她的兒子因發(fā)了三天燒昨天死了，而她這一生除了已死的獨子就只有你，這個不認識她但她卻愛了一輩子的你，而且在你收到這封信的時候，她也已經(jīng)隨著兒子一同死了，這勾起了作家R繼續(xù)讀下去的興趣，盡管他顯然對這個人沒有絲毫印象。徐靜蕾2005年導演的同名電影中，片頭的《琵琶語》的配樂做了很好的中國本土化的改編，徐徐拉開這一故事的序幕。

原文：Only you,who have never known me,and whom I have never ceased to love.

住同層公寓（電影中改編為四合院）的前對門鄰居是這樣的：男主人酗酒、家暴、打老婆，他們家的孩子因為我不跟他們玩而經(jīng)常在大街上罵我，并朝我丟雪球報復，后來他們家因為那個男的偷東西而被抓了，不得不搬走了。沒過幾天就聽門房說，這間房被一個出過好幾本書的25歲單身作家租去了，這是13歲的我第一次聽到你的名字。

原文：That was the first time I heard your name.

作家R搬家的過程中，精致的家具顯示著財力，一大堆軟皮封面的法文、英文還有不認識文字的書展現(xiàn)著學識，在我還沒見到你的時候心中就產(chǎn)生了一種崇敬之情。影片中作家的出現(xiàn)確實嚇了小錫一跳：1963年出生的姜文拍此電影時年42歲，此時演30歲，身著黑色皮衣，戴不知名眼鏡和帽子，意氣風發(fā)的騎著摩托車，第一次出現(xiàn)在女主和觀眾的眼前，據(jù)說這是“入鄉(xiāng)隨俗”后1930年的北平最時髦的穿著打扮，卻莫名帶了一點喜劇色彩。

原文：Your handsome,slim,and spruce figure was a positive shock to me.

原文：I read book upon book,far into the night,for I knew thar you were a book-lover.

在我15歲這年，媽媽再嫁了，要搬到別的地方了。盡管我氣的暈了過去，最終也無力抵抗，而我又無法泄露我不愿離開你的秘密。

原文：My life seemed falling to pieces;and at last one day,when I returned to dinner,the furniture removers had cleared the flat.

在臨行的前一晚，我的內(nèi)心受到了強烈的折磨，我忍不住想要最后見你一面，緊緊的抱你一次。在1月的寒風中，等到凌晨3點，我終于聽到了你的腳步聲以及另一個女人的淺笑嗔罵...

原文：You were not alone.I heard a gentle laugh,the rustle of silk,and your voice,speaking in low tones.There is nothing more terrible than to be alone among human beings.(置身繁華鬧市中任人群熙熙攘攘，卻忍受徹骨孤寂我自獨行)

18歲時，我終于又回到了你的城市，但是我們的距離仍然遠隔千山萬水。

原文：The fact that in reality I was as far from your mind as if I had been separated by mountains and valleys and rivers.

我在腦海中設(shè)想過很多次與你重逢的場景，但是從來沒有想過，你在意識里從沒意識到我的存在。可能因為女人的臉或者服飾總是變化多端，可是我仍無法接受你的健忘。

原文：I understand now(you have taught me!)that a girl’s or a woman’s face must be for a man something extraordiniarily mutable.A man can readily forget a woman’s face,because she modifies its lights and shades,and because at different times the dress gives it so different times the dress gives it so different a setting.

兩天后我們又“偶遇”了，盡管你并沒認出我，卻以老朋友一樣的口吻邀請我一起吃晚飯。晚飯后，你問我是否方便去你家坐坐，“方便，我都方便?！蔽也患偎妓鞯拇鸬馈?/p>

原文：She must be brought to consent by urgent pleading,by lies,adjurations,and promises.I know that only professional prostitutes are accustomed to answer such an invitation with a perfectly frank assent——prostitutes,or simple-minded,immature girls.

在你之前我還沒有過任何經(jīng)驗，我并沒有抗拒的投入你的懷抱，走入我的命運之中。

原文：You care only for what comes and goes easily,for that which is light of touch,is imponderable.You dread being involved in anyone else’s destiny.You like to give yourself freely to all the world——but not to make any sacrifices.When you were sleeping beside me,when I listened to your breathing,touched your body,and felt myself so near to you.

第二天一早我就離開了。

原文：Would you not like to take a few flowers with you?

原文：Again it was full of wonder and delight.You gave me a third night.

三天后，你出差了，并承諾一回來就會通知我。我至此都沒有告訴你我的真實姓名，臨別時你又給了我?guī)锥涿倒濉５?，我等?個月，你早就回來了，卻并沒有來找我。（男人都是大豬蹄子）

原文：Once more you gave me roses at parting.

而你不知道的是，我已經(jīng)懷孕了，懷了你的孩子。為了不引起你的猜疑和怨恨，我寧愿獨自承受這一切。由于我的這種情況，并不敢向繼父和母親求助，于是在等待孩子出生的最后幾個月，我都是在變賣自己的東西生活，你的孩子就出生在一個破敗凄涼的收容所里，這里到處死氣沉沉、擁擠不堪、散發(fā)著氯仿和鮮血的味道、充滿了叫喊和呻吟。（這里描述了一個女人細膩的內(nèi)心世界的真實感受，你能感受到卑微低下、心甘情愿和義無反顧的決心，可是現(xiàn)實又是非常殘酷的，貧窮就是原罪，而這一切不平等、不負責任的愛情就是原罪的開端。）

原文：I make no complaint.I love you just as you are,ardent and forgetful,generous and unfaithful.I love you just as you have always been.I would rather take the whole burden on myself than be a burden to you;I wanted to be the one among all the women you had intimately known of whom you would never think except with love and thankfulness. We were all alien to one another,as we lay there in our loneliness,filled with mutual hatred,thrust together only by our kinship of poverty and distress into this crowded ward, reeking of chloroform and blood,filled with cries and moaning.(你似乎能看到、聞到、聽到她在最虛弱的時候經(jīng)受的孤獨和痛苦，這些痛苦一度在陪伴和照顧孩子長大的每一個過程里的歡樂所溶解，可是今天她的孩子死了，這一切可怕的經(jīng)歷又一齊涌上心頭。)

像很多的母親一樣，在有了屬于我的孩子之后，我對你的思念變得不那么折磨了，因為這個孩子需要我，而你卻是最討厭被束縛的。為了給我們的兒子提供優(yōu)越的生活環(huán)境，我委身于一個個有錢人做他們的情人，因為在收容所生下他的時候，我就暗自發(fā)誓不允許我的孩子受人踐踏。

原文：I did not wish to divide myself between you and him,So I did not give mysqlf to you,who were happy and independent of me,but to the boy who needed me,whom I had to nourish,whom I cloud kiss and fondle.In the lying-in hospital I had tasted the full horror of poverty.I know that,in the world of the poor,those who are down-trodden are always the victims.

在接下來的11年里，我只是在你過生日的時候送你一束白玫瑰，正如你第一次送我給我的那些一樣。

原文：One thing only——on your birthday I have always sent you a bunch of white roses,like the roses you gave me after our first night of love.For me it was enough to send them to you out of the darkness,once a year,to revive my own memory of that hour.

后來，我經(jīng)常出現(xiàn)在你常去的地方，只為能再次與你相見。

我拒絕了其他男人想要給我安穩(wěn)生活的求婚請求，只為了能夠以自由之身回應你的召喚。

原文：Some day,perhaps,you would call me to your side,were it only for an hour.For the possibility of this one hour I rejected everything else,simply that I might be free to answer your call.

沒想到機會來的非常突然，你又一次邀請我跟著你，可是你卻依然視我為陌生人?？墒菍τ谖襾碚f，我不可能放棄盼望了多年的和你在一起的這一小時。

原文：Your look became continually more ardent,and touched my own senses to fire.I cloud not be sure whether you had at last recognised me,or whether your desires had been aroused by one whom you believed to be a stranger.

“方便，我都方便?！蔽以僖淮尾患偎妓鞯拇鸬馈Ｄ闵晕⒂行@訝地看著我，驚訝中帶著疑慮、好奇的神情，一如從前我一口答應你邀請時的神情。

原文：I could no longer answer when spoken to,could no longer control the trmult of my blood.It was plain that you did not recognised me,neither the child,nor the girl of old days.Again,to you,I was a new acquaintance.”Yes,”I answered,the same tremulous but perfectly acquiescent “Yes” that you had heard from me in my girlhood,more than ten years earlier,in the darkling street.

一夜過后，你又要走了。

原文：“The man I love has always gone on a journey.”

你目光專注的望著我，這目光似乎能穿透人心，我不禁幻想你是不是要認出我了！站在鏡子前，我竟看到了你悄悄把幾張鈔票塞進我的暖手筒，我簡直又羞又怕，幾近瘋狂。我跟你共度了一夜過后，卻付錢給我，給身為你兒子的母親。

原文：You put your hands on my shoulders:”Good things are not forgotten,and I shall not forget you.”Your eyes studied me attentively,as if you wished to form an enduring image of me in your mind.You were paying me for the night I had spent with you,me who had loved you since childhood,me the mother of your son.

我臨走的時候看到了書桌上的白玫瑰，我心里涌起最后一次喚起你的記憶的沖動。也許它們是一個被你遺忘的女人送給你的。

原文：”Will you give me one of your white roses?”——”O(jiān)f course,They were a present,but I don’t know who sent them;that’s why I’m so fond of them.”

她的愛如同《白玫瑰》歌詞所唱，“得不到的從來矜貴，身處劣勢如何不攻心計”，最后的結(jié)局也有一種《茶花女》的凄婉動人。她寧愿做一個傻姑娘，也不愿給作家?guī)硪唤z一毫的煩惱。

她的愛是不計回報的付出，像《麥琪的禮物》一樣，只為讓所愛的人開心，情愿付出自己的所有，只是結(jié)局并沒有雙向奔赴，所以讓人覺得非常惋惜和不值得。最后再引用《無問西東》里的一句話：“如果提前了解了你所要面對的人生，你是否還有勇氣前來？”